Chrissy

Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2025

17d

INFJ

Taurus

3

4

Why I believe some people just want the benefits of a relationship and are not ready for one.

I'm in a relationship and the first thing I tell people is it can be great with the right person but it takes work and labour and investment that some people aren't used to... and need to learn to GET used to it if they want a happy and secure relationship. What is that work? It's called Emotional Labour aka The Invisible Work. This is the mental and emotional energy required to maintain the relationship and household. Examples: - Relationship maintenance: Remembering important dates, planning date nights, checking in on the relationship's health, initiating "we need to talk" conversations when something's off - Social coordination: Managing the social calendar, remembering to send birthday cards to his family, organising gatherings, maintaining friendships as a couple - Mental load of household management: Not just doing chores, but remembering what needs doing, when, and how. Noticing the toilet paper is low, tracking when bills are due, knowing what groceries are needed, scheduling home repairs. - Emotional regulation for the household: Managing the emotional temperature—soothing conflicts, anticipating others' needs, being the "feelings translator" - Conflict navigation: Being the one who brings up problems, pushes for resolution, does the emotional processing work during disagreements - Anticipating needs: Remembering your partner mentioned they're stressed about work and checking in, noticing when they seem off and creating space to talk The exhausting part is that emotional labor is often invisible until it's NOT done. Then suddenly everything falls apart and the person doing it gets blamed for being "naggy" when they ask for help. Common long-term relationship challenges: The roommate phase: After initial passion fades, couples can slip into functional cohabitation without maintaining emotional and physical intimacy. You're coordinating logistics but forgetting to actually connect. Unequal domestic load: Even in couples where both work full-time, women typically do more housework and childcare. This breeds resentment fast. It's not just about fairness. It's about feeling like you're parenting your partner instead of being their equal. Communication breakdown: Early on, people over-communicate. Long-term, they assume their partner should "just know" what they need. Or conflict avoidance builds until small resentments become big ones. Diverging growth: People change over years. Sometimes partners grow together, sometimes apart. Values shift, interests change, life goals evolve. Staying aligned requires active effort and honest conversations. Sexual compatibility maintenance: Libidos change, bodies change, stress affects desire. Keeping a satisfying sex life requires ongoing communication and willingness to adapt. Many couples just stop talking about it and grow distant. The "project" dynamic: One partner sees the other as a fixer-upper rather than accepting who they are. Or someone commits expecting their partner to change (become more ambitious, less messy, more social) and then resents them for being themselves. Weaponised incompetence: One partner plays dumb about household tasks so the other gives up and does it themselves. "I don't know how to do laundry right" becomes a way to avoid responsibility. Emotional availability mismatch: One partner wants to process feelings and talk things through; the other shuts down or dismisses emotions as "drama." This creates a pursue-withdraw cycle that's toxic over time. Loss of individual identity: Some people merge completely into "we" and lose their individual interests, friendships, goals. Then they either resent their partner for it or become codependent. Financial conflict: Different attitudes about money (spender vs. saver, risk tolerance, financial goals) cause huge friction if not addressed explicitly. The mental load imbalance: One partner becomes the household "manager" who has to delegate tasks to the other partner like an employee. The manager gets exhausted; the "helper" doesn't understand why their partner is frustrated since they "help when asked." Default parent dynamic (if kids involved): One parent becomes the "default" for all kid-related decisions and care, while the other "helps" or "babysits" their own children. Breeds massive resentment. Stonewalling during conflict: One partner withdraws, goes silent, or refuses to engage when there's disagreement. This is emotionally abandoning and makes resolution impossible. Scorekeeping: Keeping mental tallies of who did what, who sacrificed more, who's "winning" the relationship. Turns partnership into competition. The expectation gap: What you expect from a partner vs. what they're willing/able to give. If you expect emotional support and deep conversations but they view relationships as companionship and logistics, you'll both be disappointed. Hetero-specific dynamics: Many straight relationships still default to traditional patterns even when both partners work: - Women do more emotional labor even when men "help" with tasks - Women's careers are seen as secondary when logistics conflict (who takes time off for sick kids, who relocates for whose job) - Women are expected to maintain their appearance more than men - Men's leisure time is protected; women's is negotiable - Emotional needs get gendered: his need for space is respected, her need for connection is "needy" What actually sustains long-term relationships: - Active maintenance: Treating the relationship like something that requires ongoing investment, not something you "achieved" and can coast on - Genuine curiosity: Continuing to ask questions and learn about your evolving partner - Fair fighting: Having conflicts constructively without contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. - Shared responsibility: Both partners feeling equally responsible for the relationship's success and the household's functioning - Separate identities: Maintaining individual friendships, hobbies, and goals alongside the partnership - Explicit negotiation: Talking about division of labour, expectations, needs rather than assuming - Willingness to be influenced: Both partners able to change their mind, compromise, and prioritise the relationship over being "right" (edited)