Thoughts from a Chronic Sedentarian

Weight loss is obviously one of the most-discussed and widely-sought topics, especially surrounding the dating world. I wanted to take some time to put my thoughts down in writing both for myself and anyone else that might want to comment on what my headspace has looked like recently. Note: warning for those that might be suffering from eating disoroders or be susceptible to exercise binging behavior. What I'm about to talk about involves battling my own *opposite* issues - overcoming my inborne tendency to forgive myself, reward myself with leniency, and retain a gluttonous and self-indulgent lifestyle. If you don't struggle with these (and I don't mean on occasion; I mean by nature) you might want to skip this one. This isn't for you, and your growth vector is most probably towards self-acceptance, self-care, and mindfulness. I, like many others, tend to use past successes as not only a metric but also as pattern-matching for 'things that have worked to help me lose weight in the past'. As the years go on, obviously metabolic shifts and changes in capability and available time have made things more difficult, but I always come back to a few patterns that have seemed to work for me: 10-20 minutes of medium-to-high intensity cardio, followed by some form of anaerobic exercise in the form of strength training (high weight, low rep max). This combination, that I recall, has helped me curb my appetite and given me the metabolic base to change my body shape. However, these days, the highest hurdle for me is achieving some form of motivation. I know that motivation is the thing that everyone states as something you *cannot* count on to feed you to sustain a lifestyle change. Instead, dogged persistence and 'pushing through' - no matter what the effort level is, as long as you're not sick or still-healing - is the only way to go. There's a virtuous loop here: the more you push, if you're male especially - the more you say 'I'm going to do this anyway, even though it's hard, even though I don't want to' - the more testosterone you build up and the easier it is to take on more challenges. I used to take cold showers every morning in frigid temperatures, sometimes as low as 36-38 degrees. Absolute torture, but it seemed to help my mental health when I was doing it regularly. I may start again. The biggest issue for me these days is getting over that motivational hump in the beginning, especially when it feels like every spare moment of every day these days, at least for me, is a moment I could be working on one of my various projects or consuming the next podcast or doing something else in parallel. Some recent sources that have brought me back to this: self-punishing commentary in the form of music (Bedrot by the band Crippling Alcoholism, listened on repeat). Starting to collect pictures of bikini models to showcase the disparity in attractiveness of my own form compared to what I would feel they might deserve. Asking myself if a female version of myself would want to date me or even find myself attractive in my current state. In any other person, these would be extremely unhealthy trains of thought. For me, they are the only sources of motivation I can find. Pro-health and pro-positive influences cannot help me. I rail against them. I need the edge, the self-shame, just like a procrastinator needs the panic. I need to *crave* changing the shape of my body. And I need to hate the way that I am. That's the only means by which I can get myself over the edge and into a position to make myself improve. Has anyone else experienced this? Where they almost feel as if 'healthy' behavior is below them, or unnecessary, or not feeling as if pro-positive arguments and ideas are a useful source of motivation? I don't have the fear of poor health built into me. I have a healthy fear of death and desire to live to a ripe old age (and longer, technology and medical science improvements and funds granting). That leaves only self-shame and a form of self-punishing behavior as the only tool by which to leverage me into a begrudging healthier lifestyle.