Michael

Posted Tuesday, February 15, 2022

2y

INFJ

Scorpio

9

1

The Man-Child

For most of my life I had searched consistently for a specific type of attention from people: parental. It’s that unconditional-love-of-the-mother and supportive-pride-of-the-father kind of love. I sought these things in all interpersonal relationships in all contexts. I realized that I was seeking parental love because I had come to allow the scared little boy inside me to be the leader of my life. I acted out the emotions I couldn’t speak just as one would expect of a child. I’d withhold love and approval from my wife and children if they didn’t live up to my exacting standards - no different behavior than that of a child with hurt feelings wanting to ‘take their ball and go home’ as a punitive measure towards their offenders. I had demanded my family model the pinnacle of proper behavior, ethics, and integrity. Meanwhile, I’d act like a spoiled teenager by doing things like lying to my wife that I was still working while I was at my friend’s, playing a video game to which she wouldn’t ‘allow me’ to subscribe. I’d pout about not getting sex. Let that sink in for a moment… Yes, that’s right. I, having behaved like a whiny little man-child, was absolutely beside myself that my wife wouldn’t throw herself at me in the bedroom. I wanted her to love me like a child but f**k me like a man. WTF?! Of course, this wasn’t the status quo. One can’t threaten to withhold love of any value if they aren’t often displaying said affections to be withheld. The resulting roller coaster, however, was brutal on the children and was instrumental in the dissolution of the marriage. I learned this behavior in the culture of my youth, from birth through adolescence (details are irrelevant to the moral of this anecdote). That is not my fault. I cannot help nor change how I was treated when I was unable to care for myself. It is however, MY responsibility to hold MYSELF accountable today for being the powerful man of which I am capable instead of the scared little boy, still looking to be secure in the arms of a protector, to be loved despite bad behavior, to be honored when he demanded it, and to be told often that he was a good boy. In exchange for the 16 years of her precious fertile youth that she gifted to me through her selection of me above all suitors, I delivered a child masquerading as an adult male. In the ~7 years that followed our divorce, I’d made some poor decisions on the same quest for parental love that seemed only to both compound my misery and further delay my inevitable enlightenment. Hey, they don’t call it ‘rock bottom’ for nothing. After years of inner work as a single man, I’d finally seen myself as I was instead of how I wanted to be seen. I saw the ugliness in my behavior and attitude. I cringed at my level of enslavement to ego. I had only ever wanted to see my virtues, too fearful to even acknowledge that I was capable of having faults. A coward is what I was. Today, I am realizing the powerful masculine energy and love inside me and the scared little boy is feeling like he’s being taken care of. Because he is. By me - the one who should have been doing it all along but had chosen instead to outsource that work to others. By giving myself unconditional love and forgiveness, I no longer seek it from a woman. I am ready to EARN her RESPECT and ADMIRATION. By taking pride in authentically representing my true essence, I act with INTEGRITY and PURPOSE. I am now ready to demonstrate LEADERSHIP. By taking action to care for my body, I strengthen my resolve, self-esteem, and health. I commit to caring for this body so that I may gift LONGEVITY to those who love and DEPEND on me. By practicing mindfulness, I am able to realize true EMPATHY and engage in active listening. I am now able to LISTEN. By nurturing my spirituality, I am keeping my over-inflated significance in check. I am learning ACCEPTANCE and the futility of attempting to control anything but my actions and breathing. By taking RESPONSIBILITY for processing my emotions, I do not need to act out immaturely. I can TALK about my painful feelings and SHOW my affectionate ones. All of this began by my asking myself several years ago: why is it I keep attracting people who make me feel this way? Answer: They gave me exactly what I had asked for. Change needed to occur in ME - not anyone else. I was attracting exactly what I was signaling I wanted to receive from others.