Catherine

Posted Sunday, November 10, 2024

24d

ESFJ

Cancer

8

7

Finding Peace at 46

This is going to be a long read but I'm looking for others that might relate or those that might have some wholesome advice. I'm a year and a half out of my 17yr marriage, which is wild to me. Where has the time gone? I was 29 and he was 34 when we met and started dating. I was head over heels to find a man that put me first no matter what with the exception of his three teens from his previous marriage that I absolutely adore. I wasn't in love with looks but his mind, energy and personality. He was like nothing I had ever met before. He proposed to me quite quickly and I was so excited to take that leap. Our marriage was really good for the first 5-7yrs. We went on adventure or we'd stay in and Netflix all weekend. We're both creative, so we both get shoulder deep into projects together and feed off of each other's aspirations. We went as far as starting our own business handcrafted jewelry and signing on 42 consignee's and opened up our own store. My mom's diabetes took a horrible turn with an ulcer she chose not to mention to any one and my father had a rare muscular disease and was in a wheelchair since I was a kid. When my mom became ill she could no longer walk. She had many complications due to that foot ulcer, my husband and I closed the store, packed up and moved into my parents home so I could take care of my parents. We also were trying to have children of our own, I had always wanted to have children, to birth my own but by this time I was 32 and was unknowingly unable. We tried everything, IUI, IVF, CoParenting, sperms banks, you name it. After 5years of trying I was done and wanted to be a mom for children that needed one. But my husband wanted so badly for me to experience what I had always wanted that he suggested picking up a random man at a bar and try that way. I thought he was kidding but he wasn't. I told him that I could never do that! That was just desperation talking. His three teens were grown and moved out by this time and we discussed adoption. I didn't want to adopt a baby. Emotionally it was too hard and knowing how many families are struggling and children that need a safe home no matter what the duration, 2wks or 2yrs, I'd love to be a safe place for them. And if in time we foster a child or children that have abandoned parents, I would at that time consider adoption. So we became foster parents. As we all know parenting naturally has it's challenges but foster parenting has an add layer to that. We had fostered many children in the hopes of reuniting them with their families and most did happily. It always sad to see them go and at the same time rejoicing to see them back home. 8yrs ago two boys, siblings 11y & 13y, were placed in our home and we tried for 2-3 yrs to reunite them to their father. Their mom had abandoned them when they were toddlers and dad had struggled with them since. Living on the streets and using hard drugs. Getting dad clean and settled with a job and apartment was impossible. The state could only do so much after so long and decided that the boys needed stable parents and a safe home. We adopted our boys, now 19y & 21y. After a few years, my husband and I decided to get out of renting and purchased a home. But this was no ordinary home. Leave it to us to go big or go home... We purchased a 1902, Queen Anne Victorian history house, 6 bedroom, 3 bath, wrap around porch...but it had been condemned for five years. We thought what an amazing project this would be. We both took layoffs from out 9 to 5 construction jobs and spent the next two years living in a rental trailer 10 miles down the road and working on this Victorian home but keeping it historical. All the electrical had to be pulled and replaced. All the plumbing. New roof, wallpaper, ceilings, 3 layers of old peeling linoleum, exterior walls to the kitchen were rotten and replaced. All on a construction load. Everything we dug into to fix was more issues found and more problems to fix and then covid hit. It was the ultimate money pit! It was a dream that became a nightmare. We finished the job though, we don't like to lose and we don't like to give up. We finished the house and we're ready to finance and move in. But mind you, by this time my husband had started to drink, and the drinking became more and more, daily even. And when it came time to finance, the bank required 2ys of W-2's which we didn't have because we had just spent 2yr working on this house. Once we realized we had to either sell or let the house go back to the bank my husband took a terrible change. Him and I were packing up our tools and finishing a few cosmetic tasks when he ended up having a nervous break down. I didn't see it coming, I was so focused on being positive and just doing what we had to, to make things right. The boys were were at our rental trailer 10 miles down the road from the house, and I was so thankful for that. My husband's mental breakdown ended up happening at the Victorian House with him holding a hand gun and threatening to use it how ever he pleased. I didn't know what to do but to get that gun away from him. We struggling over the gun for an eternity it seemed. He laughed at me the entire time throwing me up againstthe walls and draggingme acrossthe floor. He said some terrible, terrible things but I held on, I fought back and I got that gun. I ran up stairs to one of the empty bedrooms, locked myself inside and called the police. He was taken to a mental hospital for 11 days and was released. I didn't have the heart to tell the boys what happened. I didn't even fully understand what happened myself and didn't want to worry the boys either. My husband came home and things were strange. I threw away all his alcohol and weed pens and took all the guns from the safe and had a very close friend hold on to them. I really felt lost though. I felt like my entire world had just crumbled. My safety net, my companion, my trust. It was hard having him touch me, it was hard hearing his voice and his laugh. There were times he'd walk into the room and I thought he was holding a gun... but he wasn't, the guns were gone. I tried to power through it for two years. Our oldest boy graduated and moved into friends starting his new young life and our youngest was in his junior year. I still found it extremely difficult to be intimate with my husband, and was finding myself reaching outside the marriage for male physical comfort. I hadn't actually moved on it but I knew by then I was beyond unhappy and my emotional health was needing a separation from him. He was very angry with me and very hurt but all I felt towards him was numb. That's when I decided I needed to divorce. It sounds selfish to me to say 'his' mental breakdown took a toll on me, but it did. I really had very little sence of what to feel safe about and I just wanted out. I wanted to take care of myself in every way, so I would know... I'm safe! Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially... In every way. A few months after the divorce I guess I did what now seems typical in these situations. I got on Tinder...I had quite a few dates. I was scared and lost and my doctor put me on an antidepressant. I continued to date random men/women in private. I would tell my son I was working away from home which I was but at the sametime I was secretly going on dates. It all became to much and I realized it was a desperate unhealthy situation I was getting into. I deleted all accounts and dating apps. I blocked all the numbers and came back home. This last 7m to a year I've been truly focusing on emotionally healing. I loved my marriage and my ex-husband, it was really good at one time. We did have something special and our lives, our stress tore it down to what it is today. I have no sense of wanting that kind of love. Not just wanting it but being able to have that again. That means being vulnerable, and that scars me. When I'd go on dates, they'd tell me how they would take care of me and I'd run. I'd spend sometime with someone and they'd ask me to move in, I run. I don't want to be someone's project and I have a strong feeling of just taking care of myself. I felt a lot of regret and guilt, feeling responsible for all the stress put on my marriage and I'm finding forgiveness and love for myself. I'm also finding forgiveness for my ex-husband from a far. We are on good terms but I could never go back. I work close to home now, I make all my bills; car, phone, internet, utilities, food and gas. My youngest is just about to graduate and start his new young life and I'm excited for him. I am a people person, I love to do things and be adventurous. In my mind I'm looking for a genuine friend to do things with but without the relationship ownership. It's still kind of a confusing place to be. Does this end? I don't know... Well, like I said...and long read. Any advice or related situations? Comments or concerns? I'm really working on finding my peace at 46.