A Scream For Help.

I write a lot of abstract texts, yet I do the things I say I do in the comments, in the posts, I really try to. But if I'm being completely honest, being open hurts a lot. Recently I went on a couple of dates with a woman only to find out she had a boyfriend. Poor guy, really. I don't understand people. I should have been more mature, this behavior is unacceptable. I genuinely think I might be even dramatic at times, moreover, I fall for women so easily, I tried holding back, but ended up falling again. I know there are genuine people. A lot of people keep telling me I'm blind, and I know that. A already accepted that people like me get hurt a lot. I don't consider myself a Don Quixote, but I do try seeing the best in people. I just wish someone could do the same thing for me. I also recently was at the verge of becoming a part of a long distance relationship with a woman. The worst thing was that she was completely my type. I just couldn't do it. I crave intimacy, not physical one per se, but I already tried being with someone who's far away, and came to realize, that it only works, if one or both sides move somewhere, and if there are concrete plans on how to meet. To be more transparent, both women were too far away. Originally I used Boo as an asylum, a safe space, where I could hide from everything. Then I failed an exam in med school. I'm telling everyone I'm taking a gap year, which is true to an extent, but I completely burnt out, taking more that I could chew, attending an operating centre, where I spent a lot of time and where I experienced a lot of bullying. I'm not easy to bully, but I felt broken. I couldn't sleep at night. I've had about 30 all-nighters in the course of last summer, maybe more. God only knows how long it will take for me to heal from that. I'm on Trazodone, an antidepressant, the antidepressant function of which is secondary. It helps me sleep, or at least that's what I think typing this post while it's well past midnight. I know this post doesn't look anything like what I want it to. I'm not trying to say that I have a bad life, no, my life is better than most of other lives. It's just so difficult to find another life with whom I'd like to associate with. I have a couple of friends, a good relationship with almost everyone in my family, except for a granddad, who is angrily against my nation, the country where he was born in, and my dad, his son. My dad has always been the closest person to me. He was too pushy at times, controlling. When I failed my physiology exam, he stopped talking with me, and we haven't spoken since. It's been 3 months. In that time I tried improving myself, I'm attending the gym 3 times per week, I'm learning French, I'm learning physiology, I'm reading books, I'm trying to discover myself. The truth is, inside my head, behind all those things I try to accomplish is a little boy asking if he did a good job. The question strikes, asking who? Is he seeking approval? I tried out a few psychologists, they didn't help me that much. Maybe because there is nothing to help with, or because there is too much. I am abstracting myself from everything, I'm trying to looks at everything in detail. I'm a very detailed person, that's why I want to become a surgeon, but right now I'm paying attention to the smallest things possible. Every greeting people use, every person who jaywalks, everyone who's obviously drinking too much, the reasoning behind it. What happened to them? What's in their minds? To think that some of those people are going to be dead tommorow, some are recognized in their spheres of work, some will become homeless, some will get hit by a car. How does your car work? I might have learned some physics, but really, what details would it take for me to built a car? To make things clearer, try thinking about everything as if it was a Lego constructor. You build it piece by piece. Sometimes happens that you are left with a few details you don't know where to fit. Imagine not having an instruction. Imagine being completely free. What will you do? Everyone around is wasting their time, their lives. They scroll on tiktok, they go partying, yet why? To distract themselves, not realizing the depth of the rabbit hole. I'm not going to be with a person who does that. I know this post is too long. I don't care anymore. People are going to ignore it, maybe to complain about it in a different posts, saying that a lot of people use AI while writing posts. I'm just expressing my feelings. I don't know what I should do. Because I'm not happy with the way some things are in my life, but dating is the worst one. I'm young, I know I need to study and work on myself. Can't I study and have someone important in my life? Not just someone, but a partner? This probably sounds really lame. In order to have a partner I want I need to be the person who can make himself into a perfect date. What is a perfect date? And can I get myself into a perfect date without failing miserably, like with the one I had today? Practise makes perfect, but I don't enjoy this particular Practise. I want someone without commitment issues, without daddy issues, without addiction, I want someone who cares for their health, I just want a good person in my life. I want a woman to whom I won't need to explain so many things, but to whom I'll still explain all those things, and she'll explain them to me as well. Again, I am fully aware of how odd this post looks. But this is my scream for help. Back to the dungeon. (edited)