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Azrael
Azrael

15d

ENTJ

Libra

Some more emotional processing. Feel free to ignore me more.

Here it is again. The deaths: 23 years since. I can hardly believe time flies that fast because it feels the same in my stomach today as it did all those years ago. This year the anniversary days nearly line up with the original incident timeline per weekday. Last weekend was the repeat of being told “I hate you” before the onset of this weekend coming. Yup, the person I tried connecting with def left on those notes on the same day they were uttered all those years ago. Cycles aren’t options… no matter how hard I try, here I sit watching the whirlwind all over again. The helplessness. Knowing what was coming and not being able to stop it. Sure I was a child but lives were about to come due. And what’s worse is their dad (my step) echoed the sentiment speaking of old days when children were killed from previous marrages. I wonder if he remember the untimely foreshadowing he gave? I know I can’t forget it. Esp his first words upon my return home were ‘why isn’t she dead, too?!’ So for those of you who don’t know me (which is all lol) this weekend is the trauma anniversary of my brother and sister being murdered by their mother. She had stalked us. Smoking outside windows at night. Breaking in the house watching us sleep. Her journals revealed her actions, plans, and training. She murdered them both and then offed herself. Survivor’s guilt? Absolutely. I tried all I could to stop visitation. I had dreamed of their bodies in that room, bloated from the heat in July in the south. My brother knew and believed me, but kept going to protect her. And she was lost on love for her mother. A woman that really felt she was saving them… well us. But I wasn’t there. And My nervous system never seems to pet go being hunted. Sure I have been stalked since… but they wanted sex. She wanted my death. And that lurking cloud is heavier. Just the same, the next part of the cycle is me reaching out. Seeking connection. Then being trapped and raped for it. See my family didn’t have space for me, and I was new in the school… my brother was my closest friend. We were the reason my mother married his dad. In the aftermath there was no one to lean on, after the brief moment granted by my grandparents neighbor and the passing support of the boy at school the girls bullied me for talking to. The touch I received was by the rapests that trapped me. Because predators saw me unprotected. No other reason. Keep the victim blaming. If teenage girls can’t trust their families, pastors, and neighbors, people need to seriously adjust society. But everyone knows that, don’t we? That’s why all the fantasy media with society collapsing. Anyway, every year since, this time comes. My mind pushes away what it is and yet my body reaches. Finally an opening to meeting someone new and doing something different… I think, as I make all the same mistakes. Hungry for the basic needs met of every other human in times of great grief. I wish my nervous system would accept that it’s not coming snd that predators will continue to use it for their hunger. (In all reality, their unmet needs are not much different from mine. I just refuse to steal autonomy though I suppose thats similar to what I was trying to do when I thought sharing my body meant someone would stay. Def not the same though… because it still left room for their no and I… was not allowed the final word over my body’s sacrament or the conditions in which it was shared with another.)

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Dark Knight 1971
Dark Knight 1971

15d

INTJ

Scorpio

8
7

Change only happens when your tired of your current situation. I lost my son to suicide 9 years ago. I was tired of being depressed, still am, and started to try different positive things to heal. I know that it will always be with me, the scars, but I want to see color in the world again and taste life. The point being that you have to want change and make that change happen for yourself because you are worth it. Thank you for sharing your story with me. (edited)

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𝔞u҉𝔱o҉𝔫o҉𝔪o҉𝔲s҉
𝔞u҉𝔱o҉𝔫o҉𝔪o҉𝔲s҉

14d

INTP

Aries

I'm so sorry. That will be a lifelong struggle. Requiring very understanding and supportive friends and partners just to find a measure of peace. Just finding those people is a difficult enough task to begin with because most people cannot meet those requirements when it comes to such a traumatic background, and likely most people who come into your life offering it will only pretend to be what you need in order to continue their predation. (edited)

I'm so sorry. That will be a lifelong struggle. Requiring very understanding and supportive friends and partners just to find a measure of peace.  Just finding those people is a difficult enough task to begin with because most people cannot meet those requirements when it comes to such a traumatic background, and likely most people who come into your life offering it will only pretend to be what you need in order to continue their predation.

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Scott
Scott

14d

ISTP

Gemini

1
9

That is horrifying. I can’t even imagine. There absolutely nothing wrong with taking this time to grieve. 🫂

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0

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Dhruv
Dhruv

14d

INFP

Aquarius

5
4

I just want to you to know that it's not easy to process what you've been through but I believe you deserve some peace and comfort. I know for the fact ,one day you will escape from this grief and survival mode so that you could live your dream life.. Keep ya head up...

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0

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Ashish
Ashish

15d

INTJ

Aries

6
7

Sounds like it's been difficult for you. I hope it gets better.

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0

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