Evynn

Posted Saturday, April 1, 2023

1y

INTP

Aquarius

Believe in yourself

Believing in myself is... difficult. I was raised by terrible parents who led me to believe I would never be good enough on my own. My mother literally wanted to marry me off to someone bc it was "easier". I have an ex of 8 1/2 years who is an absolute monster in every possible way. I'm autistic, and suffer from trauma related mental illnesses. Being autistic wouldn't be a problem if this world was better set up for neurodivergent folks. The mental illnesses are another matter. I suffer from BPD, Severe Treatment Resistant Depression, and CPTSD, amoung other co-morbid issues. I have comprehension issues and unreality issues. This can make trust in various relationships tricky. I want to be able to trust people, but my reality has literally been screwed with on an intrinsic level. That means I can't always tell if someone is being straight with me or if they're trying to mess with my head. It also means self awareness issues bc I can't always tell when/if something is my fault. I always want to hold myself accountable for my own choices and actions, but sometimes people tell me things are my fault that I don't comprehend or see. It makes it difficult to listen as well as I would like to bc I also want to protect myself from mistreatment and abuse. Now... I'm homeless and it's about 70% my own doing bc of my previous lack of self awareness. The people I was living with couldn't handle me anymore. This isn't even a problem 100% of the time. I have several friends now who have reassured me that I've never done anything to hurt them and that they don't think I'm going to. I dunno. It's been a weird and unfortunate journey. I just want somewhere safe to live.