Deep depression

I do not want prayer.

@Snags you love to suffer then.

@Christopher no, I'm not religious. I don't want prayer, because I don't believe in God or God's or any other religious doctrine. Not being religious is not the same as enjoying suffering. I'm respectful of peoples religions, please be respectful of my decision not to be religious. There's no need to be rude to me because I don't share your beliefs. Doesn't your profile say it's wrong to judge others, and that you're easy going? Seems like you just judged me for not wanting to be religious.

@Snags no..I am telling you the truth, because you don't have a relationship with the creator, its perfectly fine to tell someone the truth, the only truth, your feelings Don't matter. I told you to pray, or you will spend your life in badly influenced thoughts basically.

@Christopher no, I won't. Please stop pushing religion on me, I'm not interested.

@Snags you feel that way i understand, I wish you well.

I never want to listen to music, but I'm disabled and limited mobility, so if someone forces me to listen to music, I can't exactly get up and stop them.

@Snags hum so the solution can be to buy an strong headphones against noise probably. I know it can be a solution against social anxiety.

@www 🤔 I haven't got social anxiety, and there's not really any need for noise canceling headphones.

@Snags I mean if you are in an area and you don't want to listen music an anti noises headphone can be helpful. If it's work for builders it gonna probably help you if you not feel okay with the music.

@www 🤔 I don't go to areas where there is music. So it's not necessary. I spend 160 hours a week in my own home. The 8 hours I spend out of my own home are picking up groceries (the store doesn't play music) or in class. They don't play music in lectures about organic chemistry.

No. I stopped listening to music 17 years ago. There is no "hype" music, it all gets in my head and spins me straight into a depressive downward spiral. I dont have anything that makes me genuinely smile. I used to, that's not a thing anymore. I'm not really a comedian person, there's very few comedians I enjoy, and I don't use tiktok or YouTube. I appreciate the effort, but I haven't been happy or enjoyed anything for a long while. And yes, I do have a therapist. I can only see them once a month, which isn't anywhere near enough.

I do try.

@Snags I know it's hard. Seemingly impossible. Not knowing the kind of music you listen to, not judging it either, sometimes we have to pick the music by our moods. Content helps also. Positive messages when you're low. I'm a metal fan, but at times I hit the oldies and classical. Oldies being from the late 50s to early 70s. But, anything else that can cheer you up? Distract you? Something you once enjoyed, even if when you were younger. Just remember, there is no right or wrong in our emotions, just how we act them out.

@Snags if need to chat more, an ear or proverbial shoulder, I'll do my best to listen.

@Joe I used to listen to pretty much every genre except gospel and yodeling. I had over 20,000 songs on my computer, cases upon cases of CDs, stacks of tapes, a few hundred vinyls. Pop, rock, metal, country, EDM, punk, emo, electroswing, jazz, blues, classical, instrumental, OST, techno, all the things. Music played 24/7, it was either the radio, or my tape player, or my cd player, or my ipod, or my zune. I had a home stereo that had a 60 cd carousel and would just replace cds every month or so. Music was a constant. I was a music major, I did all my class projects with alternative music in an effort to introduce students to thing that weren't pop. I was a piano/vocal major, I've been playing piano for 31 years, and singing just as long (kinda). I wanted to be a lounge singer, I can play 12 instruments. Music was my life. Once upon a time.

@Snags may a sabbatical is in order. Take a step back... 5 minutes, a week, 6 months. Evaluate. How long? Only you can answer that. Maybe try something new. Not long term. An example, I am, a car guy. In school, no girls, just cars and racing. Now, I have found a hobby that causes me not to think, much different than automotive. I paint furniture. Of course losing everything, not because of cars, living in a tent in winter, now getting back up, an apartment, so having nothing, finding furniture, fixing, painting it the way I like. And if not like, then can change it. Not giving up on automotive stuff, just wasn't healthy anymore. Piano... I'm jealous... that would be a another option, Learning music.

@Joe I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

@Snags step back from what you do, evaluate. It use to fulfill you, make joy. Why is it not making joy anymore? Why is it not making you happy? Just an idea. Maybe just a little bit of time to learn something new, something you had an interest in at a point in time.

@Joe I haven't listened to music in 17 years. I think I took a step back. It doesn't make me happy because I internalize everything, and it makes me think horribly depressing things, lyrics or not. I have plenty of hobbies. Videogames, reading, cooking, cleaning, swimming, working out, board games, TTRPGs, writing, studying, axe throwing, brewery hopping...

@Snags ok I mis understood, my apologies. Even so, maybe you're just missing something in life.

@Joe like what.

@Snags only you can answer that Snags. Self searching, what's in you, your heart. Just have to take a step back. Maybe it's music, maybe something new, something you never thought would bring joy back to you.

@Joe it's not music. I'm very self reflective, I can't think of anything I'm missing.

@Snags but it's got to be for you, no one else, it's tough to do at times. I've learned that the hard way. When I say I lost everything, I mean everything.

@Joe I used to be homeless for a few years and I ate rotting food out of garbage cans. I've been at "lost everything." I recently lost my everything, as well.

@Snags and you survived?

@Joe Obviously, since I'm typing to you. I also didn't eat at all for a month and a half, in 2007, ended up in a hospital after I collapsed. I was 82lbs.

@Snags that was more to let you see you survived, that you have the strength inside of you.

@Joe when the option is live or die, sure. I'm still alive, but not for long. Alive doesn't necessarily mean happy, or mentally stable.

@Snags oh I get it. I've been there. Rock bottom was someone else digging the last 6 feet.

@Joe you're dead then? Neat. I've died medically 3x myself.

@Snags oh yes. Dumbutt me. But, have learned to be thankful for every day.

Doesn't matter for me, music without lyrics at all still makes me depressed.

Im here if you need me and hey i hope other ppl and i help you toget out of this spiral ik ill try to

I didn't feel forced, I was forced.

@Snags did someone sot there in a car and turn on music?did someone shove earbuds into your ears and make you listen to music with lyrics?

or did you turn on the music or am i wrong?

@Jesse yes. They did.

@Jesse I did not turn on music, I never turn on music, I actively avoid music and don't even shop at places that play music.

@Snags no matter the music?

@Jesse correct.

@Snags do yk how this started is there a way to help it?

@Jesse I have an idea, and no, probably not.

@Snags whats the idea of it then for how it started?

maybe learning that can help you learn how to slowly fix it or make it manageable

@Jesse my partner, also a musician I worked with closely, was murdered and I was the prime suspect. After that all music reminded me of him. As time went on, music reminded me of other relations, that were abusive.

@Snags so music became a hurtful thing because of the musician and you started connecting every relationship with music

im sorrh that happened maybe you just gotta make your own music?

@Jesse internalizing the lyrics, yes.

that could help try lutting your own feelings into the music sometimes doing the things tbat hurt the most is a way to heal

Absolutely, it makes me depressed. You're the third person to ask that. I was a musician, I can still play 12 different instruments, I was a vocalist, for years I had to have music constantly playing, even when I slept. I'm very well aware that it's "on me." I'm aware it's MY problem. Music makes me depressed, so I avoid it at all costs. Yes. I'm in therapy. Yes I've tried different music. No, nothing has changed in 17 years, it still gets in my head and nearly instantly makes me depressed.

@Snags Well I know from plenty of experience with depression that it’s almost never the actual thing people claim makes them depressed… it’s them and their outlook on whatever that thing may be. It’s great that you’re in therapy, perhaps you can get to the root of the issue. Everyone has their struggles and everyone is capable of changing it. I hope it all works out for you because music is one of the only things that can bring people together regardless of any type of barriers.

@Dylan I know what makes me depressed. I internalize the lyrics, I relate them to my life, it forces bad memories and emotions to the forefront, and makes me feel depressed. Music without lyrics makes me remember times I heard similar things, or experiences I had when I listened to said instrumental last, which makes me think negative thoughts and feel strong negative emotions, which.. makes me feel depressed. The connections I make unwillingly between the music and my bad memories is what causes the depressed feeling. I've been dealing with it for 17 years, I've analyzed the hell out of it. I've been in therapy 20 years and if anything, it's worse now than it was before.

@Snags well good luck I don’t care eaither way but don’t blame the music. Don’t pretend it’s the only thing that’s been apart of your life during bad experiences… have you had poor relationships? Did that stop you from trying again? Like I said everyone is plenty capable of changing their struggles. You’ve already done it, so have I, and so have many others. If you don’t want to listen to music then don’t. But unless you’re strapped down and headphones are forced on your head you can’t be forced to listen. The same way only you can fix the way you think whether it’s with help or not.

@Dylan I was literally forced to listen to music. It was not my choice. And I do try music again, over and over with the same result. When I said I was forced, I meant it.

I already did "look into me." I've been self reflective since I was a kid.

@Snags well, crum. Then you just need to change something. Only you can figure that out. What causes you joy, you need to find it...

@Joe the only thing that caused me joy is gone.

@Snags and what was that?

@Joe my wife. Going on adventures with her was my favourite thing.

@Snags I understand, somewhat. Your bio speaks in the present tense.

@Joe correct. Changing it makes it feel too real. She will always be my wife, to me.

@Snags ok

@Snags but for many years, bio says 24 yo, earlier comment was issues for 31 years. If you meant 13, then 11 yo you were together, got married? 🤨

@Joe I was married to her for 14 years. I did not mean 13, I meant 31. I typed what I meant. I have no idea where you're getting 24? My bio clearly says twice, that I'm 34.

@Snags you're right. It's yellow white purple and black. It looks like 24, my apologies. Have to find something simple to find joy. Talk to her like she's sitting next to. Say what you feel needs to be said. If she knew you, she'd know, and you'd know. When my son passed, has taken 9 years to get to where I am. Always getting better. Seek the things, activities you use to do. If blowing bubbles, play dough, anything. The simpler the better. Unless you feel you need extreme professional help/advice, it's about all my experiences and 34 years of mental professionals has taught me. Next question, do you harbor any guilt pertaining to the loss of your wife? And again I'm sorry about the age mix up.

@Snags oops 19 years since he passed

@Joe not sure how I could feel guilty about her being hit by a bad driver hundreds of miles from where I was. I already have professional help. I'm on my 8th therapist in 20 years.

@Snags therapists are not always productive. You didn't mention other than you lost her, it was just a question, wasn't blaming. You could of had an argument, didn't say to her what you wanted to say, used her toothbrush, etc. Talk to her like she's there, if not done so already. Heart to heart. She seems to be the one, held your heart and soul...