I’ve increasingly come across "nice guys" online. You start talking to someone, everything seems to be going well, and then at some point, you turn them down for something, and they lose it. If initially, the man behaved like a gentleman and tried to prove that he’s not like all the "low-class men," the moment you refuse, he shows his true colours, and all the lovely words become meaningless. Suddenly, you’re hit with random insults or, worse, threats. And yet, you’ve never been one to insult others and always try to approach everything delicately. The "nice guy" phenomenon typically refers to men who present themselves as kind, considerate, and respectful, often contrasting themselves with stereotypically "bad" or "rude" men. However, the problem arises when these "nice guys" feel entitled to something in return for their kindness—often romantic or sexual attention. When they don't get what they expect, they can quickly become resentful, revealing their true, less-than-nice nature. This shift often includes lashing out with insults or even threats, which clearly shows that their initial kindness was conditional. The phenomenon is often discussed in online communities and is criticised because it highlights a manipulative approach to relationships, where "nice" behaviour is just a facade for underlying expectations. The only thing I don’t understand is why some men try to present themselves as gentlemen when they really aren’t. And do you know about this phenomenon yourself?

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1mo

INTJ

Libra

I have experience with this, yes. The lines are pretty cringe sometimes too. "You were the only thing I thought about day and night, all I did was care about you, and now this is what I get. You broke my heart, I wish I didn't open up to you." - Mind you, we weren't even dating. I think they mostly live in their own fantasy, a "quid pro quo" world where their kindness is a ploy to get what they want. And they end up whining like little kids when things don't go as planned. The ACTUAL nice guys? This is how they've acted in my experience: "Hey, I think you're really cool but I don't get the vibe that you're as into me. And I don't want to waste your time and mine, and I also don't want to get hurt because I'm clearly not your type. It was really fun talking with you, and I hope you do find an amazing guy because you deserve it. Wish me luck finding my plus one too!" It all boils down to emotional maturity, in my opinion. (edited)

Emily

1mo

ISFJ

Virgo

That is what narcissism actually is lol... Not how it's just thrown about like it is. Women can be like it too not just guys.

Shaun

1mo

INTJ

Leo

They present themselves as gentlemen because they know that their real selves are unlikable and filled with undesirable traits, as I always said to myself growing up, Be my real self or be no one and have no one.

Donny

1mo

INTP

Sagittarius

Not all of us are like that. I strive to be a respectful gentleman not because I want your attention and to be honest sex is the least of things that's on my mind. I haven't had any type of sexual relations for some 6 years now and perfectly fine to keep going. If I were to hold the door for you, a simple smile and thank would be nice but I'm not aspecting it. Nor am I doing it to hear your words. Hell, I'll hold the door for another man. It's just about being respectful to another human being. The real reason I strive so hard to be a respectful gentleman is because my son is watching me and learning from my actions. I'm a single dad who is trying to raise another real gentleman in a world of ass hats.

Devon

1mo

INTJ

Leo

Guys do this for a reason because they feel like they have to present themselves as such to increase their chances of earning a girls affections. But this can also work against them because if it's really all just an act than the mask WILL eventually come off.

ral.

1mo

ESTP

Capricorn

I will never understand why when their objectives are not met they start insulting, they must have some mental problem.

Mirko

1mo

ESFP

Sagittarius

Nice guys are product of women. They are reised mosty by mothers, listen to women that mosty complain, learn from that, watch romantic movies etc In a way they are women .... more then men. (edited)

Abanoub

1mo

ESFJ

Aquarius

Threats and insults ?! I got rejected and ignored by many and never thought like that ! The only thing i think of at that time that "lets eat a chocolate and chill, she is not the one bro" 😂

Yurii

1mo

INTJ

Pisces

I guess for the same reason why some women present themselves as ladies when they really aren't. Most people presenting themselves the way they aren't all the time. In public, at work or in dating; physically, mentally or emotionally most people are different from how they present themselves. I guess one can think of it as a makeup for character.

1mo

ENTJ

Leo

I literally specialize in this as a career… how much time do you have? Lol

Carol

1mo

ISTP

Aries

If they tell you up front that they're "nice guys," don't believe it; they're lying, 100% of the time. No one has to tell people who they are; their actions speak for them; if they're nice/kind/etc., you'll see it without them telling you. Anyone who tells you they're nice is performatively nice and expects that to be transactional - which isn't nice. And as soon as you respond differently from what they want, they'll show you who they really are.

Peter

1mo

INFJ

Aries

This isn't a nice guy. This is narcissism.

× Curious Girl ×

1mo

ISTJ

finally someone said it.. it happens a lot..

👑eNoLa👑

1mo

ISTJ

Gemini

That's how we see their real character when they don't get what they want. I met some of them before and just cut block or unmatched coz I am not here to entertain this kind of people.

Jan

1mo

INFJ

Pisces

Looks like many men don't understand that this is not critique of being nice, but of being "fake nice", especially the extreme. These "nice guys" the op is talking about are usually really bad guys, only pretending to be nice. They are full of sweet talk and when they get "no" as an answer, they just don't take "no" as answer and really get nasty and suddently call the woman only isults (even tho few senteces back, they were full of sweet talk). So normal guys, It's OK to be NICE, when you're really MEAN IT. And is ok to feel bad about getting "No" as an answer and having lots of feelings about It. It's NOT OK to INSULT ANYONE only because of "No" as an answer.

Alexander

1mo

INFP

Libra

I guess being autistic does have its benefits, since masking doesnt protect you from abelism i learned in my twenties that being fake doesnt let you meet people and/or actuallynconnect with them.

Ivan

1mo

INTP

Pisces

Cringe reddit ahh post ngl

Stephen

1mo

ESTJ

Pisces

I, personally, start as a prick and end as a prick. I believe in a reliable consistency!

Anto

1mo

ISFJ

Cancer

What is a “low-class men”? 🤔

Shay

1mo

INFP

Taurus

There's a difference between nice guys and good guys. Stop looking for nice guys...

Austin

1mo

ISFJ

Taurus

It's not a phenomenon. It's just men wanting to get in your pants and pissed off yo denied them their game. A good guy will just go on doing what he already is comfortable doing and that is keeping to himself. He will say a compliment and wish you the best and understand its okay not to be chosen. "It wasn't meant to be" mentality. Be glad you dodged bullets when they get mad for refusing them. Those are dirtbag men who have made it incredibly hard for the actual good guys to date.

Steven

1mo

INTP

Gemini

Unfortunately its not just with guys, manipulative people come from both sides of the fence.

1mo

INTJ

Sagittarius

It’s not the nice guy ohenomenon - it’s the average entitled person phenomenon.

Brandon

1mo

ENFJ

Pisces

Men you don't get ahead cutting other dudes down online.

Jean

1mo

ENFP

Taurus

Hmmm. There’s complexity here to consider I feel worth mentioning as you are using terms that are quite loaded but recognize you may well be referencing the loaded versions of them and don’t want you to feel misheard for a genuine gripe. If a guy is a giver but can see a clear imbalance developing in the relationship, they may start to fear they have encountered a taker and grow resentful not because they feel entitled but because they fear losing themselves to someone who consistently shows they do not care about their needs (and by needs here, I mean actions required to feel they can trusts in light of the perceived imbalance). In light of that, if the threats you are referring to are I need more of X else I can’t keep giving Y away than the conditional nature of Y might be because they don’t trusts you and fear being taken advantage of. Add in they are most likely they are insecure (surprise surprise, everyone is about something) which in the case of men often presents itself as “if I am not a sex god women flock to, than I socially have no value”. Sex is a soothing mechanism till that is worked on and can come in sideways as a perceived need in light of supporting each other through respective insecurities. All that said, if your partner is in a situation like this and throwing insults outside of how they actually feel (basically anything either than selfish or a word that feels like an attack highlighting the perceived imbalance) then they are being immature. I have a no gendered insults rule in my relationships to show where my stance is, but if threats are physical in nature… yeah that’s a sign you need to peace the fuuu out of a relationship with someone who truly isn’t kind.

Kris

1mo

INTJ

Scorpio

Why is this post very one sided. You mention the guy being the problem but what did you do to resolve the issue aside post on here complaining?

Vladimir

1mo

ENFJ

Taurus

There is another similar phenomenon. This is pissed off nice guy. Someone will say, this is the normal kind of a man. Whatever. We have well mannered and educated male person, who is out of trouble and always ready to help. But has its own boundaries. He knows to shout if needed, he knows to get angry if something goes wrong. But this kind of person for unknown reasons is also considered as " a nice guy". Nice guy is someone who is so much into pleasing others till situation of loosing his own identity.

Teddy Voutour

1mo

ENTP

Libra

"Niceness" is not a substitute for character, it's like icing on a dry stale cake.

David

1mo

INTP

Virgo

There's a duality in everyone. Nice guys can be mean and mean guys can be nice. Rejection hurts and these men who lash out lack the maturity and experience to take that and move on. It's not a facade they put on. They are just human. Albeit maybe immature.

B H

1mo

INTP

Taurus

Woman on this app ghosted me but I didn't mind. I respected her boundaries and unmatched like the good boy that I am.

Braxton

1mo

INFP

Gemini

Nice men won't compare themselves to "bad guys". A true man's kindness comes from the pain in his past, and the way they were raised.

Jordan Mckinnon

1mo

ISFJ

Gemini

These kinda men are really concerning. A lot are incels I'd imagine. Feels like an epidemic.

John

1mo

ENTP

Leo

Can't relate. If someone rejects me I go howl at the moon or something.

Haz

1mo

INTJ

Aries

Doesn't that mean nice guys have to act nasty now?

Melanie

1mo

ENFJ

Virgo

That's because online dating sites are a hotbed for narcissists and the emotionally immature. It's easy to pull off a fake persona for a short amount of time.

Ailyn

1mo

INFP

Libra

Once, I was trying to make a new friend online. I told him I might be getting back together with an ex. So friends only. But a few days later, he asks me out on a date. Then I think he blocked me. But before he did that, he told me “Nice guys always lose.” I wasn’t insulted or threatened. But it was bizarre that he thought that being nice to me meant I won’t reject him. I also didn’t feel comfortable with our age gap at the time (20 and 24). Some people just think that they deserve everything because they can act nice ONCE. They don’t realize that some opportunities (like people we want to date, schools we want to go to, or companies we want to work at) don’t belong to us. If one person got everything, then everyone else would have nothing. (edited)

Joshi

1mo

ISTJ

Aries

Okay.

1mo

INFP

Libra

You're not alone girl. The refusal you give is coming from deep intuition when you know something isn't right about the facade.. its kinda scary

Raven

1mo

INFP

Aries

They usually end up having important jobs as politics

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Have you ever experience such thing? What changed for you?

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Is this where single men come to complain about the ex that just dumped them?

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The reality more hurt than fantasy (edited)

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The "nice guy" phenomenon

Psychology Community

That is what narcissism actually is lol... Not how it's just thrown about like it is. Women can be like it too not just guys.

They present themselves as gentlemen because they know that their real selves are unlikable and filled with undesirable traits, as I always said to myself growing up, Be my real self or be no one and have no one.

Guys do this for a reason because they feel like they have to present themselves as such to increase their chances of earning a girls affections. But this can also work against them because if it's really all just an act than the mask WILL eventually come off.

I will never understand why when their objectives are not met they start insulting, they must have some mental problem.

Nice guys are product of women. They are reised mosty by mothers, listen to women that mosty complain, learn from that, watch romantic movies etc In a way they are women .... more then men. (edited)

Threats and insults ?! I got rejected and ignored by many and never thought like that ! The only thing i think of at that time that "lets eat a chocolate and chill, she is not the one bro" 😂

I literally specialize in this as a career… how much time do you have? Lol

This isn't a nice guy. This is narcissism.

finally someone said it.. it happens a lot..

That's how we see their real character when they don't get what they want. I met some of them before and just cut block or unmatched coz I am not here to entertain this kind of people.

I guess being autistic does have its benefits, since masking doesnt protect you from abelism i learned in my twenties that being fake doesnt let you meet people and/or actuallynconnect with them.

Cringe reddit ahh post ngl

I, personally, start as a prick and end as a prick. I believe in a reliable consistency!

What is a “low-class men”? 🤔

There's a difference between nice guys and good guys. Stop looking for nice guys...

Unfortunately its not just with guys, manipulative people come from both sides of the fence.

It’s not the nice guy ohenomenon - it’s the average entitled person phenomenon.

Men you don't get ahead cutting other dudes down online.

Why is this post very one sided. You mention the guy being the problem but what did you do to resolve the issue aside post on here complaining?

"Niceness" is not a substitute for character, it's like icing on a dry stale cake.

There's a duality in everyone. Nice guys can be mean and mean guys can be nice. Rejection hurts and these men who lash out lack the maturity and experience to take that and move on. It's not a facade they put on. They are just human. Albeit maybe immature.

Woman on this app ghosted me but I didn't mind. I respected her boundaries and unmatched like the good boy that I am.

Nice men won't compare themselves to "bad guys". A true man's kindness comes from the pain in his past, and the way they were raised.

These kinda men are really concerning. A lot are incels I'd imagine. Feels like an epidemic.

Can't relate. If someone rejects me I go howl at the moon or something.

Doesn't that mean nice guys have to act nasty now?

That's because online dating sites are a hotbed for narcissists and the emotionally immature. It's easy to pull off a fake persona for a short amount of time.

Okay.

You're not alone girl. The refusal you give is coming from deep intuition when you know something isn't right about the facade.. its kinda scary

They usually end up having important jobs as politics

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Is this where single men come to complain about the ex that just dumped them?

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