Ct Smacey

Posted Friday, June 2, 2023

10mo

ISTP

Sagittarius

7

8

State of mind today

Absolutely trash. Last night playing taboo with my brother and wife. The answer is Adultery and I used my brother former affair as an excuse. I regret not passing the card. This morning went to the cemetery with my mom, my aunt and his husband and my 2 younger brothers. I never take mandi hadas. Only like once or twice in my life. I got into a disagreement with my aunt. About saying that it's the benefit of being a male. And my brothers don't understand that Muslim women need to do that bath ritual after their menses ends. As my family went to clean and visited around 7 graves. I only attended to 2. I made unnecessary remarks that my mom and my aunt disapproved off. Like casually talking and one being "have fun". I knew I made my aunt uncomfortable. As I watched my aunt visiting the grave. I recalled a statement my friend said. If you die overseas, your body is best to be buried in the country you died in. I told myself I wish to die not in my home country so my family don't have to look after my grave. Lunch time. I knew my aunt was looking at me with dissatisfaction. I had to sit next to her and my mom and was feeling uncomfortable. I cleared my table and decided to sit nearby where the car was parked. I didn't tell them where I was. I kinda wish I could go home there and then. We went to dropped my brother off and went to my other brother place who's living with his in law. My other brother will be living with my parents and I for the next 2 days. We went up to get refreshment and ready his two daughters to go out to fetch his wife from work. The car was park next to the car. My Mom said "be careful not to scratch the car" my brain said nope I'm not going in there given the size of my body and I'm afraid to scratch the car by accident. Instead of articulating these, I yell "don't want" several times. Why? My mom was holding on to me and said its ok but i was reluctant. My aunt said " I can't be bothered with this kind of behavior" in our mother tongue. And my mom let go of me. At this point on, I think i should avoid all family outing that involve my mom and aunt together. I'm a disgrace. I told a friend I wish I could die overseas. But I also told myself, I ain't gg to die till I see the end of One Piece. I don't want to be involve with my family. I won't make comments. I want to put on my earpiece when we go out. So YeH chaotic childish moments