Posted Thursday, November 10, 2022
3yDid I screw up a friendship?
I have male and female friends and talk about my dating life openly when asked, but recently discovered one of my friends doesn't like when I date. He was talking about how I was stringing him along, making him think he'd "get lucky" and then bragging about my dating life. I don't bring it up unless asked, and I've made it clear I have no romantic / sexual intentions with him, but I feel guilty. We went on 4 dates about 8 years ago and mutually agreed it didn't work, I thought nothing of it and felt happy with our platonic friendship. Apparently this wasn't mutual. I don't want a friendship with someone who is looking for more from me. Am I being unfair? Is it possible to have male friends who don't want to pursue more? Should I have done something different?
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3y
Now, having been gaslit in the past, I feel like I need to let you know that what you're describing is not gaslighting. You did nothing wrong. You stated your feelings and you have every right to those feelings. He wanted more than you were willing to give him and that's on him. His reactions to your actions are his responsibility, just as you're reactions to his actions are your responsibility. If we let our responses and reactions be guided by the actions of other all the time, we would end up never doing what we truly want to do. Don't let him deminish your feelings. It is possible to have make friends who don't want more. Rare af, but possible. You did everything that you should have done because you honored yourself. Well done. I'm proud of you.
3y
ok, so yes, I think it is possible but both have to agree on why it never can work between them. HOWEVER, even then a heterosexual man will always in some way be physically attracted to a woman's body. What some women don't understand is that a guy can be sexually attracted to you without wanting to "be" with you. This is mainly why the concept of FWB is popular and often working. Men can desire you, especially if he sees certain body parts of you, or if he smells a certain scent, or whatever turns him on. Does that make sense? For such a friendship to work, you have to know what turns him on, and try (it won't always be possible and you should not incarcerate yourself neither) to avoid those "triggers" when you are alone with him. I hope this makes sense? Edit: I want to add that obviously there are nuances to what I said above. Mature men, who truly value the friendship, can easily surmount the potential occasional "heatwave", and in your case it is clear the guy had not yet fully accepted the separation. When man-woman friendships fail, it's often coming down to him feeling in some way attracted to her, very rarely the other way around. And at times the guy will swear he doesn't want to be with her. I just think there must be something with desiring sexually vs. wanting to be together...That's how I explain it to myself. (edited)
3y
One of my closest friends is someone I dated for 3 months and had a sexual relationship with. We broke up, reconnected, and realized we clicked great as friends. We have no boundaries in conversations. We're clear were we stand. You may have been clear, he was not. He ruined the friendship.
3y
From a guy who expirenced this a decade ago.. Friendship with a person who you dated before is extremely difficult.. It's different for men and women. Most of the time women get the better end of this friendship.. Men can't express Well not everyone is confident and macho some are just simple dude. Although it's not ideal for women it is the reality.. He just couldn't let go of you.. He just accepted hoping to rekindle the flames in time.. But he got fed up now.. And want to move on
3y
If you feel uncomfortable, just step back. This is not your fault. You don't promise anything to him, so it's his fault if he put some hope to you.
3y
I don't think it's unfair, from what you're saying here at least. He overstepped the boundary of a platonic relationship. It's up to him now whenever this is salvageable or not, if he really valued the friendship he won't let it go to waste, but don't mistreat him or give him reasons to believe the opposite now.
3y
Do not be guilty, it is up to you if you wana to date or not. If you have friends, it’s not they bisness who you date with. The only thing male friend can do, he might ask you whether you want to date with him, whether you want to give him a chance to show you that he could be your partner in the future, that is all. :) if they do not know what the friends are, that is they problem. They are destroying relationship, not you. :)
3y
He screwed up a friendship not you.
3y
Obviously we lack another point of view here to get some actual advice on this, but based on the info you're telling us, I can say some things. I've done that, I've been there, trying to supress my feelings for a friend who I know won't love me back but still hope one day will, and that's on me, totally. If you've been always honest I don't think you should feel responsible (which shows empathy from you, so good) and be troubled in any way, try to talk to him but please, don't feel sorry for him, sometimes we need rough truth in the face to get going.
3y
Men and women are not designed to be friends. We are designed to come together matrimonial union. So he should of realized that and confronted you about it earlier
3y
He sounds obsessive / narcissistic, making everything about himself. If you've been clear you have no interest and he's still taking everything you say as some indication he's going to "get lucky" he may have a screw loose upstairs? Dunno... Hope not, but... (edited)
3y
Men and woman can't be friends like that there is always one that will want and expect more that doesn't mean you did anything wrong it just is what it is.
3y
You're not the one being unfair. A very similar situation happened to me with my best friend. And we both decided that it just wasn't going to work. And he is managing and dealing with his feelings for me. He doesn't get angry when I date and he doesn't stop asking about the other people I'm dating. And that's how it's suppose to be when you are friends with someone.
3y
You told him the way it was and he decided to be an incel about it. That's not your fault. As far as whether or not it's possible to have platonic male friends I would say yes from my experience of having many female friends that I've never tried to date or come onto creepily.
3y
If you are a pretty girl, all of your man friends hope that they will get lucky. 100%,no exceptions. The one you are complaining about is just saying something about it, that's the only difference. Just a simple fact.
3y
You basically sumed it all up "get lucky" sounds like his intention was to just keep you around as a friend in hope that moment arises. Your not being unfair at all. Doesn't sound like a friend, sound's more like a predator. If someone isn't bringing positivity to your life, remove the headache. You both have different intentions.
3y
You are not wrong. (Pls read all of this) I don't want to sound like a butt but I think he is being manipulative in a way especially if the relationship has ended how you say it did. He's jealous and he still wants to be with you. he faked it this long when he should not have and he should have been open and honest from the jump. but we all do things we regret. I would really hate to be him his situation And I'd hate to be you too. I personally don't believe I can be friends with my ex unless I know I am happy and have moved on and well....find someone else of course. Otherwise I'm digging myself a hole acting like everything is fine while seeing her grow and find love again while I'm there wishing it worked out with the person who I love. He should not have blamed you for his mistake saying your stringing him along. He is not being genuine and telling you how he feels the right way and that's what this is imo.
3y
All male frds will fantasize about a women friend who's more than just a frd to them , it's better you keep distance and create boundaries cuz men with expectations lead on to you giving them hope It's better to burn the hope and be true to urself even though it might mean itl change things between you n him so better now than drag it along giving him hope of smday things will get better between u sorts Just tell him it's been a good frdship and you respect that and hint him to move on cuz you don see the same future with him He might get bit arrogant and selfish at first but if he cherished you he'l know theres nothin for sure n try to move on You gotta make it clear cuz guys cling on any hope so no more playful flirting n stuff with him whatsoever And if it comes to it you shud be prepared to let go of him so he can find his way for himself than hang on in hopes
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