Posted Monday, August 10, 2026
1moDATING: Am I the problem??
My thoughts on dating at the moment. Is it me?? Am I the problem?? I very well could be. Here’s what I look for in someone and please let me know if my standards are outrageous. 1. Decently attractive (of course I’m not a 10/10 and I don’t expect someone else to be either but I need to be somewhat physically attracted to someone) 2. Compatible communication styles (I prefer someone who’s not a dry texter but also someone who doesn’t need to be communicating with me 24/7 to be comfortable. I need some space too. I also like people who are upfront and honest when talking about things. I don’t like guessing what someone is feeling) 3. Someone in a reasonable age bracket and location range from me (since I’m 27 usually my age bracket is from 25-35 but I am willing to pursue someone older if they match everything else I look for. Younger than 25 makes me feel weird but not out of the question. Definitely no one younger than 21. And as for location, I’m down for doing long distance however there is something to be said about spending time in person so I prefer someone who is of reasonable distance from me where I can drive there, they can drive here, or we can meet in the middle without it being too much of a hassle) 4. Someone who is not looking to hook up, but looking for a meaningful relationship. (I don’t do hook ups. Not my thing. In fact it takes me a while to become comfortable with someone to the point where I even consider moving things to a more physical level. A lot of people move faster than me and I’m well aware of it but I am also upfront and honest about how I feel too) 5. Someone who believes in and supports human rights including LGBTQ+ (I’m bisexual myself), Women’s/reproductive rights, Immigrant rights, Supporting POC/BLM, Workers rights, all of the things etc. Specifically fellow Americans I do look for this. I can’t morally be with someone who doesn’t believe in certain groups of people having rights and that’s my preference. 6. Not super duper religious (I’ll be honest I grew up Christian and I have no problem with anyone who practices a certain religion. But I don’t want to be expected to or pressured into practicing a religion. And if the religion you follow causes you to violate my number 5 then that’s also when I’m not okay with it. Other than that, I have no issue.) 7. Not dead set on having kids (at this point in my life I don’t really want children. I probably won’t be the right person for someone who is dead set on starting a family because I’m not sure and I won’t be pressured into it) 8. Someone who likes to do things with me (I feel like this is obvious but sometimes it really isn’t. I do want someone who likes to spend time with me. I’m not necessarily a person who goes out and parties and drinks every night but once in a while I like to go out. I also like doing cute activities together. I want someone who likes to do things and won’t complain that I drag them to things. But I also do enjoy spending time at home. I like a balance) 9. I like nerdy people (this isn’t so much a mandatory thing but I find that nerdy people are more likely to get along with me and understand me because I’m also a nerd about certain things. I don’t even care what someone is a nerd about as long as it’s something. Usually me and these types of people have overlap in what we like and that’s also cool. 10. Loyal (I am monogamous and I want someone all to myself. I’ve been cheated on in the past and literally as long as you don’t cheat on me you pass this one) Let me know guys, is this too much to ask? At this point it might be. Maybe there’s something wrong with me tbh. Anyone else feel the same? Honestly maybe I’m just ugly too 😂 if you want to talk about or vent about your dating experiences my messages are open as well Edit: guys I don’t straight up send this list of things to people. Some of these things I can find out by myself if a person does have it in their profile. Other things I find out just through conversation or as time progresses. But I also don’t want to waste my time. Many of you are right, the nature of online dating has ruined a lot of things. Some of you have messaged me asking about how long it does take for me physically meaning sex because some people want to test that before and that could be the problem, and all I have to say about that is if someone wants to test my body like that then they’re not for me. Trust me I know that’s the problem with me for some people but I’m not changing that boundary. I’ve also had people reach out who are in a completely different state or country from me and like I said, I prefer someone who is of reasonable drivable distance away from me because how else can I spend a significant amount of time with someone in person you know? Maybe I seem too picky but these are things that matter to me when looking for a long term relationship because potentially someone might be who I spend my whole life with. Thank you guys for your insights 💖 (edited)
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I think that everything in your list is actually pretty normal and reasonable. So I don't think you're the problem at all. I think I that in my opinion the problem is that we're slowing being conditioned to look for commitment and longevity less and less. Everything is presented as instant and arguably that there is no lack of options, so you don't have to miss out on any and everything. 🤷🏻♂️ That's a digression though 😂
I have almost the exact same standards, which shouldnt be that hard to find but it feels almost impossible. I limit the age a bit more just because my cousin is 34 and just feels weird to meet people my cousin couldve gone to school with. I want to go to cafes or bookstores or parks not a bar or game. I think your pretty, definitely above average at least, so i dont think its your looks, but people seem to want a specific type of relationship without the work of a relationship or anything else. Its definitely hard to find someone even okish in the dating world right now
To know if you are the problem, I recommend 3 things: self-recognition therapy (seeing yourself in the third person), talking about this topic openly with someone who can tell you the truth about yourself; for this, it is necessary that you avoid feeling offended by knowing how others perceive you. And the third thing, message me in the DM.
Let me be clear: You are not ugly. Not by any measurement or scale. Period. Also, your list is your preference. If it's something you feel you need, then stick to it. Do not settle, do not "give in" because they check "some" of your boxes. You are young, you have plenty of time to meet your perfect person. And they probably WON'T be perfectly aligned with you at first. That's not usually how it works. Still, be sure of what you want and stand by it.
Your standards are perfectly reasonable. I think the issue is (especially when it comes to online dating) is how many options there are and how available everything is. There are so many choices that it becomes mind numbing. I too am in a similar situation. It was a much easier time when we could just meet a person and get to know them but social media and technology fundamentally ruined not only the dating scene but our views of dating.
It's not bad to have standards; the important thing is to accept other people as they are and with their standards too. If you meet someone who doesn't meet your standards 100%, just evaluate if that person can contribute more to your thinking, and if not, keep looking.
In fact, everything these days comes down to material things. Everyone is only looking for those who are materially rich instead of emotionally and intellectually rich. I've been around this world for a while and have seen and experienced a lot. Maybe someone has money, a nice car, or a space-age apartment, but what does it matter if you will only be temporarily in their life and they will treat you like a toy? I'm not saying that every rich person is like that, but after meeting many people and having conversations with various individuals, I can say that it's a significant percentage.
No its not to much to ask 👍
Nie, internet to problem, aby znaleźć kogoś, uwierz mi... Byłem w krajach, gdzie byłem uważany za 11/10, ale kobiety zachowują się tak samo jak w internecie. Za dużo opcji i łatwo zmienić. To sprawia, że ludzie nie są chętni do spotkania z kimś. Nie popieram LGBT i Palestyny (z powodu muzułmanów i terrorystów, którzy niszczą zachód, używając tej flagi), więc nie znajdę wspólnego języka z kobietami, które to popierają. Supporting illegals ending as it ends now in USA and other countries.... one day those will hurt you and other girls and womans as we can hear. (edited)
You seem to have sincerity and respect in your writing. I hope you meet a good person and be happy.
I would like to know you better
I really liked your patterns, I think I fit perfectly into them, the only problem is the huge distance between us 😅
So, let's look at the guy you want. Nerdy (which is a bit time consuming and typically means they spend their free time being in small groups, or alone) while also being outgoing and decently handsome. Tack on the age difference (bearing in mind that men mature slower than women). Then, you want someone who's not going to discuss sex. That depends on a lot of factors, but I think as a guy, they want to know they won't be 'friend zoned'. Not so much rushing you, but worried that if they wait too long, it appears they come off as having no desire for it. Then, point 5. IMO? Drop this. How someone feels about a specific group is based heavily on their own experiences and interactions. Instead of 'someone who supports it', at least reduce it to 'someone who isn't strongly against it'. You'll likely find that by you being around it, and they being in your life, they get more experience with it — and likely positive experiences with it, if that's what you feel your own influences bring you. I would personally say that the list is rigid. It means that you'll have a high rate of failure. It means that you'll have to put in the work, and you'll see people who meet quite a few of these, but fail in other areas. Consider if you're willing to compromise in any areas — and if so, where. But at the end of the day. Is that what you need to be happy? If so, does it matter if it's unreasonable? If you can't live with anything less, then you
Best place to meet good people is the real world where there isn't the same perverse incentive to deceive as dating apps... School, work, mutual friends, etc... you get to observe people in their natural habitat and get a better sense of who they are, it's how I met my fake bandmate (who I may or may not be in love with...)
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