Universes

Talkingtobunnies

talkingtobunnies

Less fishing and more lobster trapping. Just got to refresh the bait and see if anyone stopped by.
Mouse 🐁

Keep those accounts active

And the only thing you can change in the end is yourself. 
Now it is late and we have an early morning, and maybe some archery if I am good. 
Goodnight little ones, sleep tight
Love you
Mouse 🐁

Remember, there is no winning

But sausages have two















All I seem to be able to do is to replace despair with hope and hope to be abated from despair for a short while. I can only tend to the flames and embers. Maybe oneday they will flourish and bloom beautifully

All things have an end

Somewhere out there

I am once again sitting on a rock at a crossroads, and in writing this I believe I have made my decision. One way is to live with the intent of solitude the other companionship. I know I want company, I just needed to manafest it somehow. But in a connection between two people and not merely dating genders. I don't want to simply date a girl, as I hope they don't want to date a boy. I want to find someone (maybe oneday) who I like/love and they feel the same for me. For who we are as people and not what we are as members of a species.
But for Now I will just use my hope for warmth in my bed. And maybe if I am good, then some magic might just occur.
But that is enough from me, it is time for a nap.
Mouse 🐁

Unsure of the future

There has been an interesting shift in Zeitgeists as of late. Or perhaps it is solely my confirmation bias, hard to tell these days. 
I am super tired so it may take me a while. I wish to speak on neurosis or anxiety for the cooler kids. It seems to me that we live in an over stimulated age. Crazy take, I know, but I think it is expressing itself in ways we fail to connect, from hygiene to social interactions, shopping patterns to dating styles. Now I can only speak for myself and how my warped little way of seeing things... oh and education preferences and standards. A zeitgeist in every systematic possibility, out of the waazoo if you will. I suppose Aesop rock was righter than I previously thought. Then the question of quality of life impact and when is too much or not enough. Which then goes into feedback loops and the breaking or paradime shifts that occur. 
Gods I am terrible at explain my point. What ever this will be a long journey post as I feel.
Mouse 🐁
C1:
Perhaps it is more a voyeuristic age. More on this later
C1*: you know what your right, if you don't want feed back on rough drafts do them in the dark. Fair point.

Zeitgeists of the modern age

Oh how I wish you lay down and give in to gravity. To let nature have whatever she wants, the fickle mistress. I am unsure why I keep stumbling forward, I mean there are my dreams and desires, but I have more than enough reasonable doubt in their possibility of coming true. Always the mouse groom friend, never the mouse groom.
So I wish to lay down and let my tears floe and my joints ache. So I shall do just that. Goodnight 
Mouse 🐁

So tired but hope won't let me lay down

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Mouse 🐁

It is kinda funny

Then to shave my head. It feels like a cold one this year, even without standing by myself. Hopefully one day I will have someone to stay warm with.
Mouse 🐁

Man it is time for a nap

Oh right, makeup

A tiny psmole, to nuzzle and kiss. To drown in affection, and share every little cat thing with. I miss you shooting lazers at me, and being rambunctious. I miss so many things, and in many ways I wish I was rather dead than in this nightmarish world without you. But alas that is not my fate, and I refuse to be a statistic just yet. I truly did love you, and I hope you are well.
Mouse 🐁

I miss having a little kitten

Such a simple concept, devishly simple it seems. Perhaps that is why it is so hard to achieve. The simpler the concept the trickier it is to achieve. It is easier to follow a speed limit than it is to be a good person, despite the idea of a speed limit is significantly more complicated and modern in the grand scheme of thing. I doubt the great philosophers debated on the efficacy of soft and hard speed limits. Where as to be a good person demands certain aspects to already be in motion, which then goes into ethics and value theory, and then the whole issue of doing what you decide is right. 
Balance requires two sides, and they must meet where is right. Too much or too little on either side and it all falls apart. And falling apart is something I am fairly well accustomed to, but so is putting myself back together. I maybe fragile, but my fastening system is fairly robust. So now I need to practise when to and when not to engage. For a brain seeking, the internet is a wonderful thing, but like a land of temptation can trap and poison you if you are not careful. And with as few people I have at my back, it is up to me to be vigilant. So I hope I get just a little better each day. Anyway it is time for sleep
Mouse 🐁

Balance

Other than the cat children, gods I miss those hairballs. I miss pretending that they were every cat I saw and baby talking to them their little reactions brought me so much joy. They brought me so much joy, I hope they experience such joy for as long as they can.
Mouse 🐁

Do you know what I miss the most

Of your septum percing on my face when we kissed
Mouse 🐁

I will miss that feeling

Thay person no longer exists, so I guess keep dreaming or whatever

Yeah, that won't work

But like with all hopes, I do not hold my breath. To seek absolution in another is a fools errand like no other. Especially when the person you seek this from no longer exists. But I would also be lying if I said I did not hold these eggs a little closer. They may very well he golf balls or some other misnomered object my tiny brain has yet to be able to discern, hoping that they spring forth the greatest desires. But i also realise the impossibility, for I wish to turn back time. To go to what was, and with this mentality I squander not only the present but the future as well. But I cannot bring myself to dash them. How does one kill a dream, a desire... I mean replacement therapy I suppose, but that would be unfair to the replacement. I find the idea of rebound relationships cruel. And I care not for being anything other than my wart ridden self. So if replacement is not an option, that leaves riddance of the siren. But we are now talking about a level of control I have only heard of. Ubermensch-ien levels of legend. Something so heroic entire societies are built in following that path in hopes of achieving a simulacra, if the original ideal cannot exist. A form in essence. But perhaps I am staring at an ant hill. And this is something very easy to do, and I am always am just a whiny baby. I don't know, all I know is that out of all the things to deja vu, I would really like this one to be more than just a comforting image Mt diseased brain decided to present me as an olive branch.
Anyway work time
Mouse 🐁

A dream I wouldn't mind coming true

And the temptation into...well what I would call degeneracy calls. So many offer such small pleasures and for so cheap, but these are stop gaps at most. But in this tension is where I will find one of my hopes, in it's removal one day. 
Mouse 🐁

It is hard to stand on your own

That was a cute kitten, but just not ment for this world. The good die young (confirmation biasedly), and the rest of us remain to become grayer. 
Yet another memory that pushes it's way into the forefront of my brain, a nicer time, a warmer time.
But all I do now is complain, without putting in any of the work. Thus I have forfeited my right to be heard. I ask not for help, but just complain of my situation. 
But I do dearly hope that one day I do find a place like that again. I know it will take my hand but it also takes two to tango.
Anyway, just wanted that sad memory out of my brain, sorry for dumping it on you.
All the best 
Mouse 🐁

R.i.p. tater tot

This year's sad is kicking my butt there tiny ones. Without you in my life, I find it harder than most years. Thankfully I am in a job that I can work sad. That seems to be what I need to aim for. A place I can work depressed. That means sales are out of the picture, and teaching in a professional setting. 
I find myself having a hard time living for myself, I would much rather live for others. It is though my reward system is broken, (which I mean it is) and thus I can only really get the co tact reward from helping others. 
But I would be lying if I didn't say that this veil of never ending darkness wasn't at least a little bit cozy. It makes me feel like a bad person for finding comfort here. But it feels like one of the few constant in my life. There will be times of thick, but thin is constant, thin is pure. Blue in my mind is a vastly more expressive colour than another. And I have learned to survive here, not thrive. But that seems nothing more than a fairytale, like an non explotative monetary system or retirement. Dear me how I wish to lay down with yous, but it isn't my time yet. And living out of spite can be just as good as any other.
Enough sad time,
Time for work.
Mouse 🐁

Only human

There was an interesting radio lab (I think or perhaps a story telling show, can't remember) about this story of a crab. The crab had a partner and they would groom each other helping to clean what the other couldn't reach. The protagonist crab felt bad because their partner always cleaned them so thoroughly and he felt like he was slacking a bit. one day the partner had to leave but promised that they will be back. They never made it back.
The years went on and the protagonist crab waited and found a fellow lonely crab. They would help each other with the cleaning but not to the same extent. He was acceptable but not caring, not like the partner. So as he sat being cleaning he thought that maybe perhaps all the debris that would end up on him was secretly his partner coming back, just in little pieces. Maybe they did keep their promise, just in a way other than expected.

It was a nice enough story and to be fair it is just the cleaning part that I am reminded of, as of late. 
As I slowly lose weight I have been breaking out a little more. But it is the ones on my back that remind me of the story. My ex loved to attack my back pimples (not that uncommon I believe) and whilst it hurt, (and I know not the best thing to do) it helped me to feel cleaner. But now they are a little harder to reach and it is up to me to find them. Just a little memory I wished to share with you little buns,
Love you
Mouse 🐁

It reminds me

I don't know, but this is the best I got huh? Will I ever be again? I doubt it. How did I get so lucky the first time, how did I screw it up. More like how didn't I screw it up. Christ I sound like max Payne. Now that's depressing... but don't forget why you are here. And some may join you but you ought to not seek out companionship. And whilst not destructive, do and try to not get attached. We are to stand alone. This is our punishment. an atonement that will never come but that must be strived for none the less. And seek no mercy, for there is none to find. You had your happiness, now it is time to pay. And there is a lot of debt to cover. These small mementos and markers is the only thing you get from here on out. Best of luck me,
Mouse 🐁

Almost over huh?

Am I wrong for wanting to be loved? Then why do I feel guilty? Why wouldn't I... my love has not been exactly the most wholesome or wanted thing. I feel a bit like a poison oak, and then wonder why people can't be near me. This isn't anything new, but it feels like this pain never healed right. I being the little mouse I am look up to the birds flying and can't but help feel jealous and quasi formed. It is funny, one of the last stories I experienced with my ex was the coffin of Layla and Andy. Truth be told it was the raunchier ending that I was more interested in the time but what I found instead was a tale not to dissimilar to that of azula from atlab. A character(s) scorned by their parents and peers who finds comfort and safety in their partner (who just so happens to be their brother). And the story is about many concepts but a warped and twisted love is part of it. And sure there are less kosher themes, but they are played more are tools for ashely to secure her position to her brother. I mean she practically outright murdered her brothers first girlfriend, so what isn't on the table. In the end ashely, in my understanding just wants stability and love, but is such a warped character that they seem almost antithetical to the mere idea. That is why despite the Rauch ending, there is the let go and the crash endings as well. One thing is certain, this relationship cannot continue in it's current course. There must be a change somewhere less on of them end up dead. But it is the archetype story of ashely that I find drawn upon, of just wanting to be loved, and in that greed being turned into this evil being. I wish I could say I didn't feel the same way. I wish a lot of things, but the evidence points to the opposite. So is it wrong, no. But I don't know how to move forward in a "right" direction. Other than letting go. But isn't that saying in an odd sense that, while it is not wrong to be loved, but much like lennie small, you love wrong, and end up doing much more harm than you ever intentioned. 
Then the idea of killing the idiot arises. You can talk to a smart man, but there is no hope for an idiot. Best put them out of their misery. But I find no one so merciful. So here I am stuck, and I find myself torn. So perhaps I must become more akin to a bird watcher or game warden. Only from afar, maybe that is how death feels. I don't know, other than that was a deep question. And it feels... I won't say good but better unearthing it, and letting this festering purification atleast see light of day.
Work time
Mouse 🐁

Is it so wrong?

I wonder what you all would say to me. I wonder what you would say to me. Probably "Hmm? And everything alright?" As I stirred you from slumber. I am still unsure what it is I hope for. I think I hope to be the man who deserves the love he wants. I cannot control who loves me or in what way. But I can control who I am and whether or not I deserve it. I also hope to be a good craftsman, I hope to give respect to those before, and instill a love after me. I also hope to live a small simple life where I can spread my tiny wings and be the little freak I am (affectionary). But that is enough nonsense for now.
It is time for some more sleep.
Love you buns,
Goodnight 
Mouse 🐁

Shh, it is time for sleep silly

Now I will be the first to admit, I am not perfect. Especially with regards to eye pro. And I have finally paid the price; I have a small fleck in my eye. So I shall see how the removal goes. It was only a matter of time especially when you throw around enough sparks. I am sure this will be okay, and take it as a learning lesson I suppose.
Anyway, I have some time to kill.
Hope you have a good day,
Mouse 🐁

Well it finally happened

Some of the art lessons you tried to teach me have seemingly stuck. Not great, but far more than I ever expected. I can kind of put my visual thoughts down a little. Yet another thing I have to thank you for
Mouse 🐁

Well, I guess I learned more than I thought

You tempt me yet again with your mathematicaly curated content, but I am here for a reason. To get out these emotions and over think my head off. But what was I gonna say, I forget but I also have plenty still to say. First, sometime you get little mercies from both others and also yourself. And the only way to know you aren't ready ironically is to try. I do also find it funny how often people say your a nice guy (in the literal sense not the derogatory term) and that you will find what you seek... just not here. It sort of furthers the idea of not really belonging anywhere. A jack of not only trades but also locations. A jack of all, but nowhere to call home. Like every pair of shoes is ill fitting but in different ways. But I am okay, learning a bit more and finding out that, yes you should listen to others but in the end you should also trust your own judgemental from looking at all the evidence you can. Anyway, short on time today.
Mouse 🐁

Not today omnissiah

My city has a population of feral rabbits, not just hares, but honest to goodness bunny rabbits. Floppy ears and domestication marks and all. And as I leave archery what do I see but two white and cream rabbits, nibbling away on grass. At first I thought you were more native hairs, but your coats were too soft and ears too short. Speaking of which, you perked them up at me as I drove past, but you didn't run. I wonder what you mean to say, I wonder what I will interpret in this pure luck of chance. In archery there was another lady, around ish my age, shooting an Olympic ilf style bow (I shoot bare ilf) and once again I bring my hopes up. But halfway through this dance in my brain I force myself to be sad. I listen to some music that brings back the grief and sadness I so desperately cling to. 
I do not want to hurt anyone again... myself included. I know from previous experiences just how dangerous myself and love can be. I don't want to cause anymore harm. So when I find myself glancing their way, i knock myself on my head, a gentle reminder. So little bunnies, what sign are you giving me, that I am too harsh on myself or that I an on the right path. I don't know. But it is time for rest.
Goodnight little buns, love you
Mouse 🐁

So now you send me a sign

Long nap aside, and some food in my belly. I don't feel much better. But that is okay. The world seems so big and I so small. And I guess that is where fear and curiosity lie. Both are the same just under different light. But I can hang out with you my little buns. You are already long gone, so I hope you don't mind the company. I also don't know where my ability to draw came from. Never could, but if I take my time, it happens. It is all a jumbled mess, and I am unsure what to say. Wish me luck little buns
Mouse 🐁

I am still unsure

Dysthysmia is what they call it. I have also heard high functioning depression. I don't really know what to call it, other than the weight on my shoulders or the mire, or well. It feels like a sticky oil, slick but greedy. It says cruel things and pulls every string and card you wanted to secretly. I think it is lonely, and it tries to manipulate you into stay. It promises to always be there. And the worst thing, is that it is more right than not.
People get tired of trying to drag someone along. They care at first, everyone wants to help when it is easy. But like dandelions, it isn't a grand one time effort. That seems to be... at least my Achilles tendon. If it is a grand motion, I can push and do. But when it is small but constant, this is where I falter. 
Well I mean there is an end. There is always an end. But that end does not interest me. I made a promise and I intend to keep it. I just things turned out differently, you know? But no good comes from dwelling on the past. So I will do what I must to survive, and go from there. I would ask for mercy, but there is none to be found, especially from myself.
Anyway nap time
Mouse 🐁

A deep sadness that never ends

While it feels like a lifetime ago, I swear it did happen. I know I seldom believe it too. But I pull no chains or legs, I tell the truth.
A truth that flashes before my eyes time and time again. It simply is, but I can try and see it however I like. A truth I wish I could go back to, but sadly this life doesn't work in reverse, no matter how many prayers i send to weird al. But that is enough silliness for today, it is time for sleep.
Goodnight 
Mouse 🐁

I was loved

All of you, but one more than the others. I truly must have had the greatest years of my life to be suffering in their absence. Once again I neglected you, and for that i am sorry, but I cannot bring myself to work. The nights grow colder and I miss your warmth. And no matter how many blankets I put on nor how dense i make my nest. I find myself bitten by the cold. I have almost made it a full year without you. I hope you would be proud. But this will be one of the hardest times for me coming up and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. But cruelly or mercifully it will come all the same. There are so many things I see flashing in my mind of better times. But I am also finding my own peace, piece by piece. 





I still wished I had died instead of gone through this, but here we are. Nothing left to do but keep on moving forward. Maybe oneday I will find rest, but today is not that day. So I will do the only thing I can; float on 
Goodnight sweeties,
I miss you
Mouse 🐁

I really do miss you

Just am, moving on. Be the change. Focus not on the outside but the in. We maybe in a time of survival, but we are slowly opening up, like a flower to the cold winds. This is no race, take your time. There is no one waiting for you anymore. We can be a slow as time immerorial. It is only us friend, no one waits for us anymore. Be as slow and small as you desire, so long as you are happy. That is the question, what brings us happiness. From here is a good starting point looking forward. 
Anyway work time.
Love you buns 
Mouse 🐁

I am so tired,

I always talk about my self to you little headstones. I mean granted you all are great listeners, but I also care about you all. I want to make sure that you are okay and comfortable. I always wonder what you are up to down there. Whatever it is, I hope you are happy and peaceful. I wish I could be with you, and I miss you all dearly. But for you all, I still try my best. I may have moments of weakness, but I will try my best. But here I go again talking about me again, you speak in reverse. Your voice is found in the silence and memories i carry. And here I am drowning them out. When will I learn to shut up, maybe one day. But I have little things to do, and I shall talk to you later.
Mouse 🐁

How are you all today?

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