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Universes
Posted Tuesday, June 10, 2025
6d
INTJ
Capricorn
Just some thoughts I've had.
I’m disabled. And not the trendy, self-diagnosed, quirky TikTok kind of disabled. I mean the real kind. The kind that comes from being born to addicts—my parents were heavy into drugs and alcohol before and during pregnancy—and then getting into a severe accident as a kid that left me with a TBI. (When it rains, it pours, right?) I’m not saying this for sympathy points. I just need people to understand—my life has been hard. I’ve had to fight for everything. I can’t work—not because I’m lazy, but because I am literally physically incapable. Most normal, everyday things people do without thinking? They’re painful for me. Everything hurts. My skin hurts. Just having clothes on feels like someone twisting stiff leather across raw nerves. So yeah, something like a hug? That’s a huge step for me. Getting close to someone physically or emotionally isn’t easy. The brain injury makes emotions... complicated. So if I ever feel comfortable enough to let you in, to learn how to read and regulate myself around you—that’s a big deal, friendship or otherwise. And I do have close friends. People who call if I’m even five minutes late because they care. People who help me not because they pity me, but because they value me. I don’t make much money, and they know that. But they also know that if I can give something, I will. I don’t take advantage of anyone. The people who are close to me understand that—and I appreciate those friendships more than I can explain. I inherited the house I live in. I say that openly because I want to be clear: I’d never be able to afford a house otherwise. And this place was trashed. It hadn’t been maintained for longer than I’ve been alive. It even came with unpaid bills I had to pay off before I could legally take it over. So yeah, I inherited it—but I still had to pay off someone else’s debt just to get started. Since then, over the past two years, I’ve been fixing it up—slowly, with the help of friends. Piece by piece. It’s coming together. All that to say—there’s a difference between being disabled and being lazy. Between being fat and not giving a damn. I care about how I look. I dress well. I groom myself. I don’t stink. I have good hygiene. I do all my own laundry, I cook all my own food, and I love to cook. Feeding people makes me happy. I’ve got cookbooks from fantasy settings like Zelda and Bob’s Burgers because watching people smile with a full belly? That’s a joy I live for. Now, I get that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. That’s fine. But I think a lot of people assume that if you’re disabled or overweight, your whole life must be somehow "less." That you’re going to offer a subpar experience as a friend or partner. That’s just not true. Here’s the irony: most of my married friends like to just stay in. I’m the one who wants to go out and do things—pool, darts, axe throwing, laser tag, museums, zoos, all of it. I’m the guy saying, “Hey, let’s go do something.” I mean, yeah, I’ve got a social battery like anyone else, and once that’s drained, I want to chill at home, write, game, whatever. But don’t let this body fool you—there’s a lot of energy in here. It’s just been misfiled under “ouch.” Just don’t ask me to go hiking. I’m not doing that. Walking long distances is pure agony. Always has been, even back when I was in shape. I used to play football, boxed and kickboxed until my injuries got too bad. I miss that—but I still like stuff that doesn’t require constant movement. Bowling? Yes. Laser tag? Still fun—I’m just slower now. And look, between both of my ankles, I’ve broken them seven times. Both growth plates too. Doctors told me I should’ve been around 6'4", but because I broke my ankles young, I basically stopped growing from the knees down. My upper half doesn’t match my lower half. I have kind of a weird gait—most people don’t notice, but I think it’s funny. I don't care. It’s me. What I don’t get is why it seems to bother other people so much. Here’s another thing I don’t really understand. Guys give me a chance. Animals like me. Kids love me. But women? It’s like I don’t even exist. And again—I don’t believe anyone owes me anything. I’m not entitled to anyone’s time or affection. If the whole world hated me, I wouldn’t whine about it. But I do wish I understood it. Because I believe you’re supposed to fall in love with your best friend. If we can’t laugh together, joke with each other, mess around and have serious conversations—then what’s the point? Like, my buddy Kyle and I have this whole Cartman-from-South-Park thing. I’ll randomly call him just to say, “F*** you, Kyle!” in the voice. When we see each other at D&D, we flip each other off and talk trash, then send each other memes or plan to go to the movies or out to eat. It’s dumb, it’s hilarious, and it’s genuine. I have that with a lot of my friends. We make fun of each other, and we hype each other up. Give gifts. Share wins. Treat each other like family—because that’s what real chosen family is. I can’t imagine settling for less than that in a relationship. I want a wife who’s also my best friend. Someone I can tease, who teases me back, but also says “I love you” like she means it. Someone who’ll laugh with me over stupid stuff, give me a thoughtful gift one day, and a mug shaped like a middle finger the next. Both mean something. Both say: I see you. I like you. You matter. Maybe I’m wrong. But I was always taught that love is supposed to be deep. That it’s not about making yourself happy—it’s about putting someone else first. And yeah, that’s shaped by my faith. I believe that if you don’t have love, you don’t really know God. And in that order of importance? It’s God, spouse, kids, friends, and then everything else. So for me, if someone says “I don’t need a man”? Cool. But if you don’t want to need me, then why would you want to be with me? I want to need someone. And be needed. Not because I’m incomplete—but because I believe love is meant to be selfless. It’s not “you do you, I do me, and we do that together.” It’s we do each other’s happiness. That’s the goal. I married you for you, you married me for me. We make each other better. Anyway… I came on here to talk about disability and persistence… and somehow spiraled into love and philosophy... If you read all this—props. Comment, don’t comment, whatever. I just needed to get it out of my head and leave it somewhere.
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