Living Without Love

Question

Dear Mr. Carter,

I wrote you, but you still ain't calling.

Did I do something wrong?

Just teasing.

I'm well aware of the extent of my crimes...

Today I found myself googling, "How to live without love."

I was not successful in finding a realistic plan of action. The articles assume you're addressing romance and include a number of options for platonic relationships and self-love.

No, I mean quite literally. I need to find a way to manage the pain of living completely without any form of affection or intimacy - either from others or myself. Love is no longer available and I'm tired of pretending. I don't know why lacking love is so particularly painful for me. Every day I experience chest pains which burn and radiate throughout my ribcage. Sometimes it's so intense I become light-headed.

Darling, if you wanted love, you should have become loveable.

I am ashamed to admit I am afraid of pain despite it's familiarity. I don't know why I can't embrace pain or even get used to it. I've just never managed to accomplish this. Above all things, I fear pain, but it is my constant and the only certainty of the future.

I am in bed again this weekend as I am every weekend. If I can avoid getting out of bed, I do. I only work, do chores, and maintain minimalist social obligations. Otherwise I'm in bed with very little will or desire to leave. I'm not even a shadow anymore of who I was. Absolutely no part of her survived. She is dead and I am what was birthed from her shame - a slithering disappointment whose only saving grace is that she saves lives on a regular basis... If I die, who's gonna save the first responders? And then who's gonna save anyone? Life is weird like that. It's ironic how important I am despite the fact that I'm completely empty.

I have a morbid curiosity to see what will happen to me. I am not very optimistic. I fully expect to succumb to the elements when I am put out when I can no longer care for myself... But something in me does wonder... Could there be more for me? Could I be happy? Could someone love me? Could I live happily ever after?

It's such a strange element of my personality - this curiosity. I don't know from where or why it blooms. I have absolutely no reason to believe things will change... But I guess I can't help but wish they would... I can't stop being a dumb and dreamy human, desperate for hope even when there is none.

I often ask myself what I want, what I need, what will make me fulfilled. This is the mistake. I'm asking a corpse what they want to do to live? I cannot reanimate this dead flesh. I cannot resurrect a spirit which has moved on. I can only manage the smell...

Anyway, enough tomfoolery. Lol, gotta go make brownies for my regularly scheduled social obligation.

Smile and wave boys, smile and wave.

Shawn · Accepted Answer

Kinda choked up not gonna lie
 I hope you can find some sort of peace or raise up the ego back from life that is so hurt it's gone into protection mode to avoid any chance of repeating. Not sure how that helps tho sorry just my 2 cents worth

Peace ☮️ · Answer

Why are you feeling that way?

Loneliness itself isn’t likely to be triggering enough for that much emotion with no context.

Living Without Love

Conspiracytheories Community

Kinda choked up not gonna lie I hope you can find some sort of peace or raise up the ego back from life that is so hurt it's gone into protection mode to avoid any chance of repeating. Not sure how that helps tho sorry just my 2 cents worth

Why are you feeling that way? Loneliness itself isn’t likely to be triggering enough for that much emotion with no context.

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