I don't know how many weak smiles I have left. I'm sure there's a limit, it's a safe bet. They say persevere, smile and you'll be clear. I ain't got a lot left because of the jobs I've had and trying to hide the fact I'm always hanging my head. I've felt the pressure of a high traffic rush, I have memorized that level of pressure, some would say it's too much, when arguably, allegedly not enough. Despite being called "amazing" or a "professional" I have this side of me that would likely start a fire in a confessional. Not that I would go out of my way to set fire to the place, but that my heated words might overexert my emotions, leaving them with a faithless notion that I am just not okay. That aside, again with the smiles that reside in my reservoir, a "pocket full of smiles" is a better set of words. But it doesn't seem to let me learn. When do I push, when do I cry, is it okay for a man to cry? Is it okay for a man to be pushed past his limit and spit on for more? Or is that just silly, childish and abhorred. I can hear the voices outside talking about how little I try to hide the ever so clear effect on my life from taking away my time to put into a grind that leaves me jaded, cynical and dead inside. And I know they're right, "normal people aren't like that, why are you so depressed? What could you possibly have wrong that I don't, what could you possibly say that I won't? I'm doing fine, so you must be too, it's hard on all of us alright!" "We all have struggles, some big and some small, but that doesn't mean we can't be troubled at all." "But what you're saying is you're trapped and you're not, that you're a rat who is running from the red hot coals of having a good time or letting yourself rot." "I've expressed every way why I HAVE to put a smile on everyday, it's reasons like this that make me stay far away from telling ANYONE what I really want to say. You tell me we're in the same boat but we're not, unless you consider our collective worth to be that of a yacht. Where I'm in the lower decks and you're at the top, the waters getting deep down here so could you stop?" I don't know how many smiles I have left, and it's probably for the best that I don't smile anymore, I don't like to lie, and I won't lie anymore.

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16h

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