Laura

Posted Wednesday, March 27, 2024

1mo

ENFP

Aquarius

9

8

My job 😌

I have been a qualified parent for 17 years. I work 168 hours each week. I have a degree in patience and an NVQ in Disney shows. I work from home with zero access to transport. My duties and responsibilities include but are not limited to; Basic engineering to be able to build flat-pack furniture with nothing but an anvil key and a complicated set of instructions. High level of irritation tolerance for Pepper pig and other programmes. Hostage and negotiation skills to deal with children and small twins (similar to hostage and negotiation skills required from the SAS) Cleaning up poo, snot and vomit. Mind reading abilities (During the toddler years, I needed to understand that just because the toddler asked for a cheese sandwich, doesn't mean they actually wanted a cheese sandwich). The ability to do almost anything one-handed, while holding a baby in your arms. Mediating arguments over who gets the best-coloured cup. Overseeing the daily feast (Which can often involve food being rubbed into their hair). An MA in folding fitted sheets and a Higher National Diploma in ‘how to collapse a buggy with one foot, no hands, in three seconds because the bus is coming! Advanced experience in multi-tasking with twins. This career is very much a life long investment, and my non-financial rewards include warm fuzzy feelings and pride so overwhelming that my heart could burst. Unfortunately, there is no annual holiday allowance. There is, in theory, one day marked down in the company calendar as holiday leave (Mother’s Day) but I expect to spend this day eating cold toast in bed while listening to my offspring screaming because I cut their toast into triangles, not squares. Also, there is absolutely no allowance for stay at home mums to have sick leave. If I fall ill then I must still turn up to work and get through the working day as usual. I can, however, access emergency privileges and put on more than the normal daily allowance of Disney.