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I have always been terrified by insects. But yesterday the giant cockroach I saw looked so unusually radiant that I was more impressed than scared, to my utter surprise. After yelling for help when texting a friend in terror right after the encounter before I got the chance to realize the beauty of the insect that I had never been able to appreciate since I had only encountered them when there wasn't sufficient lighting, I calmed down a bit and recalled its appearance in awe and sent my friend, who also knew about my phobia, the following message, which I expected to impress or shock him excitingly: It was a very handsome cockroach because it was large in size with a healthy clean medium brown body that kind of shined with a golden glow in the bright light in the toilet. It had very long, smooth and gracefully curled out-stretched antennae which were moving actively up and down, bringing out with no doubt, the energetic liveliness of this creature. It stood there in a gracefully extended posture looking at me, also surprised, with me staring at it in surprise for two silent seconds before I finally let out a loud scream while it turned around and ran for a hideout and I fled to call for help immediately with shaking hands. But when I recalled his look, calming down, while waiting for my helper to arrive, since it left me with such an impressively and healthily handsome impression of its appearance that I actually felt much less fear than I normally would for a cockroach. Now i even sort of grieve for its death (after it now has been killed by my helper). I waited in excitement for my friend's reply to this exciting message. I waited for him to celebrate together this sudden, shocking and surprising realization birthed in this rather unusual encounter with that creature. I waited and waited yet only to see his rather indifferent reply with but just one short comment on my long expressive and emotional message: handsome cockroach is a brand new word. And that's all. I felt he read the message without being impressed much and commented in slight disagreement of the adjectives I used to describe a cockroach. I felt such a hit of disappointment, and most importantly disconnection. This person that I've been texting with, who I've always thought to be very compassionate, seemed to be a completely different person at that moment. Yet I held it back, sort of repressed my feelings and continued to chat like nothing happened. But then it happened again during some other exchanges of messages about a different topic. This time tho we kind of upset each other. But I felt too tired to explain myself further after once again very short and even a bit irrelevant replies to my long and expressive messages with depth and flow. I felt my flow cut short by his replies once again. I felt my words not truly seen or understood. I felt drained emotionally and didn't feel like using any more energy to explain myself further to remove the misunderstanding. So I just expressed my disappointment with a similar manner of using just a short and indifferent word. I said "cool". I thought he'd be upset by it for sure. And he was. Never replied me again after that. I don't know if he ever will if I don't say something first. I don't know what to do with him anymore. I know I'm not supposed to have expectations in relationships and that's the only cause of me ever getting disappointed. But I couldn't help but start to, or continue to long for a relationship where my authentic feelings are not only seen but also felt and reflected back to me just as bright as if in acknowledgement of them. I want to have the experience of my most true and authentic feelings being held close, felt, and celebrated with deep acknowledgement. I don't know how to get there. I don't ever want to be disappointed or feel a disconnection again. I don't ever want to so tiredly keep explaining myself. I don't know how to stop having expectations. I don't know what to do with my longing for what I have been striving to find but never succeeded. If it is supposed to be here it should have been, but if it's not supposed to be here all this time then why have I been longing for it all this time? #spirituality (edited)




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