Why Do People Do This?

So there's been a lot of online discourse between terminally online men and broke-and-boujie women who are also terminally online, about where not to take women on a first date. Of course, these are restaurants. They're both wrong. Here's the thing: dinner for first dates is a stupid idea. Do you know how hard it is to hold meaningful conversation with a new person? You do? Great. Now try and do that with a face full of Mozzarella sticks. You're sitting across the table from a stranger. Hopefully, they're attractive. You don't know this yet, because looks are only skin deep, and they too, have a mouth full of Mozzarella sticks. So there you are, two cute-but-not-right-now-because-I'm-eating-cheese people, trying to pontificate and masticate simultaneously, a herculean task if I've ever seen one. The conversation is...fine. You exchange pleasantries. You know, the usual: "what do you do for work?," "what's your favorite hobby?," "when's the last time you woke up in a tub of ice? 'Cause boy, do I have a story for you." Things we've all repeated many, many times over, none more interesting than the last. You're running out of topics. They're running low on responses. The check comes. You do an awkward song and dance. The guy pays. You leave. Maybe hold a hand. You take in some sights. A kiss attempt is made, but by now your teeth are yellow and your breath smells of garlic and processed cheese sticks. It's weird, because of course it is. You tell each other you had a great night, before your date slinks away, only to tell you the chemistry wasn't there the next night. You get home thinking, "wait, they didn't even say thank you for the food. Rude." You swear off dinner dates for new people. You haven't had a date in months. You are me. This is why I quit Tinder.