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Universes
Posted Tuesday, October 18, 2022
2y
ISTP
Cancer
6 Awards
Breaking the dating cycle and a hard truth.
Dating should be fun right? But in reality, it can be depressing. But why? I did some research because I wanted to know why every time I created a dating profile, my mental health would deteriorate. I was actually taken aback. The endless swiping, the endless stream of photos and profiles all feel like drops of rain. Yet behind each person is a life, a human of emotions and experiences, yet we dismiss it so quickly largely based on images. Even when we meet in person, we can be insensitive because of the conditioning of addictive dating apps. This dismissive culture leads to insensitive behaviours like ghosting, even after an irl date. We develop thick skins because of it and... well... do we truly feel human after all? So how do you break the cycle? Turns out... sometimes we need to seriously look at ourselves in the mirror. What do we actually want? Marriage? Or the social status of not being single? Do we truly want a long lasting relationship, or just the adrenaline and lust of something new and exciting? It's hard hitting, yet the best advice I got? Be single. Stay single for at least a year. Then when you're single, be TRULY single. Take the time to learn who you are before you learn about someone else. Then when you come back, date with a purpose. Don't date anyone. Date who you genuinely think you're compatible with. And I'm not posting this from some top step like I'm better than everyone else. I'm not. But now I know I'm not, and I'm doing something about it. So why am I posting this here? I want to make people think. I want to make people realise who they are, or what they are not. Knowing who you really are is a good starting point for where you want to be. I expect backlash, but if it makes one person think about who they are, then I feel like I've done something. Thought-provoking. Jay
294
108
Comment
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Sabrina
2y
INFP
I do agree with you. I might add that because of online dating one gets so much more potential partners to actually choose from, which will distort our perception. It might give the impression, that there are always "better options" aka more right away compatible partners out there, who would make starting to date way easier. Therefore one would find themselves at some point mindlessly scrolling/swiping to try and either get that right of the bat perfect partner or get with a lot of people for several reasons.
22
5
Reply
Olivia
2y
INFJ
Pisces
It is really thought provoking and the question requires a lot of introspection. For me, I think the most important thing is to try to know yourself, what you want and what you want from a partner. I think until a person knows this then they'll always be looking for something perfect and unrealistic. Tis a difficult journey to be on.
10
3
Reply
Helen D'Souza
2y
INTJ
Virgo
Would like to add one point in your info, When you're single for a year you should also note down what kind of partner would you really want the characteristics and what are the qualities you're ready to compromise what fundamental beliefs do you want to match what differences are you ok to have etc etc. That helps you to find the match and also attract that kind while you're just being single and enjoying your time. Also love is something you feel in your heart so it's also good to be prepared mentally and emotionally to deal with the other person way of loving might not be same also need to keep in check priorities in life match. (edited)
6
2
Reply
Tama
2y
INFP
Gemini
I couldn't agree with you more. I've been single for a long time. I haven't been looking for relationships for years and just let things go with the flow. The times that I spent single was quite eye opening, cause I get to know and develop myself more as a person. By getting to know myself more, I now know what I want in a partner by being aware of what I'm good at, what I can offer, what I can bring to the relationship, and also what I lack of, what I need some time to learn more, what I would not tolerate at all, etc. People say that I'll know what kind of person I'm looking for, for "the one", when I get involved in several relationships, but I don't think that's entirely true. I can learn through vicarious experience too. I've been returning to the dating pool for quite some time and it is still hard, people are so fast to pass on you for the littlest mistakes, but I'm sure it's gonna be all worth it at the end
5
2
Reply
SurrealMartin
2y
INTJ
Leo
Here's how I break the cycle: I have created a system. Only the ones who persevere and show positive traits even after a while of getting to know me get the chance to date me or become my best friends. It goes something like this: 1. Profile evaluation 2. Acceptance if I believe they'd be a good match or a good friend 3. Texting for a few days/weeks. Sometimes inconsistently, because I tend to be busy with uni & like my alone time for hobbies. The person will only get a bigger chunk of time when they truly earn it 4. Videochatting 5. Meeting up And that's how you weed out impatient, selfish, overly critical and negative nancy-types of people. If they can text with little to no errors in English, return my interest with thought-provoking questions or topics, one at a time and videochat, that's a good sign of the kind of intelligence that turns me on. Cookie points if they like talking about abstract topics and inspire me to get things done with their humor! (edited)
5
4
Reply
Garrett
2y
ENFJ
Gemini
I have always been of the opinion that a "soul mate" isn't some nebulous person decided by fate. It is someone you have at least a decent amount of compatibility with personality wise and the wherewithal in both of you to work towards your goals together, both individual and couple goals. I don't think there is such a thing as "the one". You and someone else find each other and make the choice to commit and work on life together. Too many people seem to wait for love to happen to them. Love is a verb; it is something you do and live. (edited)
4
1
Reply
Katt
2y
INFJ
Capricorn
This is very thought-provoking. Overusing apps for dating often leads to us undermining the true purpose of dating because ‘options’ just come along so “easily”. Plus, true love almost always start from friendship. It’s hard for pure friendships to blossom when dating is all we have in mind.
3
1
Reply
Selina Li
2y
ENFP
Taurus
I'm in this thought process at the moment. Also came to this conclusion after unsuccessful/traumatic relationships/friendships. Even though im in a situationship right now lol, this perspective has definitely made me slow down again to think about how I'm not who I used to be and rethink what I want in life/what matters again. Regain the patience I used to have, thoughtful and mindfulness I've gone astray from. (edited)
3
1
Reply
Donovan
2y
ESTJ
Taurus
Meeting people online was so much better before the advent of dating apps. A time when the only way to know someone online was to chat with them, sometimes at random... Just like one might do in real life. Now it's all statistics and match typing and rating. We've gone from "Hmm, who's this? Could be interesting" to "Oh I won't talk to them because (insert shallow reason here)". A lot of potential connections are lost due to fear, doubt and suspicion, and given the nature of the current online community as a whole, i can't say I blame people for it: Fake is the new reality. Mistrust is easily cultivated.
3
0
Reply
George
2y
ISTJ
Leo
It be rough out there mang.
1
2
Reply
GamerMom
2y
INFP
Pisces
Absolute truth
2
0
Reply
Kwan Mah
2y
ENFJ
Pisces
Yes its true that u have lower chance statistically if ur meeting a significant other because with dating apps ur less tolerant and open season to be quite petty..in which there is no need for introspection or personal improvement.. which are important traits for all relationship development...just slide to the next beat lol its mapped out to how are brains work naturally... (edited)
2
0
Reply
Stngxd
2y
ISTP
Virgo
Meeting people online versus meeting people in person has different effect. You do not actually know the person you're talking to online. Sure you see the pictures but it's hard to get that energy that makes you want to talk only to them. You might find yourself talking to multiple girls and you don't have interest in any of them as much as you wanted to. Finding the one where you wanna spend time with even online, talk to everyday, get excited about the msgs it's really hard. It's not appearance based. People on dating apps reply on their appearance to actually talk to someone and it's understandable because expressing yourself online is way harder than with people in person. It's horrible and sometimes even if you find the one you wanna have for yourself the time is not right and might never be right no matter how much you imagine yourself with them and how good it would be simply the time is not right and might never be right. If you push it too soon or too late you might break it. You might think you're ready and she's ready but one small mistake and it can all be over. Just messed it up my self actually so I understand really well now what others told me
1
1
Reply
Ricco
2y
INFJ
Aries
I date to marry , however a lot of girls don't. A girl from my college asked me out and all I asked her was if she wants to date me to marry me or just for fun. She couldn't answer it than I walked away. Society as a whole changes so much and if you don't keep up with it you'll end up getting hurt. Sad world we live in
1
1
Reply
Ali
2y
INFP
Cancer
Damn, fellow Cancer. It ain't that bad. I feel ya mate, but things can be alot easier if things aren't taken so seriously.
1
0
Reply
Jared
1y
INTP
Cancer
"be single" is Little harsh. Many people need existence of second person in their life. Thats true, that nowadays dating is hella complicated. I have no idea how our parents (people 50+) date in their youth. Of course economic status was completly diffirent... In Europe, uk it wasnt a problem to feed family while one person worked. Now I (and probably plenty of other avarege guys) cant imagine to keep their family safe from one payment. This is where "Beeing single" comes all in white. Single guys enjoying their life at fullest (it doesn't matter if they are still in the parents house). If they want to build new model of lego - go for it. If they want to visit Bangkok - why not. They can do it from one payment once per year. Beeing with someone bring risk thst you will hear "why you not taking me anywhere" "why we are not flying anywhere" "emily boyfriend buying her diamond". Unfortunatelly woman expectations become irreal and plenty of people around 30 don't give a damn about spending their precious resources -(time, patience, money) for looking for diamond in sea of Glass. Most important thing is "you can be happy with someone only if you are happy all by yourself". (edited)
1
0
Reply
Dalton
1y
ISFJ
Cancer
I’ve been trying to help a few people on here with exactly what you just said here! If you aren’t happy with yourself, and don’t know your self worth, then nobody else can or will either. It’s comparable to a car salesman trying to sell you a car that he knows nothing about. Of course you won’t buy it! It does amaze me though, after returning to these apps after many years, how different it is now. The vast majority of people are looking for “nothing serious”. I mean - at least they put it out there, but it seems to me like the whole mentality of these sites / apps has changed, and are only a few steps above things that I would never consider, like tinder. There have been so many “one nights only” messages and profiles - it’s amazing to me. Things have definitely changed in the past few years. Overall though, your advice and thoughts here are pretty much dead on. There are also a lot of good points in the comments. In the end of the day though, the only way dating can work for anyone is if they know what they want and what they are from the start.
1
0
Reply
Alyssa
2y
INFJ
Virgo
1
0
Reply
Alana
8mo
ISTJ
Libra
For me, I already know what I want in a career and a man. It's just attaining those things that make it hard. I've been single for a long time, and I agree that each person is a human behind a wall of pictures. I find that dating is just a competitive game now. The goal is to be the most exciting looking (bio has pictures of u in another country or partying at a club), the most loyal (insert picture of u and ur mom or a baby in the bio), and the most profitable (states how u own a fortune 500 company and make 50k a week). 🙄. Everyone wants the ideal, not the realistic. Half the people out there just want attention or are bored. I'm not one to settle for just anything, but I'm not super picky either. I think dating is just dead. Forget coming back and dating w intentions. I wanna give up altogether.
0
0
Reply
Gracia
5mo
ISFJ
Pisces
Well said
0
0
Reply
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