Becca

Posted Wednesday, May 15, 2024

19d

INFP

Scorpio

9

1

What's Waiting Under the Bed

Dear Mr. Carter, I wish you would call today... I've gone out of town because my grandmother is not well. I go see her in the mornings and then work from home through the evenings. I couldn't figure out why I'm so tired and I felt guilty because I wanted to stay home and sleep rather than go see my grandma... I couldn't figure out why it felt so lousy to go be with her... Because it's hard to watch someone die, dummy! It's NORMAL to be upset while someone is literally dying in front of you, especially when you are CLOSE to this person. I do not understand your mind. It would be more concerning if you weren't upset. It doesn't matter if it doesn't feel good to go, it just matters that you show up! I'm beginning to uncover more layers of sickness in my mind. Like finding mold in every nook and cranny of your new house. I scrub and treat, and just when I think I'm done, I uncover a brand new patch. I neglect myself because I was neglected... I had to have a hard conversation with my mother. I finally spoke about the abuse I endured. It went about as well as you can even imagine. The problem is, I have a history of pathological lying and she doesn't have a very good memory. I struggled... Still struggle... Pretty hard with lying. It's hard for me to understand that it's okay to tell the truth because the truth was either not okay to tell or entirely dismissed and... Things haven't particularly changed. Not to mention, I suffered from a severe delusional disorder as a child and most of my time was spent feeding my delusions so I had to make up a life to cover up what I was really living... I have worked really hard to become a new person and change my tendencies, but for the most part, I don't feel my efforts have any weight. I have certainly not benefitted from my accomplishments. People ask me if I feel better because of what I have accomplished. I do not. Maybe I am ungrateful. Maybe I am a spoiled child. I don't know. But nothing seems to hold any worth to me, particularly what I have done. Why am I to celebrate? I allowed myself to become sick in the first place. I guess I can't forgive my mistakes because of what I was unable to accomplish. Watching my grandmother die in this manner is a rather bleak reflection of my mistakes. Perhaps this is why I am so upset... Perhaps this is why being with her is so hard... She asks me why she's in so much pain. How do I tell her she's dying? I realized the other night that I have nothing to look forward to. That only more of this is in my future and it will be even worse. So many people have died recently and I still have so many to lose. And there is nothing in my future to balance the loss. I have no career path, no relationship, no children, and my money goes to those I care for... I am too frightened and damaged to create anything for myself. Oof. It does not feel good to admit this... Things seem to grow darker by the day and I am scared that I will not endure. I am always afraid. But I will still go. I will go until I cannot go anymore. This is all I have left to offer. Presence.