Marvin

Posted Friday, February 24, 2023

1y

INTJ

Scorpio

7

8

Most people take their lives for granted, not appreciating what they have that I'll never get to experience.

Sometimes I get really pissed off at how unfair life is. I mean, I get we can't all get what we want. But I LOATHE how society is set up to where you're just denied certain things based on the circumstances of your birth. Like, I'll never be able to fix or correct my height and there's almost nothing I can do about that (Leg-lengthening surgery is the only option, but I might be too un-short to qualify for that; plus I don't have $200,000 lying around.) There's nothing I can do to change my ethnicity or have the face I wanted, or anything like that. Life isn't a custom character creator from a video game. Because of this, I can somewhat relate to those with gender dysphoria. However, unlike many of them, I'm not trying to force them to lie to me and speak objective fiction in pretending I'm six-foot-five when I'm not. But beyond childish entitlement and delusions of grandeur from some, yes, I can relate to some people who have gender dysphoria, even though my issue isn't being the wrong gender; it's being the wrong everything else. I didn't have a loving family growing up. I was literally never loved. I here grew up with an abusive sh"*tty mother who I have never felt any positive emotions or care towards and on top of all of that, was dirt poor, dealt with crime around me, and worse of all, wasn't even given the genetic means to make my own family in the future. It annoys me to no end. To not be in control of my own life and existence. And now, as an adult, I'm supposed to pretend like this all of a sudden isn't the case and like this wasn't the case all along. Some people are given everything and really can control their own fate. I was never one of those people. And I get pissed off when people try to pretend we have more control over our lives than we really do. Some may, but 95% of people don't. They're merely circumstances of their birth. I am not one of those woke idiots that tries to pretend that everyone is racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. But at the same time, I'm not going to pretend people aren't judgmental and xenophobic, either. People tend to either stick to their own tribes or seek acceptance in an elite inner circle of those deemed their "betters." Few people are truly "accepting of others." Most just want to be around those just like them. And that's never been me. Because I've almost never been accepted before by almost anyone. I've never had my own "tribe" of people to hang around; certainly not in the sh*thole city I grew up in, Philly. So I've never defined myself by ethnicity, nationality, neighborhood, language, etc. Because I've been an outsider my entire life. I barely even consider myself human and the only reason I do is because I have such unforgivable human flaws, defects, and weaknesses like loneliness, lust, longing, empathy, fear, etc. I wish I wasn't burdened with such weaknesses. All of this is to say, that while I've never been accepted by any group of people before, as an outsider looking in, I understand the only thing that truly matters amongst this flawed species of backwoods idiots known as humanity on this planet, is the company you keep. Family, friends, loved ones, pets, etc. Most modern humans take these people for granted. And yet, it's the only thing that truly matters. As someone who'd be equal in life living on the moon in solitude, I can seem to appreciate this fact amongst humanity greater than most. Due to circumstances of my creation, I'll never be accepted as I am. I am a genetic mistake, even if a common one. People don't exist who only see "inner beauty" unless they're blind. No; the non-blind are judgmental, yet also blind to what really matters. So I'm a starving man looking through the window at an obese family complain about their Big Macs having too much pickles in them. Or better yet, an alien stranded on a planet of braindead monkeys who believe themselves to be geniuses and humanitarians. That's my existence in society. Those who DO have loving family, friends, partners, or even the ability to potentially be loved by others, shouldn't take these people for granted. Because just like you, they won't be around forever. You've only got about 700,000 hours of life in this world. Then, you or them, are all gone. Not me, though. Knowing my bad luck, I'd bet you money I'm immortal. Wouldn't change anything, though. (edited)