Universes

Mousethoughts

mousethoughts

With the holidays coming, things look a little bluer.
But that is alright, that just gives me the ability to hope for a better one next times.
Mouse 🐁

The otherside of the glass

Well son, allow me to try and convey my definition between standards and preferences. Being a short man myself I see that it can often be a deal breaker for some people. But I try and hold no bitterness, just the way things are. My annoyance stems from the misuse of the terms standard. When you say you have a standard of tall people to enter a relationship in, whilst not technically wrong I believe the term preferences would suit the sentence a little bit betterer. Standards in my mind refers to one's choices, a grooming standard, a social habits standard, a way a person chooses to conduct themselves. So some one who doesn't cheat, someone who is honest, perhaps open. These are standards. Now immutable characteristics are preferences, eye colour, skin tone, body size and composition (to the extent of how much and where certain factors lie) hair density. These are things one prefers, like right now being tall is very much prefered, I mean it always was, just a little more vocally now. And preferences and standards alike can be deal breakers, I just want to reflect the difference between things that can be willing chosen and things that can't. You can choose to try to be more tidy, you will have a harder time gaining genetic traits. I mean there are ways but now we are getting into grey and it is far too late for that,
Goodnight, sleep tight
Mouse 🐁

Preference vs standard

If I was solely blowing this out of proportion that would be one thing, But the issue as always is communication. So yes i may be a drama queen, but I don't like to be yelled at. It just reminds me how few if any places I have left for me to do and be as I please. To be honest I can't really think for one, other than in my mind. Most are trying to help, but others just don't care. I wish I could run away but I still have tethers to this place. So here I am forced to stay for the foreseeable future. Boy, do I ever feel like the mouse from will woods "tomcat disposables". I think it is actually a rat, but I will take some artistic liberty. So I will just be small in the corner and try not to get into anymore trouble. Then I shall scurry home and try not to get into anymore trouble there too. 
On a brighter note, I had a pleasant dream, were a person from my past, not my ex. But most likely a misremembering, but someone who possibly liked me for me. It was a small comfort but those are what I have to hold onto the hardest as of late. 
Back to work you,
Yes sir 
Mouse 🐁

The problem is that I am kinda right

Necklaces are nice, and some classy. That is right I said some. But a simple small ribbon or band around then neck does wonders to accentuate the necks form. I think they look good on longer hair styles, but can be used well in any ensemble when balanced right. I would say personally contrasting colours of skin tone work best, so darker blues and black for lighter skin and yellows and oranges, and if you are feeling particularly adventurous perhaps a nice jewel tone green (I say nonchalantly) for more darker skined individuals. And they can match the blackest of black tie and most anarchist of punks. And I guess it is all about where you want to draw attention. To your chest then yes a dangly necklace but I find the neck often overlooked. Where as a choker is solely for the neck, and I find brings my attention more to the face and shoulders. 
Just my opinion after seeing a cute masc punk with long hair and a choker. I just haven't seen them in a while is all. Then again, I am a terrible barometer for fashion zeitgeists.
Mouse 🐁

Chokers are underrated

Oh dope,

I could go for some softness and comfort today. I haven't had a acid reflux incident since I was only a part of a whole, not the whole in it's self. For a lack of caring and of no shorter terms, I want to be baby right now. I haven't been sick and I have been strong for a whole now. So I would totally be down. But that sadly involves others so I guess my pillows and stuffies will have to do for the foreseeable future.
Mouse 🐁

Good lord

You were someone so near and dear to me. You were not only my partner but also my best friends, how could I not be lonely in your absence. 
Mouse 🐁

Of course I am

What would I give, where will I bend and for who. I thought I knew, but I am not breaking yet. Why am I so stiff, for the small but limber for the big. I wish I could claim anything, but the longer I linger in this mortal coil, the less I know. You always said I was to either or, never enough grey. I am trying, but all i do is seem to fray. I am on my own for the foreseeable future, so it is i who is to take care of me. I wish I could say other wise, but that would be lying. What I would give to say otherwise,
I don't know; what would I give? 
Mouse 🐁

What I would give

Funny how things show up only when you are ready to grasp it. You could walk through your life going past the same scenes at nauseum but only after a horrific storm will you notice the little blue flowers under the bush.
I love the tales from the gas station series to death and often re listen to the audio book. You find little flowers of perspective and knowledge anywhere you care to look and in this audio book that I have worn the grooves on I found one such gem.
It is too parts,
One is where two of the characters are talking about how one was doing better after losing their found family. And it boils down to life will be what it is. And you can only influence it so much. So why not start with what you can, and start with you.
Two, life can be scary especially when what was is coming to an end and something new is quickly approaching. It is easy to reject and persecute, but it can also be wonderful. Caterpillar can only be butterfly's after a metamorphosis. And I am who I am and have grown into who I am in part from what I have experienced. And yes I miss the caterpillar stage of my life with someone who even now I deeply care for. But I am thankful for the experiences I have had, and head off will remorse and wonder for what is a head. I wear both the tragedy and comedy masks. 
But that is enough nonsense from me,
Best wishes
Mouse 🐁

After the ever after

It was quite restful, and I had some fun dreams. It has been a hot minuet since I had a weekend of relaxation. I was able to sleep Saturday and Monday away (bad I know but it genuinely felt restful). I like many people feel bad when we take a day of rest without "good enough reasons" but I let myself enjoy it amd I feel like I was able yo reset my ailments as made up in my head they may be. Sadly mom came home sick from work and I have to take care of her because my father is going on a trip for the rest of week. So responsibility falls to me. Funny, my ex and I had to relied on my mom when we totaled their (my ex's) car visiting from out summer jobs, and now it relies on me. In the end all debts will be paid somehow. 
It is always hard when panic influences what are actual major concerns and trying to digest pertainant information over general fears and worries takes time and due diligence. 
Now I fight sleep, trying to stay awake to finish dishes when my mother is finished eating so that I may go to bed and try to work tomorrow. We will see how she is doing in the morning (rn's orders). In this ripple on the sea of glass that is time I see my future and all the debts I have to repay. Not gonna lie it seems a little scary especially trying to do it all alone. But so is my lot in life and I wish not to unduly make this someone's eles responsibility. 
Have I ever mentioned that bravery is not the lack of fear but rather the willingness to do what must be done despite it. So in that logic those who are fearless can never be brave. Just a little thought.
All of this reminds me of the military idea of take your rest where you can, you never know when you will have the luxury of more.
Speaking of luxury, I think I have discovered something metaphysically about the difference between it and gifts, and that is the relationship between giver and recipients.
If they are one in the same we call that a luxury, if they are two different individuals that is a gift. So that means if you gift a luxury to someone, you give them the capacity to give themselves a gift. A little cyclic but I claim ignorance and you can't stop me.
I could speak on and on about a million other little things but I believe it is time to do the dishes and then wind down for the night, for the days ahead. 
I wish you a restful night
Mouse 🐁

Well it was a nice weekend

Is that I don't have a lot to say. 
Goodnight 
Mouse 🐁

What I have to say

Still have some unpacking to do emotionally says dream brain. But the closest is looking less full than before. So progress is being made and I just need to give myself more time. I will get there someday. 
On another note I would love the opportunity to enter a relationship with an a.v.a. if the opportunity ever presented it's self. But I don't live in California, and never plan to. I am looking for less density not more.
It I'd morning's like these that make me yearn for a warm body to cling to. Maybe oneday... till then I will have to simply do with an extra blanket and some shivering.
Mouse 🐁

Chilly morning

Okay, so hear me out.
Dating can be viewed like grocery shopping where one goes around and picks the produce they like. Some prefer carrots, others lettuce. But with the paradigm shift in that everyone is produce looking for other produce, so imagine a meat market like party but it's the world and it's produce. That is how my brain sees it. 
Well if that is the world then I am a little mouse who has made a home in some hole in the wall. I come out to nibble on seeds and grains but the produce will most likely ignore me, or actively avoid me. That is how it was and how it likely will be till the end of my time. Now there is the occasional weirdo that likes rodents but this is so past exception that it is anomalous. And that is okay, why sadden myself trying to fit in a world who never really cared for me anyway. I will simply be my mousie self and try and live a fulfilling life for as long as I can. For in the end that is all I can do. I mean sure I could change so many things in my life, but for what? Love built on lies is love for a false idea. And I would rather have one person love me (that being me) than nobody loving the real me (not me and the false impression of me) but that is enough back squeaking from me. I have an early morning tomorrow and hopefully a better time at archery.
Goodnight
Mouse 🐁

I should embrace my rodent ark

I am having quite a problem putting this thought in to words that make the message as bitterless as possible. 
So perhaps I will try and describe it in reverse. Describe what I can without touching it. Here goes nothing.
Where is the problem? What am I missing, where are the cues. I don't know. In this regard I am blind or crazy for either I am missing entire segments of social reality or I imagined them from the beginning. I don't understand what give people the bravery/gall to say and do things that I find myself thinking intrusively. 
I have a mental condition and try my best to suppress the mere thoughts and imagines that burst into my head like my father into my room. For me that means eliminating stress and worry from my life and in this I am failing. To conform to society, I must stress myself, like a sapling growing taller rather than wide, no problem for a tree who in it's nature to accomplish this but for a low shrub is much more the challenge and shows as a desperate attempt to survive. In here is where I seek to find balance. 
Now I will not lie that I put myself down out of force of habit, but see it isn't purely out of self pity. As I have mentioned before, I am serving my sentence. For I have committed wrongs against those I cared for and leads me to believe that I am like a toxin, or rather the way i love is. But that is like asking a eucalyptus to make it's leaves less inedible. So I must find a koala, one who can handle this unfortunate nature of mine. But being this way I have learned that my affection brings seemingly nothing but discomfort and pain, to both me and the eye of my infection. And worse of all I am a thief, taking what is not mine to have. 
So my sentence is that of typhoid Mary, isolation from my kind till I can no longer hurt anyone anymore. 
It feels what I imagine what a werewolf feels, you mean no harm but it just leeches out of you. Like trying to block the breeze with nothing but a cheese cloth. I try and I fail, so I try harder till I run myself down and then when my will is expended, and I am unable to stop it. That is When it strikes.
I have grown strong and can keep it at bay for longer but I am only human, and I will eventually grow tired. All of this self pity aside, I see how much effort I have put into the care and comfort of others and I see others brashly saying and doing these things that send the chill of death down my spine. Unabashedly, and if get ridiculed and shamed (as it deserves), and I suppose that is the point of public shaming. To scare little mice like me into straighting up and flying right. So I guess my point is that I too stumble on this bar, at least I have an excuse of my these horrors jump in my head, and I try my best to get them out. 
But ignore me, i'm just writing to the night breeze thinking of my place and how I put myself where I am. 
You should skip this one,
Goodnight 
Mouse 🐁

The bar is this low and I still fail to pass

To have 
To hold
To see
To grow old with
To talk to
To laugh together with
To talk about
To send silly cat memes to
To spend for
To save with
To comfort 
To cuddle
To whisper and not say anything at all to
To enjoy
To dream about
To distract
To smell
To hear
To tease and torture (lovingly) 
To nibble on
To kiss 
To say goodbye to
To wait for 
To cherish
To miss
To share with
I hope I am lucky enough to meet and fall in love with
To be loved by
You

-mouse 🐁

I am running a non zero chance of a lawsuit from mitski for copy right infringement.
But after my little tantrums I have come to a realization, love is a privilege not a right. You hear about how everyone has someone out there, and statistically probable. But it is my greed and impatience that lead me to a unhappy state of being. I assume it is not unlike losing a part of oneself. Both traumatic and how one copes is incredibly personal. In my case, I dislike being left "unwhole", but now i need to learm to be whole by myself. I had the privilege to being in love and believing I had a healthy relationship for almost a decade. I got used to certain things, but those are gone. And like a child forced to grow up and realize all the work it takes to live in the world, it was and is a shock to my system. And the phantom pains of my previous cushy life that flash before my eyes are likely a part of that shock. I hope I am lucky enough to be in love one day again, but I do not expect it. For it is in the expectation where the weeds of envy and greed grow. Like a wildflower blooming in a lawn, it really is up to the cosmic dance we all play if i were to get so lucky. We are just ribbons of light dancing in the tea of spacetime and what will be will be.
Now if you excuse me, I will be tending to myself.
Text you soon I am sure 
Mouse 🐁

I should cool it with the angst

It has been an interesting week. To find time to digest food let alone ideas and emotions has been a luxury before, these days it seems more a legend or fairytale than actual reality.
Emotions don't really make money, and unless little green squares are involved we have lost one of the absolute lowest common denominators. Thus we have moved from something that everyone can relate to and need to find a different topic. Maybe that is why I find relating to other people so odd and difficult. But I am not espousing anything, just merely doing what i always do... over think. 
I will stop here for now 
Back to work 

And my day is done. Pardon me if I don't answer your question. My brain has called it a day and it don't want to think no more. 
I believe that one of the reasons I have been feeling this lack of capacity recently is that I have very little time or space to myself. My parents (bless their souls) have been a little hawkish, mostly my mother. I suspect that there is some residual guilt from... (well not ignoring because I was hiding it and i didn't even know) their ignorance of my mental health issues. Which I mean is fair, imagine an addict living with you again. You would keep a closer eye on them. Basically I had some freedom before, but that like my previous relationship is out the window; Lovingly, but out the window none the less.
Not to mention the physical nature of my job, and the stress of construction/custom iron work seasonality and the absolute gong show of the tale of Steven. There has been a lot more steeling than unpacking. To find the time and space to sit and reflect on the beauty around you is really hard when you are a night owl trying to live morning lark world. You have to fight yourself to make it work. I can do this, but only for a temporary amount of time, and also if I only know that there is an end (I mean other than The End)
And I have very few people to talk too, and even less that I can get advice from. But I feel more comfortable here like this for now. This isn't forever, but this is for now. 
Anyway, I am quite tired and this is eatting into my nap time,
I may finish this later
Mouse 🐁

A smoky hazy morning

Sometimes a wave crashes on to me, but instead of salty sea it is memories and longing for what was. It makes me sad, and uncomfortable. Now this is completely normal and I for the most part have no issue with this. Only when I cannot pinpoint the emotion I am feeling. It is like having a splinter, when you feel it but can't see it, that is when it drives me mad. As for the grief, so long as I know why I feel this, then I can continue less burdened. You dig out the splinter as carefully as one can, and for my sadness and longing, well I grieve. Yeah I miss what I had, but I decided to no chase it, to not harm that bunny anymore than I already have. No instead I allow my emotions to be, and like that wave it washes over you. Another may hit at any moment but this too shall pass. So in the end I do the only thing I can do.
Mouse 🐁

The only thing you can do

Funny how time slowed to a crawl in the spring and now speeds on by once again. I feel both happy and sad. Or perhaps content and melancholic would be a better descriptor. I have found new depths but also so dearly wish for the past. A dichotomy if I ever had one. 
Instead of crying all I feel like is sighing and laying down. Both depressively but also because I have been unkind to my back. But I get to look at pretty sights and pretty people (respectfully of course, just a passing glance but a look of beauty can lift quite a sorrowful being to a better place) 
I am glad I have few if any friends because of my age and the parade of weddings that occurs about now. It is awkward stagging a wedding, especially if you are awkward. Not a lot of ladies go hen, weddings are more for couples. So I am glad I need not endure this too many if any more times. 
Well I should eat, and care for myself.
Type you later.
Mouse 🐁

Falling fast into fall

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