Roderick

Posted Thursday, October 6, 2022

1y

INTJ

Capricorn

7

8

Grief & Anger

I have found that Anger comes from somewhere. The instinct is to ignore it, or normalize it, or minimize it. But Anger, to me, is a feral wolf, and the more you try to ignore it or act like it doesn't exist, the more mad it becomes. I've done many things I regret, in Anger, in my past, I wish I could undo that I can't, that I have to live with, and part of how I try to come to terms with it is by acknowledging it, seeing it, trying to understand, because I have spent so much of my life saying I don't have it, that it's not my problem, that I am different and that it doesn't affect me, that that only made the wolf more enraged and larger. For me, the very nature of Grief is nonconsensual. It is something that *happens* to you: you have no control over the *way* or *how* it happens: it simply does. The worst about Grief is that it impales you on a moment, or a series of moments, which you cannot escape from, that the more you try to turn away, the more you are looking at that thing you are turning away from. As a person who drinks too much alcohol to great excesses, must also vomit out those great excesses, so have I found that the only way to overcome Grief, is to drink Grief, to let it drown me for a long time, until only I remain. The worst is the knowing that that Grief might be a part of me for a long, long time, that there is no shortcut, no way to lessen it, no way to make it go away, no way to go back to before. I think of a person who has strayed, unprepared, into a great storm: you can get mad that you don't have a coat or hat, you can weep that you are cold and ask why it's happening to you, or you can turn to the storm and be part of it, let the water run over you, and grin, and let the thunder be your heart, crying out, drumming, drumming, drumming.