Too clingy?

Question

Just wondering if I'm getting a bit too clingy or demanding here guys...

I got approached by a woman about 5 months ago, long distance since then with a few good weekends away and we message every day. However, I've seen a few red flags.... They seem to put less effort into their messages than I do recently which wasn't always the case, I told them I really liked them which was not even acknowledged but I think after 5 months of chatting and going on dates that's not an unreasonable thing to say. Ultimately I feel like I'm becoming more of a burden then a pleasure... But I get anxious so that could just be me feeling that way.

There's a few factors at play... They've had bad relationship experiences in the past (haven't we all?) which might make it harder for them to open up, they have a busy job, kids, and they've just gone back onto anxiety medication. They could just be a bit distracted at the moment or not have as much time to chat, but I feel that recently something is missing.

I have pulled back for now, messaging less to give them a break. I know I could address the situation directly but I wonder if I'm overreacting and that could make it worse. We've just had a weekend away where they planned a full itinerary so I see effort there.... Just not on the messaging recently.

What do you think, guys? Am I overreacting or do I have a point?

Giles · Accepted Answer

Thanks for the advice and the encouragement folks. I've decided I'm going to just endure things for a week while their meds are kicking in. If by this time next week I'm seeing no improvement or worse, I'll speak with them more directly about how things are going, discussing how I feel, validating that they're a busy person and asking them if they're getting everything they want from our "thing". Thanks everyone. :)

T · Answer

It is hard to guess whether you are overreacting or there's something wrong because sometimes what we call overreacting is a reaction to a real red flag, but sometimes it is just that, overreacting. Time tells us the difference between the two.
If the person has put in effort in the past, then maybe it is as a result of having a lot on one's plate or something like that.
I think you need to have two very honest conversations, one with yourself and one with your person. 
On the conversation with yourself, ask how the relationship really has been (without romanticising it), see if it has been good for both of you, see what expectations and needs you both have, and see how the effort ratio has been. 
When having the conversation with her, bide your timing. The end of a long and/or stressful day isn't a good time, neither is a day when the anxiety or side effects of the meds peaked, so is a day following a night of terrible sleep or none at all etc. (And yes, I do realise that truly good days may be rare, so that makes it tricky. Hopefully you can find a relatively stable day.) Ask if she is happy, what she wants and needs out of the relationship and decide if that is enough and doable for you.
All the best.

Bex · Answer

I think this is a conversation you need to have with her. The questions you have, only she can answer. And if you are feeling doubts, she definitely deserve to know that so she can make any changes she may want to.

Martha · Answer

New meds?  Ah those do some interesting things with timing, urgency, and planning.  For me, meds took away the urgency, made me late for stuff that I usually wouldn't be, and made planning a thing less necessary...   Granted I was far more able to do things without executive dysfunction, and anxiety... But the anxiety was what kept me planning things, kept me early, and allowed a hyper focus at times, and took away a lot of my over thinking, and regular thinking... Like I was a capable gray zombie.     So my friends noticed I texted less, replied slower, and didn't really have any interest in anything.

This takes an adjustment period.

So could be just the meds. Could be the meds and losing interest in you personally, but I doubt it.       It is something you should talk to her about, gently.  And listen to what she says, validate her feelings regardless of what they are.  And feel free to tell her how you've been feeling (open with that, like I feel like you've been getting distant, because of less messages, is this true, are you doing ok?  Or something similar)

Anthony · Answer

One of the reasons relationship fail is lack of communication. If she's doing something you like, tell her that as soon as it happens.

If she's doing some you don't like, you need to ask questions/have a conversation or let her know.

Do not let fear or anxiety stop you from speaking your mind.

Also you need to consider worst case scenario (Letting her go) as you initiate that conversation.

You got this

Mirko · Answer

This effort you have been putting, why did you do that? When/where in a day have you been doing that ?

Andrew · Answer

All these people say they value communication, and then never do it. Instead they leave you hanging like this.

Too clingy?

Relationshipadvice Community

I think this is a conversation you need to have with her. The questions you have, only she can answer. And if you are feeling doubts, she definitely deserve to know that so she can make any changes she may want to.

This effort you have been putting, why did you do that? When/where in a day have you been doing that ?

All these people say they value communication, and then never do it. Instead they leave you hanging like this.

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