Posted Saturday, July 8, 2023
2y
INTP
Pisces
Attempting to Write a book but need a 2nd opinion
So these are the first 3 paragraphs of chapter 1, lmk what you guys think... CHAPTER ONE The sun dipped beneath the horizon, casting an eerie glow over the war-torn landscape. The air was thick with the acrid scent of smoke and the echoes of battle cries. The once lush fields were now trampled and scorched, the earth torn apart by the violence that had unfolded. Amidst the chaos, flames danced hungrily across broken wooden structures and shattered stone walls. The night sky was ablaze with the fiery aftermath of a brutal massacre. The crackling inferno consumed everything in its path, devouring homes and lives with equal fervour. The cries of anguish and despair cut through the roaring flames, mingling with the agonised wails of the wounded. Blood painted the ground in gruesome patterns, the fallen bodies of heroes and innocent bystanders alike now a grotesque tapestry of death. Silhouettes of armoured figures moved along the flickering blaze, their weapons glinting malevolently in the firelight. Each swing of a sword or thrust of a spear was met with a spray of crimson, leaving behind a trail of destruction and severed limbs. The ground trembled beneath the weight of countless footfalls, a haunting symphony of doom. The once-vibrant utopia now lay in ruins, its walls crumbled and its inhabitants slain. The screams of women and children, their lives cut short in an instant, echoed in the distance, a haunting reminder of the merciless slaughter. Above, the night sky was painted in hues of red and orange, a macabre backdrop to the scene of devastation. Ash and smoke billowed upward, obscuring the stars and casting an otherworldly glow upon the carnage below. It was a landscape of nightmares, a chilling tableau of savagery and loss. As the flames danced higher and higher, devouring all in their path, a lone figure emerged from the chaos. Cloaked in shadows, his eyes glowed with a feral intensity, his lips curled into a cruel smile. He surveyed the scene with satisfaction, revelling in the destruction he had weaved. In that fiery scene of massacre, hope seemed but a distant memory, swallowed by the darkness that had descended upon the land. The flames roared on, relentless and unyielding, leaving behind only the charred remnants of a once-thriving community—a chilling testament to the horrors of war.
35
31
Books Community
The books community, chat, and discussion.
6M SOULS
2y
ESTJ
Libra
The narration is awesome, I like the second paragraph alot. It makes me curious thinking was it a samurai war or The Character Obito from Naruto enjoying the destruction of the Village laughing with psychotic face. Truly nice. I'm waiting for the whole book can I know what's the name of the book? If youre not interested share to publicly you can private message me ♥️
0
2
2y
INFJ
Cancer
I think that the second and first paragraph could be condensed down together and the lone figure could be further described, perhaps briefly mentioned before. Something along the lines of a cackling demon a whirling dervish of blades blood and frenetic yearning to paint the battlefield. That is of course dependent on how central the figure is. Also perhaps start with a juxtaposition of the utopia to the aftermath or lead into it after the description of the fallout.
0
2
2y
ISTP
Good as a first draft. Seems a bit wordy though. I would try and shorten the paragraphs so the readers aren't looking at a wall of text. Also you talked about the sun set, then other parts of the setting, then the sky again. Seems a bit weird, maybe talk about everything involving the sky, then the air, then the ground. Like a camera panning down in a movie scene. ^_^ hope this helps
0
4
2y
INTJ
Libra
I agree with a couple of other commenters that you should streamline. Your descriptions are colorful and bring the scene to life, but you've described a few things in multiple ways. Pick the ones you like best. Robert's simile of the camera panning is the perfect way to think of it. You're unfolding the scene for your reader. Keep the momentum moving forward. The repetition feels like a step backward. You can fill it out with more intimate detail. Instead of women and children screaming, a mother cries for her child. A child shakes a mother, trying to revive her. A child drags a sibling away from the flames consuming their home. A wounded warrior clings to a severed limb as he hobbles or crawls in search of safety. Don't tell us the slaughter is merciless. Show us.
0
2
2y
ISTP
Capricorn
Good so far 👍
0
0
2y
ESTJ
Libra
The narration is awesome, I like the second paragraph alot. It makes me curious thinking was it a samurai war or The Character Obito from Naruto enjoying the destruction of the Village laughing with psychotic face. Truly nice. I'm waiting for the whole book can I know what's the name of the book? If youre not interested share to publicly you can private message me ♥️ Edit: The second paragraph is a good way of story telling with metaphors. If there's a feedback i would like to give is to remove tiny hardwords. It's perfect
0
0
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