Tonya

Posted Tuesday, January 17, 2023

1y

ISFJ

Leo

2

3

Can a cuddler be happy as a non-cuddler in an undesirable relationship?

Most of my life I've been EXTREMELY physically affectionate, with absolutely everyone in my life, even pets. But I had less than zero interest in touching, hugging, kissing, even holding hands with my ex. I just...couldn't. I don't know why except that I simply wasn't attracted to him, wasn't "into" him; he was a relationship that never should have happened. Ironically though, he only came about because I was mid-divorce and needed so desperately to be touched that a dinner became hugging became a one-night-stand who never left. So yeah, we made it. Well, **HE** made it... I buried myself in work and kids and duties and just hid my need for physical affection because I didn't want him to provide it. I hugged my kids and kissed them, hugged my friends and coworkers and neighbors, hugged and kissed on the pets, but meanwhile didn't share a couch or a bed with my husband. Hell, for a decade we didn't share a house, and for a year of that we didn't even share a STATE! So here I am now at age 51, surrounded by "my chosen family" who I love and who love me, but there are so few of even them who I can hug or kiss on the cheek; women who aren't comfortable being kissed and hugged by other women, a couple of asexual/non-binary individuals who aren't comfortable being touched by anyone, and my two very closest friends -- both male -- whose female partners are so jealous the guys won't let me near them. Where is *my* cuddle buddy? The man (sorry everyone else, but I crave a man) who will wrap me in his arms, allow me to wrap him in mine, allow me to fall asleep to drum of his heart against my cheek, and cradle me in his scent and warmth and tenderness. I'm so sad that I've allowed a third of my life slip away, chained to the wrong man, barred from those sensations, denied that shared tenderness. I don't know where to go from here. How do you find that which you've locked away for so long that you'll barely recognize it when it reappears? How do you find that one cuddler amongst a sea of users and sex-seekers? How do you safely navigate the same of internet strangers? It hurts. All of it. (edited)