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Day 4 - What's on my mind

I woke up thinking about what are the things I left there and if it's going to be another trip or what. my friends offered to help. I was thankful for it. I still hope it will fit. my heart still hurts. it was mourning since day 1 and my brain just kept working. still getting dizzy but it's powerful enough that my whole body is in full energy. except one...the heart It might take a while.. it's okay.. I showered and prepared. cleaned my room and drink lots of water. knees and muscles are not sore from last night's gym. ate breakfast and prepare to my car to drive back to get my things back. fast forward, I texted your mom that I am coming though I don't want to see her but she was there standing in front of me, just staring at me and it was cold, emotionless and just heartless. I said my last farewell goodbye to my cats but I didn't say a word to her. not worth it. my brain convincing my heart to not to go hug her. I left the property. Arrived back in the house and placed all my stuff downstairs at basement. it's cluttered basement needs a good cleaning. I sorted and rearranged everything out and it kept me busy until midnight. my brain is so focused that my eyes are picturing the half basement as a little hangout area. I was happy, it's going to be something. I planned on donating all unnecessary things so we can make lots of space in the basement. Deep thoughts of me saying that I am organizing my parent's house and it's helping them too. My car is full of things to donate. one of the things I observed is that my family likes hoarding things and just put them everywhere else. it's half space of basement that I organized and it seem cleaner like before. All it needs down there is clean floor, my little office corner needs area carpet, corner led lights on the floor and some tapestries on the wall to cover the dirt. I remembered you were very minimalist and you hate that I hoard my things before too. I let you organized my things and we moved to a small house. we had a queen size bedroom and we invested to get new furniture and clothes. you made a corner for your reading and a corner for my computer in the living room. You said don't put television in the bedroom because it's only intended for entertainment and should only be in the living room. I let you do the rest of the rooms and put away the rest of the stuff for donation. it was baby steps. --- now, you rearranged everything as soon as I left. like nothing happens. like showing me that you already done. on Day 4. amazing how one person is devastated while the other one doesn't care and is already selling themselves out. I heard you were back going out. my heart starts to break once again but my brain is full of anger. You are mentally abusing me. It's funny that you always listen to stoicism philosophy whenever you fell asleep but it doesn't work. you always stick to your opinion even if you know it's not right. Stoicism teaches us to love others, including the possibility that relationships may end. However, this awareness doesn't diminish one's capacity for love. It's difficult to comprehend how someone could love less after embracing Stoic principles, as they see relationships as external and vulnerable to pain yet still worthy of love. You failed. I always acted like a fool so I can get your confidence but you pushed it too far, You picked on me and made fun of me. I acted like a kid sometimes so you can say you are matured and most of the time you would feel stressed out because you can't handle it. I took over and hugged you, tell you that it'll be okay and will be here for you. You would give me puppy green eyes stare when you want something. I immediately made time and efforts just to see you happy. I feel very grateful on those years but those are only just memories now. I was exhausted from thinking. my brain takes notes and memories. I fell asleep but my heart.. It's heavy tonight..




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