Being Autistic With Trauma

Question

I think in the beginning I hoped for change in a way where I could live freely and do what I wanted to do without hinderence. This is a lie, a farce. If it were as easy as making plans and putting in all the effort I could muster, I would have done it.

Then some time ago I realized that the end was never coming to this pain, to this seemingly everlasting immovable incapableness. No matter how much I tried, no matter what help I sought, the pain remained, and no one could help me overcome what was and is ultimately biological.

Trauma can do a lot of things to you, including making an autistic person be capable of doing certain things. Then, once all that is dealt with, who you really are steps in, and it's nor the same person with the same capabilities as before. Trauma can boost your adrenaline, and for years I struggled with anxiety. Then, once I realized who and where my problems came from, I was able to deal with them once I accepted that it had passed. Once I did though, I forever changed into an even less capable person than I had been previous. Because Trauma changes not just who you are, but you on a biological level as well.

Even though I've dealt with all my problems head on, been to therapy, sought medical attention and care through medication. Still..the pain persists, but it isn't pain from my past. It's pain of the everyday. Pain in my joints, my back, my knees, my hips. It's pain in my head from what can feel like an eternal pressure weighing down on me. It leaves me whining and speechless. Words that leave my mouth are but mumbles and sounds. My body incapable of movement, or at the very least limited in my ability to control all aspects of it at once.

Most of my life has been different than other people's, because I am disabled. Because I was unknowingly on the spectrum of both adhd and autism. I thought if I could just move beyond my traumas, beyond my eternal sadness, that I would be "normal". I'm not though, and I will never be. I've had to come to accept in some way that this is my life now. So, I've tried to change aspects of it to fit my own sensitivities. From the people I've kept around, to my own personal space and environment. Though, this doesn't mean I don't try to challenge my issues, it just means that because I have fought so long trying to rid myself of them, its better if I find ways to work around them, which sometimes means just allowing it to happen. Otherwise you only end up disappointing yourself.

For me, pain is normal, whether it's joint pain, or emotional from people I meet, or whatever. Pain is normal and it's part of life. Trying to move away from pain has only brought me more pain. So I just accept pain, I accept that I am who I am despite all the problems and issues I have.

I'm not worthless just because I'm disabled, I'm not lazy just because I can't get up and do the dishes or whatever. I'm just on the spectrum, and that means I'll always have difficulty doing regular things. It's not the end of the world though. I can live a good life and be happy, I just can't do things others might be able to do, but that doesn't make me stupid, lazy, or that I've given up. I live my life the way I feel I should. With honesty, truth, and kindness. It's the only way I can find true contentment.

Will · Accepted Answer

I can’t imagine what you went through, but your ability to express yourself is really amazing. I could see how you make sense for others from your point of view. 
I’m sorry you feel pain in more ways than one. I messaged you a little bit ago, hope you see it <3

Being Autistic With Trauma

Autistic Community

I can’t imagine what you went through, but your ability to express yourself is really amazing. I could see how you make sense for others from your point of view. I’m sorry you feel pain in more ways than one. I messaged you a little bit ago, hope you see it <3

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