Anthony

Posted Friday, June 21, 2024

4mo

INTJ

8

7

Ego Death

Human existence is--quite literally--a conscious experience. Were a person to be biologically alive but consciously empty--such as after brain damage--we can acknowledge that this person exists physically, but that which makes that person who they are has ceased to exist. A body without a consciousness is simply an empty shell. What we are, in a human sense, is ego. Ego is our relationship to ourselves. It is our self-identity. It is that which makes us uniquely who we are. (This is obviously a different usage of the word 'ego' than that which implies arrogance or other such concepts.) The foundation of ego is our view of existence. Not only our understanding of metaphysical reality, but our view of ourselves in relation to that reality. This encompasses not only our view of existence itself (apart from ourselves), but also our view of human existence in general, and our pariticular existence specifically. It is all-too-common, for instance, that a person may generally hold a view of human beings as being capable, but view their self as being deficient or inadequate. It is more common than not that an individual will feel--at least on the subconscious level--that others seem to be doing just fine, but that they cannot exist with the same level of competency or efficacy, particularly in matters of moral worth. In a sense, a lot of people carry around with them, what Nathaniel Branden describes as, "a tragic sense of life." Meaning, in essence, that they are prone to expect life to consist of hardship and pain far more than success and enjoyment. They live with a chronic sense of existential inevitability, that whatever goals or purposes they set for themselves will go unfulfilled, and that they will be inadequate to achieve that which they most desire. This is true, especially, in people's attitudes towards love and relationships; and it often times results in what Nathaniel Branden describes as: people would often times rather be right (about their view of existence) than happy. Meaning, in a sense, that people may self-sabotage good things in their life because they feel comfortable with fulfilling the expectation that disaster would occur, rather than chase achievement and success in their endeavors, because achievement contradicts their view of reality; and their is comfort in having reality conform to one's expectations. (That which we know will happen, we can process, accept, and cope with; but it is much harder to accept circumstances one is not prepared for. This is especially true when someone is experiencing success in reaching a state of happiness, and it feels as though something will destroy that happiness sooner or later, creating a constant state of anxiety about when everything will inevitably fall apart--and causing a person to try to expedite the disaster they expect in order to alleviate the anxiety about the disaster inevitably occurring.) But, a related issue tied to this is the issue of ego. Throughout our lives, we develop values and beliefs that serve as the content of our ego. Again, it is a metaphysical perspective which serves the foundation of our ego; but it is the actual content of our values which serve as that which we experience most intimately with regards to our self. If a person, for example, has spent their life perfecting their skills at piano, playing the piano is an important value to that person. Their interest and ability in playing piano serves as an important part of their ego. Or, again, if a person has a parent that they are very close to, that is a value in that person's life. Valuing that person and the reasons why they value that person serves as an important part of their ego. If they value their parent because that parent was someone they respect, that is also a part of their ego. Or, if they value their parent in spite of how cruel and irresponsible that parent has been, that is a part of their ego as well. And, just as our interests, pursuits, and hobbies are a part of our ego, our relationship to other people is also a part of our ego. If we feel small and unimportant compared to other people, that will form an important aspect of one's ego. If a person feels, for example, that helping other people is more important than taking care of one's own needs, wants, and desires--and they are constantly willing to sacrifice their own interests and other values in order to help fulfill others--this is a very big part of their ego. Or, if a person is resolute on maintaining their own wants and needs, refusing to sacrifice their needs for the sake of the needs of others, this is also a very substantial part of one's ego. But, throughout the course of our life, we experience by gradual degree, a slow death of our old self to be slowly rewritten by the establishment of a new self--generally progressing towards that which we admire in others and away from that which we disdain in others. We may, for example, admire courage and persaverence, but feel that we default on this value quite often. In gradual steps, we may learn to dedicate ourselves more wholly and with less fear towards our pursuits, slowly replacing the frightened child within us with a competent adult. But rarely--unless someone experiences a profound change in their understanding of their existence--does a person undergo a complete reinventing of their ego. Generally speaking, those values we acquired early in life, particularly our moral values, tend to be quite persistent--and it takes a very long time to change those particular values. Only when someone is introduced to a whole new way of viewing their existence, does anyone typically ever transform their ego quite rapidly. Instead, the shift is gradual as to hardly not be noticed at all. And yet, at some stage in our life, we look back at our childhood and wonder who that person is that we used to be--viewing our past self as a stranger to our adult, more established self. We muse at the fact that we had certain beliefs or fears that no longer make up an important part of who we now are. And here, we can recognize a very important reason why people may behave in relationships or potential relationships in such ways as they do. Because accepting and investing in a new relationship threatens the ego. A person may desire to be with certain people, but that chasing of those other people or fantasizing about that relationship is part of the experience they have grown comfortable and safe with. While it is somewhat an oxymoron to say that you desire a relationship with someone but also fear succeeding at getting into that relationship with them, this happens to be a very common occurence. There is, if you will, a loss of self-identity, of ego, in acquiring a new relationship--especially one full of love and authentic feelings. To give, but also to receive, love is to render one's self vulnerable--but it is also something that ceases that part of your ego which fantasizes, dreams, and desires. When a desire for a relationship with someone becomes an actualization of that desire, there is no longer that barrier of fantasy. The yearning, the expectation, the uncertainty are all part of our ego up until the point of actually receiving that which we sought. Then, one must adjust one's self to learn to accept and enjoy that which one has succeeded in. This can often feel unsafe, and a large reason is because one loses--to some extent--a sense of personal identity. If the relationship is serious, then one now begins to view one's self in relation to that other person. They are no longer "this person," but "so-and-so's romantic partner." They are actively incorporating someone new--someone significantly important--into their identity. And whenever a new identity is being established, the old one has to fade away. To make matters worse, there is also the fear of not actually wanting what one wants. To want something in fantasy is not the same as to actually experience it. You may order a meal at a restaraunt and feel disappointed by it because it is not what you expected. It may come to precisely as was described or depicted--precisely as advertised--but you may not enjoy it the way you had expected you would. When this happens in a relationship, it is devastating because you rarely feel you can express any doubt without injuring the relationship. Instead of talking about your doubts, you generally suppress them, not wanting to say anything until you are sure. And most relationships seem to consist of two people who are chronically unsure about their partner--both stubbornly refusing to face their doubts because they are afraid that even the implication of a doubt about the relationship will be injurous. And so, people often times will struggle with this constant doubt about themselves and about their relationship, and to avoid this issue, they often push people away before they can get too close. People feel comfortable living with fantasy. They feel terrified of losing something that they already have. In order to avoid being afraid of losing something they have gained, they instead avoid gaining anything at all--self-sabotaging and encouraging reality to conform to their expectations that disaster will eventually befall them.