Jordan Elmore

Posted Friday, December 29, 2023

5mo

INTP

Aquarius

6

7

The Values I Want to Instill

When I feel guilty or resentful about something, the best way I cope with it is to blog about it. A few nights ago, my brother insisted on bringing up remorseful memories, and it made my sister cry. I regretted not putting a stop to it earlier. It reminded me of earlier disputes we'd had as kids. Our parents didn't want to resolve the problem, they just wanted everybody to act like we got along. My go-to source for relationship techniques has been Cloud and Townsend's "Boundaries" ever since I left home. One definite thing that I want to do that my parents did not was to find some other way of enforcing rules or addressing misbehavior other than spankings and lectures.Yeah, it was always spankings, but when we got too old for that (12 years minamum), they resorted to mockery and condescension. I wish we'd be allowed more prompts, because one thing that is non-negotiable for me is that is is never appropriate to lose your temper or resort to shouting when dealing with children. I grew up in the American South, and I was a part of boy scouts. My experience is that too many adults in my life (particularly Christian adults) think that having a short fuse is something to be proud of. Here's an example: I once lent a friend a video game CD without consulting my siblings. When I told my mom about it, she dragged me in front of my Dad, who concluded that I was trying to "buy friendship" with favors (nevermind half their parenting was love-bombing me and then using it as a reason to get his way with me). Then forced me into an insincere hug, gave me an insincere "I love you," and then came back when I was in bed to lecture me some more. And my mom wasn't done with me, either. The next morning, she took me into the bathroom to criticize my attitude and tell me that, as "the best kids in the world," we ought to know better than to loan CDs without permission. I have since distanced myself a considerable amount from them both, but I still need to work through this resentment. I need to prove that what I have in mind will work better. After all... I still loaned things to people long afterwards and never got them back, or only got them back after several reminders. Let's say my hypothetical kid loans a friend of his one of my books without my asking. I will say to him, "Henry, that was not your property to lend out. I won't let you use the computer until 3 days after you get it back, 5 if I have to make the call myself. Now shall you call him to bring it back or shall I?" I already practice parenting techniques that work better than what my parents do or what my older brother does. They like to whine and have emotional breakdowns in front of their grandchildren (my brother to a lesser extent, but he's still rather opinionated). I actually intervene and draw boundary lines between them, and moderate a negotiation. They don't always agree to it, but at least they stop whining. In the instance where one of my kids insults one another, like, let's just say, as teenagers, Polly tells Emily, "Hurry up and put some make-up on. I don't want to look at that." Of course, I'd need greater context to see what has been going on. So, Polly will have her own make-up taken away from her for the next day. And if she doesn't wear any, take away some fashion accessory, something she thinks makes her look good. Couple this with questioning. "Why would you say that? You don't get to set the standard for what your sister should look like." I'm coming to see that a big problem of my parents is that they didn't accept us for who we were. They had specific ideas in mind for who and what they thought they should be. They only wanted to get to know us insofar as they would know how to change us to suit their expectations. My dad often asked me, "What are you thinking about?" Which he thought may have been a conversation starter, but if I did in fact tell him, he'd either shoot it down or try to top it. And he does that to this day... I don't like to be dishonest, but my parents have set up a family dynamic where it's impossible to be honest without being insulting. I had to outright say, "You can't meet my needs anymore. I will have to find somebody who can," before they let me move out. Still, I know whoever I end up dating will eventually meet my parents. I mean, in a general sense, my relationship with them has improved since I moved out, but there are still very many values I do not share with them, and there are specific things they do that I have strong convictions against. Man. This will be a hell of a year.