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Melanie

1 month ago

INFP
Taurus

6w5

6

5

Lost
1 award

Anyone else feeling totally lost in today's society? Not in a place to be in a relationship but not cut out for casual or ENM. Everyone seems to be poly these days. Finding folks who are ok with platonic friendship seems so difficult. I feel like a castaway on an island.

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137

60

Tim

1 month ago

INFP
Aquarius

6w5

6

5

It's hard, we are the generation that is seeing the most severe upset to social economics and relations. People ultimately fall in line somewhere, but it is more difficult for some. Relationships aren't what they used to be, but you do have to find what's important to you. Don't adjust what you want for fleeting gratification. If you want a relationship to be committed, look for it and don't compromise. It may be harder to find now, but they are out there. I'm looking myself, we'll find it. There are people capable of platonic friends, but dating communities might not be the best place to find that. It's extremely difficult to find actual friends of the opposite sex because hormones and other natural attractions. I've had a few great ones that lasted years. I lost one I had for over 10 years because she caught feelings and I rejected her. And another of 4 years because we tried to date each other to which I caught feels only after getting that close and she didn't. Others just drifted apart. From my discussions with other 30 year olds, its extremely common that around 30 we start losing friends we've had for years, like we did when we left highschool. Life goes through cycles. Just be you, and people will come around.

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7

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Melanie

1 month ago

INFP
Taurus

6w5

6

5

Yeah, I relate to a lot of that but I have had successful platonic relationships with different genders. One that's listed over 15 years. I do have to reset that boundary once in a while though. As an introvert I don't really know any way to talk to local people other than these apps. I don't enjoy going out much unless I am with folks I'm already comfy around. A lot of my hobbies and interests are in male dominated niches and I end up being hit on more than I can tolerate due to trauma. I understand folks are just looking for connections but it makes me feel like an object.

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5

2

Tim

1 month ago

INFP
Aquarius

6w5

6

5

I 100% get that.

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2

0

Greg

1 month ago

INTP
Aquarius

I am curious: What feels like connection to you? And what feels like objectification?

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0

2

Tim

1 month ago

INFP
Aquarius

6w5

6

5

I can't speak for her, but if I were to guess it's men who lack tact. Men who's idea of showing interest are crude. Being more of a demisexual myself I can understand disliking the superficial, or physical approaches before knowing if I'm even compatible with someone or have interest myself.

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3

1

Melanie

1 month ago

INFP
Taurus

6w5

6

5

Fair questions. For me feeling objectified might come easier than for some others due to my history, and it depends if i've experiencesd a flashback recently. But I would say connection is more intellectual and innocent in intentions. Its not engaged with out of a desire for a potential intimate experience or relationship or something to be gained. If I can see a person check me out and then try and get my contact info without really knowing me I feel objectified. Sometimes being called "fun" does it. Or if someone touches me without consent. If I set a boundary and someone tries to push it or change my mind. If someone showers me with positive words, then gets to know my past, and then disappears. All things thst make me feel like someone is talking to me because they find me attractive rather than seeing me as a thinking, feeling, human.

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2

2

Greg

1 month ago

INTP
Aquarius

What feels like connection to you? And what feels like objectification? I identify as demisexual myself, to some degree: emotional connection is _profoundly_ important. At the same time, I often enjoy being physically objectified... but not financially objectified. People are complicated, ya know? Now. Let's guess less and listen more.

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0

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Melanie

1 month ago

INFP
Taurus

6w5

6

5

I have a complex relationship with my body due to abuse. I need to feel respected and safe. Which is hard to come by.

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3

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Kansas

1 month ago

INFP
Sagittarius

1w9

1

9

Everytime I hear or read "you look fun" I'm out. History has shown that statement is followed by some sexual innuendo without any interest in who I actually am.

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4

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Tim

1 month ago

INFP
Aquarius

6w5

6

5

I'd say it's weird for me since I've never met anyone I've had deep conversations with that has related to how I become interested romantically in someone. It may contribute to why I have had so few relationships. I don't hit on women, I don't flirt with women, and I don't pursue women. Sure I see plenty of attractive women but I just go about my life. I didn't even start dating till I was 27. Before that I felt like I myself needed work. I wasn't in a decent career, I had school and hobbies and friends. I guess my brain always said one day it will happen, I'll meet someone and fall in love. Well that is kind of how it happened. A friend I was friends with for 4 years started coming on to me romantically, and at first I was like what? But I gave it a shot.. we got close and I started to feel more for her and enjoyed the closeness. She didn't really want a relationship with me like she had let on, and I felt crushed by that and I had to separate myself from her which I never repaired. It was my first heart break, I was naive. Fast forward to the last woman I was romantically involved with.. I met her at work, we were just sitting around waiting for one of my underlings to arrive so we could work on a project for her. Her and I got into a conversation about literature where I talked about poets and philosophers I was reading. I was real big into this at the time. She held that conversation, talked with me about philosophy, she apparently took many literature courses and philosophy in college. It was a great conversation. My underling arrived and we began work and concluded. We all left, and I was in my car heading back to the main office when I just couldn't stop thinking about that conversation. I wanted more. I talked with her a few times very briefly after that, and then I asked her out. I was so enamored by her. People aren't perfect though, and I found out she was cheating on her deployed military husband with me and that's why it eventually ended. I thought she was the one, so it tore me up pretty bad and I learned a lot of lessons. But thats the best description of how connection has happend for me. I don't think I've ever been objectified. I've had women check me out but I don't consider that to be objectifying me. I've had women come on to me poorly but again it doesn't feel like objectification to me. I have trauma in my past when I was young so I can relate to that. I don't talk about it.

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3

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Kitty

1 month ago

INTP
Leo

5w6

5

6

And every single meeting/social app is centered around dating. Ugh. It's hard to find friends. I'm about to go back to carrying a 64 pack of crayons around and seeing who wants to borrow a blue.

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Chris

1 month ago

INTJ
Scorpio

5w6

5

6

I hear you there! This is only the second app I've ever found for trying to match with people for friendship but because it's "also" for dating that automatically makes it "primarily" for dating for many people 😫

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2

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Kitty

1 month ago

INTP
Leo

5w6

5

6

People these days are like, terrified of being single. They look at friendship like it's a loss, or something you throw out when you finally score a romantic relationship. Ugh, now I sound like an old person, lol. "BACK IN MY DAY!"

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1

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Az

1 month ago

INTP
Libra

8w9

8

9

Ive had people that claimed friendships for months before trying to sleep with me only to have them upset I wouldn’t be casual so they cease connection entirely. Its so confusing. And not in my flavor at all. I wish people could feel loved without having full access to every aspect of my beinghood. I certainly miss every single one that wouldn’t hear no respectfully. But i guess rejection dysphoria is a b!tch.

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7

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Noble

1 month ago

INTP
Aquarius

Tell me about it. I'm almost to the point where I feel genuinely afraid of telling people my beliefs on the chance they think I'm crazy.

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4

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Olabode

1 month ago

ENFP
Aries

Me and my friends talk about this all the time.

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4

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Rachael

1 month ago

INFJ
Aquarius

5w4

5

4

Feeling much of the same. I'm too emotionally intense for ENM and probably too jealous for anything poly. 🤔At the same time, not quite ready for a relationship. Friendship first though is most appealing. It's not just you.

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4

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Jaime

1 month ago

ENTP
Pisces

5w4

5

4

It's a bit rough, took quite a few years to come out of my shell more and more. You don't need to be in a sexual or romantic relationship to love someone and that's a lesson that can take others a while to learn. It doesn't need to be more than love and care but people need more experience to understand that.

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3

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Samuel Jenkins

1 month ago

INFJ
Aquarius

It's easy to fall for polyamorism, to look at all the stars and forget the sun. Alot of people lose their health, looks, wealth etc. Before realizing the tune they were singing had no chorus.

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3

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Brandon

1 month ago

INTJ
Sagittarius

Better a rebel with a cause than to be compliant in social mediocrity.

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3

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Chris

1 month ago

INTJ
Scorpio

5w6

5

6

Same here! Maybe if we get enough castaways on islands we can push the islands together and make a new country. One that isn't so horrible 😅

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2

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Mich

1 month ago

INFJ
Cancer

4w5

4

5

I feel you. Can we switch worlds???? I'm surrounded by people who insists on monogamy (and I'm a relationship anarchist), who reject my being, so often I don't even get basic respect. I don't even dare to look for friends anymore. I'll be forever grateful you didn't spit on me. That's how low I set the bar these days 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

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