Lucas

Posted Thursday, October 24, 2024

1y

INFJ

Taurus

6

5

Once in a while, something above aligns and..

Let me first set the environment, the context, the climate, the setup for this soon-to-be ramble of sorts. You're a musician struggling to find other souls to make art with. You're a writer who creates dark words and moves souls with how you can convey darkness. You've seen life, death, you've lived through addiction, you've survived constant abandonment. Life can absolutely be worse - but yours hasn't been the best either. It's almost November. You've been hurting since June. The person you would run to had gave up, and on top of it took who you considered family. Because of the bylaws of your country, lack of blood relation, and a lack of government paperwork stating otherwise - there is no say. You've been abandoned. Fast forward. It's been rough. Alcohol has almost taken you. People around you have started to either file you away, dismiss you, give up on you, essentially excommunicate. Your luck hasn't been so good. You're in a depressive rut from work fatigue, and grieving but you're recovering. You do something stupid one night. Invite a friend over to town. Have a great time. Have dinner. Drive them back home to the next state since you both have to work. You've both had a bit of whisky.. You've done this before though. You got this. You're about to experience a life change, and luckily not what it sounds. You drive about 2 hours round trip. You're on the home stretch. You sobered up on the way back into town, you're four blocks away. Then you see behind you - cherries and berries. This time, you have this pit, a bad feeling. You know you shouldn't have done it but you did anyway. The sheriff does his job, field test. Odds are stacked against you. You're over 300 lb. You aren't very well with your balance in the first place, let alone with drink in your system. They take you in. Luck was on your side, you blew below .015. Now starts your first night in jail, and the cold depressing wonder within, shared with 7 strangers youve never met, picked up for several reasons. After calling your workplace to inform you're going to be late that day, calling your mom and hearing her disapproval, disappointment, and relief that you're okay. You've met with the judge, given your rights, given a court date. Your license has been taken, your dignity has been squashed, grief and guilt pile sky high. After being sized up by lifer Nazis, hearing your cell neighbors screaming and banging on the walls, shivering in the cold, and the wardens cackling at the whole scene for 12 hours - bail's posted. You just spent the night in the drunk tank. Now you wait for your mother to come get you. I will pause a moment - this is not about me getting a DUI. This isn't about my ex-wife leaving. However, what's next is what this is about. Something beautiful that's blossoming, I hope. After your recent run in, you're browsing your apps. Little here, little there. You hear a 'match' chime and see. You see their bio. The first thing that caught your eye is how they wrote it. Melancholy and smart, yet honest and hopeful. They write in a way you do. It was something you instantly recognized. It was beautiful. You see the photo next. They're cute! Catches your eye in a different way. Not sexually, not lustfully. It's a strange set of emotions, but don't let it get to you. Shoot your shot. "Who dares, wins." A conversation starts. You find out that you've matched before, though you struggle to remember. Your memory isn't so good nowadays. Let's hope they can forgive that. A couple of days go by talking on the app. Once you've both have realized you have each other's numbers already, The conversation shifts once again to the next phase.. SMS/RCN. You both keep talking about different topics. Although you were cautious about it, you revealed your struggles with addiction to them. They didn't push you away and were understanding. The more you both talk the more you start to realize that this person doesn't just think like you, The way their personality is and the way that they are is a *compliment*. Not just a match,or mimic. Then one night you guys start sharing music. Music is your whole spirit. All the writing you do, The hours upon hours, decades you've played your instruments and recorded beautiful art, listened and indulged in soul moving sounds. You've become very, very infatuated with a particular artist. You never thought you would be a 'stan', but you show her and she loves it. She introduces you to some new artists too, breaking you out of a loop of sorts. As you both start building a playlist together... You are smiling the entire time. You start feeling that frog that you felt so long ago. That warmth you can't help but smile from. Maybe? Just.. maybe? All night you both trade music, listen to all kinds of favorites. You dig up things you haven't listened to in years because of the spark they ignited. You're absolutely passionate about music and it shows, hard. You almost have to reel it in a little bit, fear of bombing them. Luckily, they didn't seem bothered. Better yet, they reciprocated in the same way a little bit back. You have a good feeling. You shoot your shot. It's been.. maybe a week now.. but there's a catch. Not only do you not have a license right now, You also forgot she lives 2 hours away. Suddenly that warmth becomes fear. You have a long journey before you can get behind the wheel legally again. You feel it would be rude, and selfish to assume and require someone to do all that traveling one sided. You kick yourself again for what happened previously. You hope that may be, just maybe one of two things will happen. Scenario one: This person stays around and waits for you to get it together, get your driving privileges back, prove you are not what it looks like. And the first chance you get you drive. You drive and drive until you finally get to the spot you both agreed to... And maybe the start of a happily ever after. Scenario two: Maybe the judge we'll go easy when you explain your personal life to her. How you take care of your son, how you have to take care of your mom too. Unlikely, but a hope either way. You've been thinking about them since you both agreed to go to bed. You've been thinking about the scenario you put yourself into. You've been thinking about the way you've been feeling the last few days talking to this person. It's a familiar feeling but a distant one too. One that reminds you of a younger time. A time filled with anxiety, laughter, smiles and warmth. This is a cocktail you've known before, but need not label things that need to proof, set. The worst part yet, You have yet to hear her story. And it's a story that you have started looking forward to hearing. Time will reveal it, have patience. But the feelings inside, and the desire to understand this person... That in itself becomes a drug of its own. Is that.. the foundation of love? This is what happened tonight. I felt a connection with the one thing that my heart and soul revolves around, with another soul who swims in a way complimentary to mine. Maybe one day, it won't be over a phone. Hopefully, this continues. Lastly, if you figure this out / see this long, long essay I've typed, I hope it doesn't scare you away. Hope. (edited)