Why such pure creature being punished?" "Why do the innocents have to get hurt?" I feel like deep down my mother knows about my age regression, since i can't help to baby talk everyday and act like a literal child. I feel like it also gives her satisifaction and form of power, knowing she damaged a pure child to the point the child mentally can't grow from the age of 5. It broke the child so bad that the child is froze to the childhood. It shattered the child so bad that the child can't develop normally like any others do. It destroyed the child that she can't survive adulthood because she still feels like a vulnerable, helpless child. I feel like that gives most of my abusers power to abuse me, manipulate me, corrupt me. Because they know technically i'm still a naive, vulnerable, helpless child. I'm a good prey, an experimental bunny, to be tortured. My inner child: It can't be true right?. Of course my biological parents aren't my real parents. What kind of parents kill their own child? My-my parents.. they-they are angels in the sky right.. One-one day they will take us away right, that's what you said. It will happen right? Adult me: *crying and hug her* omg.. what a poor child.. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry huhuhu... My inner child: what? What do you mean youre sorry? You promised right? You said we will have parents soon . Right? Adult me: I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.. It just not as easy as it sounds... My inner teen: What do you mean by that? Are you lying to us again? Another fake promise again!!? How could you do this??? Adult me: No.. No.. Guys listen to me.. I wish i can.. I wish i can make it easier.. It just it's really hard to get adopted, especially at my age, it's almost impossible. And people just wouldn't adopt anyone that easy.. It doesn't work like that.... Little me: BUT YOU PROMISED!! YOU PROMISED!! YOU SAID IT WILL HAPPEN SOON? WHY ARE YOU LYING? My inner teen: HOW COULD YOU LIE TO US? IT HAS BEEN OUR DREAMS FOR SO LONG HOW COULD BETRAY US??? Adult me: *falls on my knees bawling myself* i-i-i'm not lying.. huhuhu i swear.. i've tried everything i could.. It just it doesn't work that easy.. It's super hard it's almost impossible i'm so sorry.. My inner teen: *cries with me* maybe.. maybe.. If if we make the cut even more visible.. if if if we show more that we are crazy.. If if if we show more th-that we need help.. Maybe.. Maybe then some, some older wiser being will empathize with us and take us with them..? My inner child: *sobbing* and and i promise i will be a good child too.. I-i-i've always been.. a good child.. I-i-i-i always stay quiet a-and don't cry for all the messed up thing they have done to me.. And-and-and i-i-i will not draw again if they dont agree.. i-i will be very very good... Adult me: *sobbing harder* oh my god what a poor poor little child huhuhuhu.. guys.. people have their own lives.. sure they might empathize with so many cuts we have or all the tears we show, but they can't just take us in like that.. People have their own lives we can't expect them to parent us... And..and.. child.. you don't have to do all that just to be loved and have a parent... My inner child: *gets up* BUT WHY??? WHY NOBODY WANTS TO ADOPT US? WHAT DID WE DO WRONG? WE ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD CHILD!!! WHY EVERYBODY ELSE HAVE PARENTS, AND WE DON'T????? My inner teen: *gets up too* YEAH TELL US WHY!! WHY ALL THOSE SUFFERINGS, AND WE STILL.. ENDED UP.. AS THE ABANDONED CHILD..!!!? HOW ARE WE GONNA SURVIVE WITHOUT A PARENT?????!!! Adult me: g-guys please.. huhuhuhu i will find a way i'm so sorry i truly am huhuhu i'm so sorry My inner teen: SORRY DOESN'T BRING US A PARENT!! EVERY NIGHT WE HAVE A RAGING ANXIETY AND OUR HEART BEATS UP SO BAD ALL WE WANT IS A PARENT TO HOLD US AND TELL US WE WILL BE FINE!! WHY WE HAVE TO SUFFER IT, ALONE AGAIN!!? WHY?? WHY!!? IT'S SO PAINFUL!! My inner child: *shakes both of my shoulder* MAKE THE PAIN STOP!! PLEASE!! MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE IT GONE!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT GONE!!!!! HELP US!!!! Adult me: no.. p-please.. i'm sorry.. huhuhu i'm sorry i wish i can do more.. i'm sorry huhuhu My inner child: WHY YOU CANT DO MORE!!? WHY??, WHY?? YOU ALWAYS DO SO MUCH MORE FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND HELPING THEM AND BE THEIR SAVIOR. ALL WHILE YOU REPRESSED ME TO THE VERY DEEP PART OF YOURSEF AND MAKING ME VERY PAINFUL!! Adult me: i'm sorry.. I'm sorry huhuhuhu i'm trying to save us too.. i promise i do.. please.. i will find a way.. My inner teen: *takes a knife* save your promises. I see no point in living if i can't have parents. "I'm just a kid" 4 words that people seem never able to understand. No matter how much i speak, no matter how loud i scream. It's useless in the ears of those who won't listen. The only one who understand that i'm just a kid is my bestfriend. And of course i can't ask huggies and vent to him every night, that's just too much pressure for him. I don't wanna be a burden for the only person who loves me in this world. And i know if he saw this he would say i'm not a burden and i could always ask for huggies and vent to him but.. but he is not my parent he is not responsible for me how could i give him that much of pressure...? Maybe if i'm no longer here i wouldn't be a burden and makes him worry anymore. "And i was so young... when i behaved 25. Yet now i find i've grown into a tall child. And I don't wanna go home yet...let me walk to the top of the big night sky. Please hurry leave me..i can't breathe.. please.. don't ...say...you...love...me" "THEN WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SAVE ME? IF THE WORLD IS SO GOOD WHY DIDNT ANYONE HELP ME ESCAPE" "You know i can't make it on my own..." Just a lonely, vulnerable, naive, helpless, needy, hopeless, child. "I'm afraid if this what i will ever be".

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