You've probably been there: feeling like you're stuck in the shallow end of the relationship pool. Maybe you've been scrolling through endless faces on dating apps, hoping to find someone who resonates with your soul, not just your selfie game. Or perhaps you're in a relationship, but there's a nagging feeling deep inside you whispering that there could be something more, something deeper, something richer.

If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And more importantly, you're not wrong to want more. With our expertise in deep connections, Boo guides you on how to achieve a complete, fulfilling connection in your relationship. Today, we'll explore the concept of Consummate Love, a term coined by psychologist Robert Sternberg, which just might be the "more" you're looking for.

What Is Consummate Love?

Consummate Love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship towards which many of us strive. It encompasses all aspects of love: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment. Unlike other forms of love that might only satisfy one or two of these aspects, Consummate Love encompasses all three.

Striving for Consummate Love in relationships is about seeking completeness, not perfection. It's about fostering an environment where all three aspects of love can flourish, creating a relationship that is balanced, fulfilling, and deep.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

Robert Sternberg, an esteemed psychologist, developed the Triangular Theory of Love, a model that has since been foundational in our understanding of love and relationships. His theory proposes that love is comprised of three interconnected components: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment.

Intimacy is the emotional component of love. It's the feeling of closeness, of connectedness, and bondedness in loving relationships. It's the sense of warmth when you share your innermost thoughts and feelings, the joy in simply being together, and the comfort of understanding and being understood.

Passion, the second component, is the motivational aspect of love. It's the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation. It's the electricity that ignites the spark and keeps the flame burning in a relationship.

Commitment, the third component, is the cognitive aspect of love. It encompasses the decision to love someone and maintain that love. It's the unwavering choice to stick with your partner through thick and thin, the decision to keep the love alive, even when the waters get rough.

Sternberg suggests that these three components of love interact with each other and depending on their presence or absence, different forms of love are created.

According to Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, there are seven types of love that result from the combination (or lack thereof) of intimacy, passion, and commitment.

• Nonlove: This is the absence of intimacy, passion, and commitment. Casual interactions and acquaintances typically fall into this category.

• Liking: This form of love is intimacy without passion or commitment. It's akin to friendships where there's a sense of closeness and understanding, but no deeper romantic feelings or long-term commitment.

• Infatuated Love: This is "love at first sight" where passion exists in the absence of intimacy and commitment. It's that intense, immediate attraction often experienced in the early stages of a relationship.

• Empty Love: In this type of love, commitment exists without intimacy or passion. It's often seen in longer-term relationships where the spark and closeness have faded, but the commitment remains.

• Romantic Love: This type of love is characterized by the combination of intimacy and passion without commitment. It's the whirlwind romances, intense and emotionally close, yet lacking long-term commitment.

• Companionate Love: This form of love is characterized by intimacy and commitment, without the element of passion. It's often seen in long-term friendships or relationships where the initial spark has faded, but a deep emotional connection and commitment remain.

• Fatuous Love: This type of love involves passion and commitment without intimacy. It's the kind of relationship where there's an immediate commitment based on passion without the stabilizing influence of intimate knowledge of each other.

• Consummate Love: This is the complete form of love, representing the ideal relationship goal. It combines intimacy, passion, and commitment. It's the type of love that many strive for in their relationships.

Understanding these different types of love can provide valuable insight into your relationships, helping identify what elements might be present or lacking and providing a framework for nurturing a more balanced, fulfilling connection.

How to Achieve Consummate Love

Achieving Consummate Love is a journey, not a destination. It's about nurturing all three components of love in your relationship.

Nurturing intimacy

If your relationship feels somewhat superficial, like you're holding back or that there's a wall between you and your partner, it might be lacking in intimacy, the emotional component of love. Intimacy is about creating a deep emotional connection, a sense of understanding and being understood, and an atmosphere of trust and openness. Intimacy can be nurtured through:

• Open Communication: Share your thoughts, feelings, fears, and dreams openly with your partner. Create a safe space where both of you can express yourselves without judgment.
• Quality Time: Spend quality time together, doing things that both of you enjoy. Shared experiences can strengthen emotional bonds.
• Active Listening: Show genuine interest in your partner's thoughts and feelings. Listen attentively and respond empathetically.
• Understanding and Patience: Understand that everyone has their own pace in opening up. Be patient with your partner and give them the space they need.

Igniting passion

If your relationship feels more like a friendship, lacking the spark that once made your heart flutter, then it may be low on passion, the motivational component of love. Passion isn't just about the physical aspect of love but also encompasses the excitement, the romance, and the attraction that adds a spark to your relationship. Passion can be kept alive through:

• Romantic Gestures: Small gestures like leaving love notes or planning surprise dates can keep the romance alive.
• Physical Affection: Hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical affection can help maintain the physical connection.
• Keeping Things Fresh: Try new activities together to keep the excitement in your relationship. Exploring new places or trying new hobbies can reignite passion.
• Expressing Desire: Tell and show your partner that you desire them, not just physically, but also emotionally and intellectually.

Strengthening commitment

If you're feeling uncertain about the future of your relationship, or if it feels like the connection is wavering, it could be due to a lack of commitment, the cognitive aspect of love. Commitment is the glue that holds a relationship together, it's the conscious decision to stay, to work through the issues, and to plan a future together. Commitment can be strengthened by:

• Making Future Plans: Talk about your future together. Discuss your dreams, plans, and goals, and how you can support each other in achieving them.
• Consistent Actions: Show your commitment through your actions. Be there for your partner in times of need and celebrate their successes.
• Reaffirming Love: Regularly express your love and commitment to your partner. This doesn't have to be grand; simple, sincere words can go a long way.
• Facing Challenges Together: Every relationship will face challenges. Tackling these hurdles together can strengthen the commitment in your relationship.

Remember, every relationship will face challenges. It's normal for the balance between intimacy, passion, and commitment to shift over time. But by intentionally nurturing each component, you can strive towards Consummate Love.

FAQs about Consummate Love

There are many misconceptions about Consummate Love. No, it doesn't mean a "perfect" relationship or that you won't have disagreements. Yes, it does require effort and intentionality. And yes, it's okay if your relationship doesn't perfectly align with the model of Consummate Love. Here are some frequently asked questions and answers to further explore Sternberg's theory and Consummate Love:

Can a relationship start with Consummate Love?

While it's possible, it's more common for relationships to evolve towards Consummate Love over time as intimacy, passion, and commitment grow and deepen.

How can I know if I'm experiencing Consummate Love?

It can be challenging to categorize or label your feelings, but if you feel a deep emotional connection (intimacy), a strong physical and emotional attraction (passion), and a sense of long-term commitment with your partner, you may be experiencing Consummate Love. Remember, it's perfectly normal for these elements to fluctuate over time.

Can Consummate Love fade?

Yes, even in relationships that achieve Consummate Love, it's normal for the balance between intimacy, passion, and commitment to shift over time. However, with conscious effort, it's possible to maintain and cultivate Consummate Love.

Does every relationship need to achieve Consummate Love to be successful?

Not necessarily. Every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple might not work for another. The concept of Consummate Love is a model to understand love, not a one-size-fits-all prescription.

What if my relationship doesn't fit perfectly into Sternberg's model?

That's okay. Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love is a framework for understanding love, but it doesn't have to be a strict guideline. Every relationship is unique, and what's most important is that your relationship is fulfilling and healthy for you.

The Journey Towards Deeper Connection: A Conclusion

Consummate Love represents a deep, fulfilling, and balanced form of love. It's a journey of cultivating intimacy, igniting passion, and affirming commitment. While it's not a measure of a relationship's worth, it can provide a framework for those seeking deeper connections and fulfillment in their relationships. Remember, the journey toward Consummate Love is as beautiful and enriching as the destination itself.