If you read, thank you, otherwise I understand. I’ll TLDR it. Let’s start this off here for the basics for trigger warnings. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder (aka Schizophrenia+ ✨) and for the most part keep it under control—usually scents, the occasional auditory and visual hallucination, but manageable. Recently got into an engaging relationship, everything all falling into place. About a month ago, I kept hearing this ringing from the outside. As if Tinnitus sprung from your head and out into the world. I asked my coworker, “Do you hear that?” She agreed presumably that it was the front registers, so I called my boss up. 5 minutes later, I tell her I can’t hear it, but assure it was there. Now, mind you I already had skepticisms about it because of an increase of visuals beyond normal, but with somebody agreeing with me I felt situated. We go walking around, glancing our ears across the corners and get nothing. I bring my boss to the coworker who agreed with me, but she immediately came to realization as what I described was a completely different sound. This had me stumped, but nothing out of the ordinary. Except this time it was quite annoying. Having already dealt with new recent hallucinations, I became on edge easier. The noise followed me around like a ghost tailing me. Inside, outside—a persistent noise that felt close with no source of where it came from. Well, truck comes in an hour later and now somebody’s rattling the door trying to get in. I became desperate, wanting to leave the place like it was some haunted nightmare. I took the day off, hoping it would get better, but things fell apart shortly after. I called out as I could see people’s faces staring me down out random windows, glaring without surprising malition. I couldn’t tell you why, but that freaked me out more because of how neutral they were. Fast forward some time and I’m at home short-term. My psychiatrist and I get some plan of action to help resolve to these hallucinations to some avail, but mentally I’m being taxed and tampered with. My joyous personality was getting dwindled by hesitations to go out, feeling like I was ostracized by the stigmas of my condition. I had worked on my wellbeing for months and just like that, I felt it fell apart. Two weeks ago I became more anxious, so I tried relieving that with a Delta Gummy, but that only exasperated my affects. In a way, that tipping point I feel helped for better or worse my spot that I’m in now. I became delusional, trapped in my head with intrusive thoughts to hurt some people, but I knew that wasn’t me. I still have recording of it on my phone, but for privacy not willing to share that experience. And where am I at now? Well, during this all I’ve been having consistent nightmares, as lucid as being being in psychosis, and it’s a battle between being awake and asleep. Brief moments of reprise before getting sucked back into it all. Yet, somehow, still feel very prone to another thing… My joy. Before this all started in June I got into a really great mindset of positivity, going out, and just going to concerts. My bio included some of those concerts and the eclipse that took my breath away. I know this is just a brief lapse for who I truly am, the happy-go-lucky guy that likes to be young and weird. It was amazing being able to make connections, laugh, and although I had my hallucinations then too I was well more in control of my thoughts then. This isn’t me, it’s that man I was. Even though my condition is lifelong, I wanted to make this to get my thoughts out. I know I am struggling now, but there’s so much more joy out to experience than this pain. It’s hard, just as well as other mental health things, and I wanted to make sure everyone around me is as happy as I can help. We can have our downs but it isn’t who we are—it’s the joys, and though the dark is always with us I know we are more than that alone. TLDR; My schizophrenia has been acting up and it’s been a journey. It’s cause me to become down, and it’s a battle. But I know that there is so much more to life and it will not keep me down 💪 I wish everyone the best and I hope you overcome your struggles as well. #selfcarematters #selfcare #schizoaffective #youmatter #wellbeing

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