would you stay or go?

Question

I'm from south east asia and many of us are still quite conservative when it comes to marriage. Divorce is considered frowned upon/taboo.

I have a 3 year old daughter and my marriage at the moment is going down the drain. we are not happy. we can't  get along sometimes over the simplest things. and we argue all the time to the point where it is affecting my sanity and work performance. I'm depressed most of the time and I can't seem to find peace when I'm around my wife.

We do have our good moments here and there but it seems to be fading more and more with each passing day. She's a good mother but I can't say the same about her as a wife.

I have been physically assaulted before, and we have used foul words that no married couple should say to each other, ever. I've come to a point where I am considering a divorce. Lately, I have been spending some time alone and to be honest, it's refreshing.

I'm not sure what to do in this situation and it might be more complex than what I am making it out to be. But with the given information, what would you do? I'm just not sure if this relationship is still salvageable or am I just going to drive myself insane trying. It's also hard for me to make this decision especially because of my little girl...any advice is highly appreciated. thanks for reading all the way to the end

Kristen · Accepted Answer

Physical assault would be my stopping point. Not sure I would try after that. Given your culture I'd probably check all the "I tried" boxes - whatever couples therapy might be available etc but I'm the long run it's really about the environment you want your child to grow up in. Happy single parents is healthier than unhappy married parents.

Haktan · Answer

I would definitely party the ways, you're no good to anyone who loves you even your daughter if you let a relationship or marriage affect your mental health to that point, remember that

Thomas · Answer

There is no good answer here, it is something you will need to decide for yourself.  Just remember that your actions or inaction will affect your child, possibly for longer than you will live.

Chris · Answer

If you're looking for a simple, easy, and logical way out either now or in the future have a serious talk with your wife for the sake of your daughter's mental health. A couple things for both of you to consider:

FIRST
You have to tell yourself and your wife:

"You have to take care of yourself FIRST, because YOUR daughter depends on YOU."

This applies to both of you, you are all she's got. Continuing this hurts all three of you.

If you two can't reconsile and settle your differences then you need to look at your daughter as a YOU responsibility, not a WE responsibility.

Stop trying to work together with someone you can't team up with and just do what needs to be done.

SECOND
Again, for both of you to consider:

"If you take your mental energy and use it to fight each other, it only burns you both out and brings out the worst in both of you. The good times will become less frequent and the bad times will get worse."

For children, this level of trauma is akin to soldiers and post traumatic stress disorder.

She is only 3 years old. If you decide to split up early, you might be lucky enough that your daughter will barely remember how much and how bad you both fought.

If you wait any longer, her brain will start to develop to the point to where she can remember every fight you two had.

THIRD
In the event you do decide to separate in a couple years once your daughter is for example 5-6, having a prematurely adult discussion with her would be good.

You can basically summarize it to you both love her and that the reason why you're splitting up is because you don't want to argue with each other anymore and then I would ask your daughter if she likes it when you two argue (which is probably a no). Ask her lots of questions to lead her to conclude that spending at least some time away might be good.

Once you two are separate, be sure to spend some time together so it's not so bad for her. Have her spend the night with you a couple nights here and there.

She'll be able to make twice as many friends and have twice as much stuff.

FOURTH
Just because you two didn't work out does not mean you are bad parents.

By focusing on yourselves, you can both improve and eventually have a somewhat healthy relationship together with all three of you. Just not always together all at once.

(edited for correction)

🎄Greenly💚🌃⛈️🌌🌊 · Answer

I don't know if you can go to marriage counseling? 
But if you've tried everything, doing the same thing over and over and ending in the same place is not good.
We live this one life, faced with challenges. I would ignore how everyone would see me and leave as physical assault affects children too over time.
But I agree with the others, it's up to you to decide. Just know there are a lot of people in this world in a similar situation, I can't imagine how hard it is for you. I wish the best for you and your family. ❤️

Yunus_Soul · Answer

Communication is always key.

What exactly is the root cause of the disharmony you both are experiencing with eachother?

Please provide more information, message me, if you want.

At the meantime, to liberate your depression. You can try doing meditation, breathing exercises or cold showers. Which will bring you peace.

Helen · Answer

I know Americans are a lot more accepting of divorce than many other cultures, but when I got married I never expected to ... However, my ex changed completely once I married him. He was controlling, obsessive, narcissistic, sadistic (and not in a good way), possibly schizophrenic (evidently his mother had been committed), mentally and verbally abusive ... But I kept trying to excuse it and make it work. It was only when he turned physically violent when I was 3 months pregnant that I found the power to leave, because I knew it would get worse. Violence, especially in anger, can never be excused ...

JRz 👻🖤😈 · Answer

Regardless of how your culture or relatives will look at you or your current spouse. It's best for you to look after yourself. Being mentally and physically abused shouldn't be allowed in any marriage or relationship.

You will always be the father to your daughter and your wife will always be the mother as well. No one will take that role away from either of you. Visitation will and should be on the table if you do decide to go through a divorce.

Nothing should keep you from being happy. If you being alone brings you some relief from your current situation, that should help you decide on what to do.

No property, business, children should keep you bound to a marriage that neither is happy in. Divorce isn't an easy task to deal with but it would be over.

Why be jailed to a toxic marriage and suffer?

It won't be easy for your daughter now but when she's older, she will understand why you both had to separate. But always show love and be there for her as she grows up. Both you and your spouse should keep things amicable and respectful when it comes to decisions about your daughter. Remember, she's the victim of this marriage so you both should do whatever it takes to make it easier for her. (If you do decide to divorce)

Others have commented on doing marriage counseling/therapy. That should be considered. 
Have a good talk with her and see if she's willing to go to therapy or go through a divorce and how to move on from this.

Good luck. ✌🏼

would you stay or go?

Relationship Community

I would definitely party the ways, you're no good to anyone who loves you even your daughter if you let a relationship or marriage affect your mental health to that point, remember that

There is no good answer here, it is something you will need to decide for yourself. Just remember that your actions or inaction will affect your child, possibly for longer than you will live.

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