Posted Friday, November 11, 2022
3y
ENFJ
Sagittarius
32
Problem with starting to date again
I'm a single mom of 4, divorced, and have been trying to date again. But it's been a struggle because once people find out I have kids they ghost me or say that's too much for them. I'm not looking for a new father for my kids, I'm looking for someone to be with me. And I would never push someone to meet my kids until they were ready to. I get that I'm young and 4 kids is a lot to some people but I don't get why nobody is willing to give me a chance.
184
259
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3y
ENFP
Sagittarius
67
I want to empathize with you first and say that I can understand how it would be really difficult. I'm sure it's exhausting and heartbreaking at times. But I think you're being a bit naive about the situation. You may not want a father to your kids right now but what exactly is a long term partner going to be? Or a future husband? Let's say you get along and absolutely love each other, and this goes on for years. Eventually you want to get married and/or live together. So what, the guy is going to live with you and your kids and pretend they don't exist for decades? In the short-term, kids can be out of the picture. In the long-term, they absolutely can't. I wouldn't go through the risk of dating someone with kids in the short-term unless I knew I was okay being a father/co-parent to them in the far future, because what if it actually gets that far? Otherwise, you're assuming the relationship will end from the start, therefore you don't need to worry about it. That mentality could work for a fling. Plus, dating someone with kids is harder than dating someone who doesn't have any because kids come first. I know because I've done it. Plans will get cancelled, a kid will get sick, she won't be able to find a babysitter to do this thing you've planned all week, the days and hours available to get together are limited, and so on. This is not your fault and I don't mean to make you feel bad, just telling you what some guys might be thinking. I would list that you have kids in your bio so anyone who matched already knows that. And what kind of relationship you're looking for. If it's long-term, something like "I'm looking for a long-term relationship. I'm not looking for any fatherly presence in the short-term. One day, if and when we feel it's right, we can talk about introductions." Something like that. You get the point. So if anyone swipes then they already have decided they're good with this type of relationship. Should reduce the ghosting and dead ends. (edited)
35
7
3y
INTP
Aquarius
87
This is just my opinion, but here's the thing. You come with a pre-made family. That's already an intimidating prospect for even another single parent, let alone a guy without kids. He might not be able to see anywhere he can fit into that. That's not even mentioning the fact that many men are looking to eventually build their own family unit, and if you already have kids that's going to be that much harder to do. If you're looking to settle down with a man who's looking to do the same, you need to remember that he's already looking at what that relationship is possibly heading towards 5 years, 10 years, 40 years down the road. If it doesn't look to him like it could be something really nice, he's gonna nope out. Possibly even before he starts getting to know you at all. My wife is a fair example. When we met, I learned she has severe narcolepsy. She's already on the largest dosage of the strongest meds that can legally be used to treat it. As such, she told me she wasn't having kids if she didn't have someone to help her raise them, because she didn't want to be passing out on her kids and find out that they died somehow as a result of that and there was no way she'd put them up for adoption. She wanted to be a mom. We now have two kids, want more but can't for her health reasons, and as previously mentioned are married. I knew what I was getting into. I signed up for that, knowing that eventually I'm going to have to be the one doing all of the things, because she can't stay awake long enough to do them. As an aside, one of the many reasons I'm here is because she's told me that she wants me to have someone around that can still keep up with me when that time comes. Anyway, just be patient and eventually you'll find someone who wants to sign up for you, and everything that being with you entails.
17
6
3y
ENTJ
Taurus
87
Girl let me tell you all those guys who ghosted you see you as damaged goods that has too much baggage. Anyone who sees children as baggage doesn't need to be in a father figure role. Half the time your children will be around so whether you like it or not that man will eventually have to step up in some way. The focus does have to be on the compatibility of you and that man versus the children in the beginning. However they have to like children and you will have to balance your time between everyone. When your kids are grown all you'll have left is your spouse so yes you have to consider your own happiness too. Your kids may never like your bf but as long as he's good to you and treats them decently that's all that matters. Finding a guy like my bf that loves my son like his own was hard to find with one child. Don't settle and stay the course until someone appears in your life that improves it enough to limit your freedoms more. You are worthy and those who dislike single moms can stay single and sexless lol
12
4
3y
INFP
Aquarius
65
There are people out there who will. My ex was a single mother of 3, I wanted nothing more than to be with her for the rest of my life. Unfortunately she didn't feel the same. There are all kind of people in this world. You have to be thankful that those people didn't string you along and eventually let you down. They were upfront about what they couldn't handle. There are men out there who can handle it, they may just be harder to find.
9
1
3y
ISFP
Gemini
Based on what I've seen in US youtube, the guy are afraid of single mother because of they will pay alimony and a very high one too in case you're bring this to the court. I've seen that because there was a single mom want to do that and want to make her neighbor a young man to pay alimony since he taking care of her kid. Idk if that true or not but in case yes, then I can see the reason why they don't want to close to you. Just my guess
2
21
3y
ENFP
Virgo
45
Don't rush it... gotta find the right type of person... your kids are part of you, especially if they live with you... there's a balance of being sociable and dating while also being a mother... don't neglect yourself or your children...be patient & more importantly believe that it's possible to unite your romantic & maternal instincts. Think about what you really want from both sides of that coin and when you see an opportunity to fulfill your wants, needs, and desires... maybe try it on See how you look and feel in that. Then make a decision. Good meals take time to prepare so don't rush it, and make sure you know first what you want... that'll make finding it much easier.
3
1
3y
ESFJ
Aquarius
I mean if you had 50/50 and you actually could spend time with the guy you're trying to date I don't see that being that bad most single moms have their kids 24/7 and trying to date them is a nightmare even trying to go out to eat or find a baby sitting it's a lot for a guy to just jump into
4
0
3y
ENFJ
Aquarius
23
There are such man, but rare. I would focus on the issue here - ENFJs biggest fear is being alone. Realise that you do not need necccessarily a partner, great social cicrle will do it as well. Paired with open relationships until some of that can get more serious. To dig even deeper - focus on yourself. We tend to ignore even our health just to take care of others. Do sports, learn about nutrition, get quality sleep, and manage stress. I'd greatly recommend learning a bit from thsi channel, as a start: https://youtu.be/fmzYW_0mfJk There are videos on how to develop yourself as well - perosnally for me helped me a lot :)
3
1
3y
INFJ
Taurus
91
Hi Eli. To be honest with you, only perhaps a mature man would be able to work with this. (Sadly a problem, I’ve met too many immature people myself..) And someone’s who going to love you for your personality enough to be happy to be a Dad of your children. But look, it’s still a lot for a man to inherit that. Let’s be honest, there’s been women who’ve taken advantage of men in this society in very rotten ways, especially financially and it’s a big burden for a man if you were one of those when you already have 4 children. I’m not saying you are! But communication is key, and you gotta be as real with yourself and him. :) If you’re comforting enough to your potential partner, they might be open enough to loving you and considering to be the father of your children.
3
0
3y
ISFP
Aries
21
Elizabeth, don't give up on yourself. You're clearly very bright, intelligent, attractive, capable, and an incredible Mom and are deserving of a guy that will take the time and care to get to know you. To the guys that have ghosted you: this woman is deserving of a man, not a mouse! To the guys that worry that you won't have enough time for them - have you heard of babysitters/Grandparents/fathers who share custodial arrangements with their exes? Also, if you need that much attention all the time, maybe you're looking for another mother rather than a partner? Just sayin'!!!
2
1
3y
INTJ
Pisces
65
I am not gonna lie. I have dated single mothers, and they have always tried forcing me to bond with their kids. I dislike being forced to be a father figure for a family that isn't mine. My ex-wife bugged me enough for a family, so if i wanted that then i had plenty of oportunity (I did, but not with my ex due to her toxicity and abusiveness). Currently, I have a friend who is a single mother. I've been dating her on and off, and I will always love dearly. Thankfully, her kids are grown now. But no, I wouldn't get involved with someone who had younger children, as it's too risky. Plus, there's always the fear that the husband and father would return and she'd give him 'another chance' since he is the father. Plus family laws are tricky and no guy wants to get stuck being financially responsible for a family that doesn't belong to him. If I date someone, the end goal is someone who will be mine and be MY family. Not someone who already has a family pre-made, by another dude. It's no fault of the mother, but it's unfair to expect a guy to want someone else's responsibility. And what if a guy never wants to meet your children, or be a father? Would you be fine with that, or there is an underlying agenda to bend him to being a father and family man to your offspring? There's a lot at stake. (edited)
3
0
3y
ENFP
Aquarius
78
I see and hear you. No ifs, ands or buts. And I see a group of pearl clutchers projecting their own ill-informed fears onto your situation, as if they know who you are and what you want. Stand firm. You should be able to have a loving, dedicated partner to join you in life. Not every dimension of life has to be in direct contact with all of the others. If you swung for the ladies and lived in my neck of the woods, I would ask you out in a second. Just remember: never compromise. It can hurt you and your kids. You deserve to be treated with respect.
3
0
3y
ENFJ
Sagittarius
32
I guess my main point is that I'm looking for someone who wants to get to know me first. Focus on me, then getting to know my kids. You shouldn't pass on an opportunity because kids are involved. In the end, yes, they will be a part of the kids world, but for now focus on me and if I'm worth getting to know then yes I'll introduce my kids. There is more behind my reasoning then what I originally posted. You don't have to take on the responsibility of being a dad right away, and I won't make you. You want to be introduced to my kids because you think we are at that point, then great. But don't worry about that right away.
2
1
3y
INTP
Aries
87
Y'all making it seem like she's asking for a partner to help her with her kids when she clearly just specified that she wanted a partner for HER🙄. SHE wants to be HAPPY and in some ways children cannot fill that. I'm sure you're a very wonderful mother Elizabeth and I bet you sacrificed A LOT especially for four kids. If a guy is really looking forward to dating a female then the amount of time and attention shouldn't really matter as long as you make it count
3
0
3y
INFP
Virgo
21
A lot of people will get scared off by anything. But we all carry "baggage" (though I don't see kids as baggage let me be clear). Like.. this is just your life. I can't imagine the energy it must take to care for four children. But I respect the hell out of anyone who does it. I guess I see what some people have said about you potentially not having much time to spend with a partner, but as you said you have 50/50 custody. So you DO have time for another person. And the right person will see the presence of those kids in the right way, which is that you have a life that is filled with love, and you just want to invite another person in to share the love with, in whatever way works best for both of y'all. I wish you the best of luck seriously and appreciate you sharing your situation. :)
2
0
3y
INTP
Virgo
19
Well there's also the thing that most guys would also want to have their own kids, their own blood. Also adding another mouth to feed would seem pretty irresponsible if you're not ready for it. HOWEVER I wouldn't say to give up looking for the right guy. Trust me it's for the best that you see what those guys are like when they learn about them rather than get deep Into a relationship and midway decides to leave and hurt you. (edited)
2
0
3y
INTJ
Sagittarius
91
Well, I'd say that it's because most people are deterred by the "have kids" factor. But it's not as if it's bad, in my personal opinion. Most guys also immediately see that the fact that you're a single mom of 4 means that you're able to stand up for yourself quite well when in a disagreement. That causes men to immediately think "this won't work out well in the long run". At least, that's my guess. And yes, it's only a guess. I'm technically "not experienced enough" to have my own opinion in these matters, even though sometimes I happen to think more rationally than those who'd call themselves "far more experienced" even though their way of thinking is on a level of a 5 y/o (edited)
2
0
3y
INTJ
Virgo
91
I'm a mom too but I don't disclose my children until I'm comfortable and I know what the other person is thinking or at least heading. I'll ask about kids and If they could see themselves in a pre made family. If they say no, I don't waste they time and keep it moving. I try to meet like minded people
2
0
3y
ESFP
Aquarius
If they ghost you or tell you it's too much thats a good thing because it won't last anyway. Maybe it's the guys you're attracted to that needs to change I know alot of single men that don't care about someone having children but if you're talking to guys who still live at home with mommy and daddy with no responsibility that's what you will get because they can't possibly understand when the child comes first. I guess what I'm saying is think out of the box when it comes to your dating checklist and you may be surprised.
2
0
3y
INTJ
Gemini
Most men want their own children and when you're on your 4th there is a big chance you will not give him this chance. Also..the father of the children is a problem because the new step-dad won't be able to educate your kids but only to take care of them. Too much of a responsibility for the benefits. It's literally a lose-lose situation even if you are the one. You should have stayed with the man who you gave 4 kids to.
2
0
3y
INFP
Aquarius
45
It may be helpful for you to look for certain signs or types that are geared more towards family and fatherhood, as they would likely see making a family as beneficial. I also suggest rewriting your profile because it seems a little defensive, which is understandable given what you've been through, but also might discourage guys from wanting to get to know you. I wish you all the best 🙂
2
0
3y
ENFJ
Cancer
As I always say, choose based In what you wanted for. There's nothing bad about dating casually, but if what you are truly looking for is a significant other. Let them know you, and filter the ones who are not looking for that. It is hard and lonely sometimes, but believe me there's NOTHING wrong with you. A fellow single mother here 😘
2
0
3y
ISTJ
Virgo
The best thing you can do is put it out there in the open from the start. As someone who is not looking for a future with someone with kids, it can be frustrating when you start talking to someone that you are vibing with and you don’t find out till after a few conversations that there are kids involved, just as frustrating as it is for you to get ghosted when that info comes out. On a different note, it’s still very lame to get ghosted for that. People should at least give you the Curtousy of a response.
2
0
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